Win and Lose

I figured it was time to stop dropping money on pregnancy tests. After all, I not only had a picture of my miracle, I heard it with my own ears. I went to WalMart in search of a gift for my husband's upcoming birthday. I remember the day very clear. Jan 15th. Taking a deep breath and holding my hand to my stomach, I braved the threshold of the baby section. The heavens didn't fall, the ground didn't shake and the store remained intact. Ok, so maybe this sounds dramatic, but even though I am not one to jump into a frenzy when I see a black cat, I truly convinced myself that if I fully acknowledged this baby in the open then I would jinx fate.

Still, I survived. In fact, I bought two cute onsies. One covered in little frogs and the other covered in little lizards. At the time I didn't even think about the fact we didn't know the sex of the baby yet. They caught my eye and attracted me. I soon realized that I had been wading through the baby section for almost an hour, so I paid for my purchases and left the store. I didn't pick up a gift for my husband. Was I looking for an excuse to go shopping again? Probably. See, now that I had opened the Pandora's box of the Baby Section, I couldn't stay out of it. Even while grocery shopping I had to walk down the baby food aisle! So what if I am a little bonkers, everyone gets nuts sometime, right? I was a good girl though. I didn't buy something everytime. Just most of the time.

You may be wondering how I keep all this stuff so clear in my head. Well, I don't. Some of these memories stand firm as if they happened yesterday, but I am cheating a little. I started a journal for my baby. I found an old notebook shaped like a frog that I bought years before but never used and simply decided to sit down and tell the baby about what was going on. The first entry was on January 26th and was very very long as I caught up on the first three months of my pregnancy. I always made sure to write and entry for each and every milestone or "profound" thought that I experienced. I am referring to that journal to make sure my dates are correct for this blog.

As I have said before, I was a little worried about my lack of pregnancy symptoms. Well on the morning of Jan 27th, one of those symptoms smacked me right out of a sound sleep. In fact, I didn't worry much about symptoms after this. It was about 5:30 in the morning, about 15 minutes before my husband's alarm clock is due to go off. I sat bolt upright in bed! Of course I scared the crap out of my husband. He sat up and grabbed my shoulder asking over and over "what's wrong, what's wrong?" It took me a moment to figure it out myself. It was a flutter!! A butterfly flutter!! Oh my God! I can feel the baby move now! I blubbered to my husband this sentence, (no joke), "It is alive, it is moving, it is growing.....and oh my God I really want some hashbrowns!" For what seemed like forever, he looked at me as if I had completely lost my mind. Then he finally found the words to say, " What the hell are you talking about?" At that I poured out word after word about feeling the baby move, about how awesome it felt about how much I really needed some hashbrowns and about how happy I was. I begged him to go find me some hashbrowns. He went to the kitchen and returned telling me there were no potato items in the house. No chips in the cupboard, not even an old spud sprouting in the pantry. I asked him please to go to the store and get me some, but the ten minutes I spent blabbering about the baby moving had made him late already and he couldn't go to the store, bring back food and get to work on time for the meeting he had scheduled this morning. I was saddened only long enough to realize that I really NEEDED hashbrowns and I had to go get them NOW!! I pulled on my robe, slippers and grabbed my purse. In the truck I checked for cash in my wallet. Ten dollars. I drove to Burger King. At the drive up window I asked for 9 orders of hashbrowns and a cup of coffee. The person in the speaker said, " Are you kidding? Nine orders of hashbrowns?" I confirmed and drove around. She took my money, looked at me like I had a second head growing out of my shoulder and said she would be right back. She handed me the coffee, the bag and asked if I wanted ketsup, cream, sugar. I took all three and headed home. I live about four minutes from Burger King. I ate about 5 hashbrowns on the way home. It wasn't until about half an hour later that I remembered the baby had moved earlier this morning. So, I got on the phone and told the world. Then I sat down and wrote in the journal.

Still riding the wave of utter joy from hearing the heartbeat of my miracle and feeling the baby flutter, I failed to firmly acknowledge that my grandfather's illness was worse than what I was originally told. Maybe I did see it, but again, maybe I simply held on to that childhood fantasy that big, strong, wise men can't die. We did commit to assist my grandparents when we moved to Nevada. I feel like I failed in some way. I was pushed away when things got bad. My aunt and my grandmother saw me as a great help, but I apparently was still a "kid" that didn't need to see the worst. So, I was shocked when I was told grandpa was in the hospital, but was assured that things should be alright. Then suddenly, things weren't going to be alright. Then I got the call, grandpa died that morning, Feb 3, 2005 of a heart attack. I know there was more wrong with him than his heart, but I never pressed. I wrote all about my grandfather in the baby's journal that night saddened that my grandfather will never get to meet my child, teach my child, or even entertain my child with his stories.

Now I needed some serious hope again. I was grasping for hope anywhere I could find it. I started to surf the net looking for some other pregnant people to attach myself to. I only had a few friends aside from my aunt and my grandmother who lived in town and they all had older children or no children. I came accross a wonderful website. Babybeat.com. They rent out dopplar machines so that you can listen to your baby's heartbeat at home. AWESOME! I get to have some piece of mind at home!! I can let everyone hear it!! I can record it!! You don't have to guess, I ordered it right away.