Friday, September 9, 2011


I love my followers and I hope you continue to follow me.  I can't take Blogger anymore. 

I have moved the blog to

Getting Frustrated!!

I know that you are expecting a continuation of my story, but I must vent a little.  I am so sick and tired of Blogger!!  I think I shall look for another site to host my blog, there I will repost the story and continue on.  I will be sure to let you all know about it.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


So here I sit in my room dripping like a leaky faucet.  I wish I could explain what I was feeling.  Hmm.  Sort of a cross between extreme, seeing-red-type anger and pure, honest fear.  Jason got off the phone and wrapped a cloth around my incision.  The doc said to come straight to the office. Seriously? 

Jason dressed and packed up the kids while I stood there seething.  When they were all in the truck he came back for me.  We drove the half hour in silence only interrupted by me cursing under my breath.  At this point I have pushed the fear behind and focused on my family.  Here we are, not even home for 24 hours and I am again throwing my kids into chaos.  My anger was close to rage.

We got to the docs office and were taken inside.  The nurse got me up on a table and a different midwife came in behind her.  Edie is her name, and I looked to her for hope.  I figured that Sherry was great so Edie must be good too.  WRONG.  This ex-hippie chick made me feel awful!  She looked at the incision and told me to chill out.  "There are only small openings."  Look, if you go in for surgery that digs deep into your body ANY openings will cause you stress.

"How many?" I asked.  She told me there was only three.  One on each side and one in the middle.  The side openings were huge! I told her to close them, asked about infections, complications etc. and she just rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, relax, this happens all the time."  I screamed, "Not to me!"  That is when she got really pissy.  Now, let me explain something.  I do NOT do well in a situation where someone is trying to demean my emotions.   Truthfully, at this point I was so filled with anger and fear I couldn't think straight.  I was actually speechless.

The nurse called in another nurse to take the kids out of the room.  Edie then started to pull a jar from the shelf and from that jar pulled a really awful smelling length of brown gauze.  Not explaining what she was doing, she started to stuff this crap into my incision.  It hurt like hell!!!   She seemed to be angered by my flinching.  Through my clenched jaw, I asked her what the hell she was doing.  "Fixing your problem," she said.  I was about done with her attitude.  "Where is Sherry!"  It was her day off.  Great. 

After Edie was done torturing me, the nurse dressed my incision and told me to come back the next day.  I asked her what the hell was going on and she told me that sometimes an incision will re-open but usually it is only the first two layers deep.  "Don't worry about it, just keep it clean and call us if you have any strange pain." 

Seriously, STRANGE pain?  This is strange.  I got a prescription for antibiotics and was told to be in about the same time tomorrow. 

I still couldn't think straight.  I was in pain, scared, tired and felt just lost.  Jason got us all home and I took Lilian and went to my room.  I slept and breastfed for the next 24 hours.  When we got back in to the doc's office I told the girls at the desk that I must see Sherry, no more Edie. 

The nurse called me in and we started the whole process again.  This time I got more info from her.  Apparently I was to spend the next 4-15 weeks coming in to get this nasty gauze stuff changed until the incision healed on it's own.  My jaw dropped to the floor.  "Most times you only come in daily for about 6 weeks, then it will be every 2 or 3 days."  My jaw made it halfway to China!!

I decided to wait to see Sherry.  She will make it better.  She will explain what is going on.  Edie walked into the room, "Sherry had left on a weeks vacation."  So I was stuck with the psycho Edie. 

Edie did her "stuffing" thing.  Again, it hurt like hell and she acted as if I was a big baby.  We went home again with instructions to return the next day. 

Our third visit didn't end well.  Edie and the nurse did the gauze switch and then announced, "your blood pressure is too high.  I think you have post-eclampsia so I want you back in the hospital."  Holy Shit People.  I just about lost my mind. 

So I get another night in the hospital. 

Monday, August 8, 2011


There is no denying that bringing Lilian into this world pretty much sapped every drop of sanity out of my already slightly nutty head.  I learned a lot of things....the most important being that I am more of a control freak than I thought I was.  It is one thing hating being in the hospital, it is quite another to put your health in jeopardy because you are a stubborn old wench. 

