Done!

I love my followers and I hope you continue to follow me.  I can't take Blogger anymore. 

I have moved the blog to  http://theysavedme.wordpress.com/

Getting Frustrated!!

I know that you are expecting a continuation of my story, but I must vent a little.  I am so sick and tired of Blogger!!  I think I shall look for another site to host my blog, there I will repost the story and continue on.  I will be sure to let you all know about it.

Seriously?

So here I sit in my room dripping like a leaky faucet.  I wish I could explain what I was feeling.  Hmm.  Sort of a cross between extreme, seeing-red-type anger and pure, honest fear.  Jason got off the phone and wrapped a cloth around my incision.  The doc said to come straight to the office. Seriously? 

Jason dressed and packed up the kids while I stood there seething.  When they were all in the truck he came back for me.  We drove the half hour in silence only interrupted by me cursing under my breath.  At this point I have pushed the fear behind and focused on my family.  Here we are, not even home for 24 hours and I am again throwing my kids into chaos.  My anger was close to rage.

We got to the docs office and were taken inside.  The nurse got me up on a table and a different midwife came in behind her.  Edie is her name, and I looked to her for hope.  I figured that Sherry was great so Edie must be good too.  WRONG.  This ex-hippie chick made me feel awful!  She looked at the incision and told me to chill out.  "There are only small openings."  Look, if you go in for surgery that digs deep into your body ANY openings will cause you stress.

"How many?" I asked.  She told me there was only three.  One on each side and one in the middle.  The side openings were huge! I told her to close them, asked about infections, complications etc. and she just rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, relax, this happens all the time."  I screamed, "Not to me!"  That is when she got really pissy.  Now, let me explain something.  I do NOT do well in a situation where someone is trying to demean my emotions.   Truthfully, at this point I was so filled with anger and fear I couldn't think straight.  I was actually speechless.

The nurse called in another nurse to take the kids out of the room.  Edie then started to pull a jar from the shelf and from that jar pulled a really awful smelling length of brown gauze.  Not explaining what she was doing, she started to stuff this crap into my incision.  It hurt like hell!!!   She seemed to be angered by my flinching.  Through my clenched jaw, I asked her what the hell she was doing.  "Fixing your problem," she said.  I was about done with her attitude.  "Where is Sherry!"  It was her day off.  Great. 

After Edie was done torturing me, the nurse dressed my incision and told me to come back the next day.  I asked her what the hell was going on and she told me that sometimes an incision will re-open but usually it is only the first two layers deep.  "Don't worry about it, just keep it clean and call us if you have any strange pain." 

Seriously, STRANGE pain?  This is strange.  I got a prescription for antibiotics and was told to be in about the same time tomorrow. 

I still couldn't think straight.  I was in pain, scared, tired and felt just lost.  Jason got us all home and I took Lilian and went to my room.  I slept and breastfed for the next 24 hours.  When we got back in to the doc's office I told the girls at the desk that I must see Sherry, no more Edie. 

The nurse called me in and we started the whole process again.  This time I got more info from her.  Apparently I was to spend the next 4-15 weeks coming in to get this nasty gauze stuff changed until the incision healed on it's own.  My jaw dropped to the floor.  "Most times you only come in daily for about 6 weeks, then it will be every 2 or 3 days."  My jaw made it halfway to China!!

I decided to wait to see Sherry.  She will make it better.  She will explain what is going on.  Edie walked into the room, "Sherry had left on a weeks vacation."  So I was stuck with the psycho Edie. 

Edie did her "stuffing" thing.  Again, it hurt like hell and she acted as if I was a big baby.  We went home again with instructions to return the next day. 

Our third visit didn't end well.  Edie and the nurse did the gauze switch and then announced, "your blood pressure is too high.  I think you have post-eclampsia so I want you back in the hospital."  Holy Shit People.  I just about lost my mind. 

So I get another night in the hospital. 

HOME

There is no denying that bringing Lilian into this world pretty much sapped every drop of sanity out of my already slightly nutty head.  I learned a lot of things....the most important being that I am more of a control freak than I thought I was.  It is one thing hating being in the hospital, it is quite another to put your health in jeopardy because you are a stubborn old wench. 

Sherry showed up the next morning as promised to check me out.  I was improving but my blood pressure was still way out of whack.  She wanted me to stay until it had stabilized, but I was determined to go home.  I pushed and pressed and promised to be a good girl.  There was no way I was going to spend another night in the hospital.  Eventually, Sherry agreed that I could go home as long as I monitored my blood pressure and called my numbers into the office.  I was almost giddy.  I was taking my little angel home and we would be a whole family again. 

Thinking back on it now, I really was desperate to have my family together.  I felt so separated.  I felt like an absentee mom.  I know that I was busy bringing another perfect little life into the world, but to me being a mom means having the strength to multi-task and take care of everyone and everything all at once.  I told you I was nuts, but it was a real wake up call to find myself unable to "be all I could (wanted) to be."

Filled with relief, I said my goodbyes to the staff and to the hospital.  I was wheeled to the truck surrounded by my family.  It was wonderful knowing that in just 30 minutes I would be home with my family together.  Jason drove us all home.  I carried little Lilian into the bedroom and curled up with her on my bed.  Kenny and Felicia were full of excitement and questions.  It was a picture perfect afternoon. 

Settling in at home went as expected. Lilian seemed more relaxed and I definitely was more relaxed.  My blood pressure numbers proved it.  We read books to the kids, put the to bed and headed for our room.  I fed Lilian while Jason and I chatted about the upcoming install of the central heat and a/c. 

Lilian woke a few times for feedings and we all slept soundly.  The morning came too fast and I woke feeling a little ache here and there but felt fine otherwise.  I sat up in bed and fed Lilian while Jason poured cereal for Kenny and Felicia then brought me some coffee. 

The time came to potty.  I lay my sleeping little cherub in her bed and stood up.  I was instantly dizzy.  Jason ran to my side to