Sherry showed up the next morning as promised to check me out.  I was improving but my blood pressure was still way out of whack.  She wanted me to stay until it had stabilized, but I was determined to go home.  I pushed and pressed and promised to be a good girl.  There was no way I was going to spend another night in the hospital.  Eventually, Sherry agreed that I could go home as long as I monitored my blood pressure and called my numbers into the office.  I was almost giddy.  I was taking my little angel home and we would be a whole family again. 

Thinking back on it now, I really was desperate to have my family together.  I felt so separated.  I felt like an absentee mom.  I know that I was busy bringing another perfect little life into the world, but to me being a mom means having the strength to multi-task and take care of everyone and everything all at once.  I told you I was nuts, but it was a real wake up call to find myself unable to "be all I could (wanted) to be."

Filled with relief, I said my goodbyes to the staff and to the hospital.  I was wheeled to the truck surrounded by my family.  It was wonderful knowing that in just 30 minutes I would be home with my family together.  Jason drove us all home.  I carried little Lilian into the bedroom and curled up with her on my bed.  Kenny and Felicia were full of excitement and questions.  It was a picture perfect afternoon. 

Settling in at home went as expected. Lilian seemed more relaxed and I definitely was more relaxed.  My blood pressure numbers proved it.  We read books to the kids, put the to bed and headed for our room.  I fed Lilian while Jason and I chatted about the upcoming install of the central heat and a/c. 

Lilian woke a few times for feedings and we all slept soundly.  The morning came too fast and I woke feeling a little ache here and there but felt fine otherwise.  I sat up in bed and fed Lilian while Jason poured cereal for Kenny and Felicia then brought me some coffee. 

The time came to potty.  I lay my sleeping little cherub in her bed and stood up.  I was instantly dizzy.  Jason ran to my side to help me steady myself. I figured it was nothing to get scared about...after all, I slept well for the first time in days and just had major surgery.  Then I noticed that something was tapping my foot.  I looked down and from under my nightshirt I could see blood dripping onto my leg and foot.  I mean dripping.  Serious dripping like a whole in the roof kind of dripping.  Large splatters of blood had colored my foot red and were starting to seep into the carpet. 

Jason fell to his knees and lifted up my shirt.  There was a gaping hole in my lower stomach.  My incision had re-opened. I turned and looked at the bed.  Several large pools of dried blood marked my side of the mattress.  Apparently, I had been leaking for a while.  Great. Jason ran to grab the phone!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

In Chase of Three

I know that I have been getting behind again on this blog and the story.  I am sorry.  Chasing these kids around this summer has been exhausting.  I promise to get back in the saddle soon.  Perhaps even this evening.  :)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

So, I simply went nuts!

I was slowly coming to terms with my fate.  Another stupid night in the hospital.  Another night of mama bear coming awake with a roar whenever someone enters the room.  Another night of that damn hospital food. 

After my afternoon freak out, I sat in my room listening to the radio and cuddling with Lilian.  Jason was on his way back with the kids again.  As they walked into the room, it hit me.  Who was going to take care of them tonight?  Was Jason not going to be able to stay with me?  Was I going to be alone in this damn room with a whole new set of nurses (Betty only works weekends) to piss me off?  Could I trust these nurses to let me go outside for some "fresh air" or were they going to try to tie my fat ass to the bed?  What obgyn is on call?  What if it is that psycho bitch, Schlau who told me I didn't care for the health of my baby?  I want to go home!

My mind was a screaming banshee of insanity.  I couldn't bring myself around.  I just sat there staring at the wall and feeling trapped.  So, I did what anyone would do.  I went nuts.  Loco.  Gonzo.  Not-of-this-planet.  Mental. Bananas.  Here come those men in the white coats now....

I started out crying, which easily transitioned into hysterics.  The day nurse chick (can't remember much about her ) came into the room.  Apparently they could hear me through the walls and shut door.  She tried to calm me down.  I wouldn't budge.  She was smart and didn't try to take Lilian from me.  That was good on her part. Suddenly, my psoriasis flamed up like a gas explosion and I almost passed out.  My skin turned fire engine red, swelled and I felt like I was on fire. 

That woke me up.  Nothing on this planet can grab your attention (besides a crying baby) like the entire surface of your body glowing red like some horribly evil comic book villain.  It was so painful, I forgot I was crying.  Sounds weird, I know.  I just instantly focused on the skin.  I had to calm it down or I was going to have what I call a heat stroke.  There is some weird medical term for it, but when my skin inflames too bad, I can go into seizures.  It has only happened to me once before and it scared the fucking shit out of me.  I really didn't want to relive that while I was holding an angel in my arms. 

I asked the nurse to start the shower and set the water to cold.  She looked at me with wide eyes.  LOL  It was kinda funny.  She watched me go from slightly human to glowing tomato in less than a minute.  I told her again to start the shower and set it to cold.  I followed her into the bathroom and shut the door behind us.  I handed Lilian to her and told her not to leave the room.  She agreed.  I explained what I was doing as I got undressed and stepped under the water.  "I have to cool my skin down and I have to do it now.  I just need you to be here for me in case I black out or do that stupid seizure thing.  I need my baby to be close to me so please for the sake of my sanity do NOT LEAVE this bathroom.  Ok?"  She replied, "Ok, but why did you turn all red like that?  There is no history of seizures in your file.  What is going on?"  She sounded kind of panicky.  Ha ha ha.  Tables turn over quick sometimes. 

Standing in the shower explaining all the fun and exciting things about my psoriasis did a lot to calm me down.  It only took about 15 minutes before I was able to feel the swelling go down and 5 minutes after that I was able to get out of the shower.  The nurse stepped out to get the cradle cart thingie and brought it in the bathroom for Lilian.  She was nice enough to help me put on my ointment medications and she changed my dressing (which was really icky since I didn't take it off before getting in the shower) all the while she was shooting psoriasis questions at me. 

After I was dressed and mostly human again, she stayed with me in the room and we talked about my insanity.  I told her about all the concerns I had.  She told me it was ok to be concerned but that Jason should stay home with the kids tonight.  She would make sure that the next shift nurses understood what I was going through. 

I actually agreed with her.  Until....

Well, until it was time for Jason to take the kids home for dinner and baths.  I didn't lose it so badly this time but I was desperate to not be alone.  We called everyone we knew.  Ok, that isn't many people but I figured that someone would understand and come to our rescue.  Nope.  Not even my mother.  I desperately asked Jason to call someone we know from his work.  Kenny and his son get along really well and share fun play dates so I thought maybe, if the kids could just sleep there while Jason tends to my nuttiness for the evening then all will be well. 

Jason made the call from home.  He had fed the kids and bathed them.  Lucky for me they agreed to have the kids for the night.  Kenny was excited and Felicia didn't seem to care one way or the other.  :)  Jason dropped the kids off around 9 pm.  He came straight to the hospital and stayed with me.  I am glad he did.  I was not mentally sound.  The strange thing is, I have always had pride in my ability to "keep it together" but I just didn't have the strength this time.  It really scared me.  I never needed anyone before so desperately.   I couldn't even crack a tasteless joke!

Early the next morning, Jason went to get the kids and came right back to the hospital.  We were going to wait for Sherry and see what this morning would bring. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I Wanna Go Home

Lilian's first evening in our world was beautiful.  Jason stayed with me there in the hospital and we spent the night sleeping peacefully only occasionally waking for a quiet talk while I fed our angel. 

Just after my really yucky bland bland breakfast the next morning, Sherry stopped in to check on me.  She was concerned about my swelling and my blood pressure being all over the place.  I told her that I wanted to go home.  She cocked her head and told me that there was no way I could go home today.  I argued my case and lost.  I don't like to lose.  I have two other children who need me, a comfortable bed to sleep in without nurses interrupting me all night and a home to introduce Lilian to.  I wanted to go home! "Give it just one more night please," Sherry said.  Ok, one more night. 

We made phone calls and got a friend to stay with the kids.  I hated that I was away from them.  Seeing them in the hospital is fine and dandy, but it isn't easy for a kid to be on best behavior for so long in such a sterile setting.

Most of the day was uneventful.  I was able to get up and walk around a lot more, that made me happy.  I was able to relax a little, that made Jason happy.  As evening drew closer I prepared for Sherry to make her "as I am heading for home" visit.  Nurse Betty was coming back on shift, and so was freaky nurse and I was able to make jokes and be a decent enough person for a while recognizing a little routine as night fell.  Sherry looked a little tense when she came in.  I asked her what was what.  She again made frowny faces at my healing and poked around my incision.  "I am concerned that you are not healing properly.  We had to really stretch, pull, shove and rearrange things in there during birth."  I knew what was coming next.  I didn't want to hear it so as is my normal habit I shot off, "If you think I am going to fall for some crap excuse like that you are nuts!  I wanna go home!"  Sherry shot back, "I don't care what you want, I care about making you better so you can raise that little baby! If you need to stay longer dammit you are going to do so!"  NO one has ever spoken to me like that aside from my mother!  I was shocked.  I was amazed.  I was actually impressed!  Still, I couldn't let it go.  "I don't want to stay here and play patient.  I feel fine and I want to go home.  You come back in the morning and you will see that I am ready to go.  I left early after Kenny and Felicia, I am going to go home tomorrow and that is that.  I will be fine."  She didn't even flinch.  Nurse Betty was standing near the door and the poor woman looked like she just saw a bad traffic accident. 

Sherry took a deep breath and pulled up a chair.  Rubbing my shoulder she said, "I don't like the way things look.  You going home early after the first two c-sections is probably why you are in the place you are now.  Your body didn't heal properly and now you must let it heal.  I mean it. I wouldn't make you stay here longer than you wanted."  I didn't know what to say.  I wanted to scream and fight, but in my heart I knew she was right.  Ok, fine.  Sherry left after a few more minutes.  She really was an awesome midwife.  I could have strangled her for not giving me what I wanted, but I love her for caring.

I called Jason who was at home with the kids making dinner and doing baths and such.  I explained to him what Sherry said and asked him to bring me the little netbook when he came in for the night.  He agreed and let me know when to expect him. 

I sat in my room cradling little Lilian in my arms.  Then I lost it.  I started crying like a freak!  I am talking BAWLING hard and long sobs of pure pain.  I didn't even know what hurt!  I couldn't figure out where this was coming from.  It wasn't a tantrum for not getting my was more like a letting go of frustration and realizing that a new more frustrating frustration was taking it's place.  It was weird!  It was so not me. 

Nurse Betty tapped the door and walked in.  She came to the bed and asked what was wrong.  I asked her to watch Lilian so I could go have a smoke and get out for a minute.  She agreed and I put on my robe and tottered my ass outside.  I stood there near the entrance, staring at the mostly empty parking lot bawling and bawling all the while telling myself that I was nuts.  I had no real reason to be crying.  I mean come on!  This is me here.  I am supposed to be strong and organized.  I am Paula...Pillar of Steel.  Right?  Apparently not. 

I went back inside to find Nurse Freak playing with Lilian.  I wanted to kill her.  I went to the nurses station and found Nurse Betty...took her aside and told her that I wasn't too thrilled with Nurse Freak.  I didn't want to be mean, but I didn't want her all over my baby.  Betty understood and told me that she would do her best to keep her occupied but without being too obvious.  I thanked her. 

Nurse Betty followed me back to my room and asked Nurse Freak to run an errand.  She shut the door and asked me if I wanted to talk.  No.  I didn't.  She pried a little more and seemed genuinely concerned.  Then I lost it again.  I blubbered about how it seemed so hard to convince my parents to come and help out for just one night...about the frustration with Sherry and why she won't let me go home...about how Jason has to miss more work because of my fat ass...about the fear that my older kids would be mad at me and not feel part of the process...about the surgery itself, how scared and alone I felt in that room as they tried to put my humpty-dumpty ass back together again.  So much came pouring out of me.  It shocked me.  I don't do that.  I definitely don't do that in front of other people.  Not even hubby! I ended my fruit-loop tirade with the panic I felt at just the thought of Jason not staying with me overnight in the hospital.  She told me he was welcome, but I didn't know who else to tap to watch Kenny and Felicia if I didn't get to go home the next day.  We will cross that bridge is all she could say.  Then Nurse Betty gave me a hug.  I needed that so bad. 

I spent the rest of the night crying, sleeping and feeding.  That was about it.  Jason stayed with me and did his best to support me.  I was a basket case.  Sunday morning dawned and I was convinced that I could go home today.  Sherry came by on her way to the office and we chatted about how I was feeling and what she wanted to see.  She said that she would stop by at lunch and check on me.  Then she would decide if I could go home.  Ok. 

It was around 2 when she was able to make it in.  I had just finished my first after baby shower and was feeling damn good and perfectly refreshed.  I started to pack up my suitcase.  Sherry had me sit down.  She checked my vitals, my incision and took a deep breath.  I hate deep breath's!  She looked me in the eye and told me that I couldn't go home today.  I didn't even argue.  I couldn't.  I just broke down again.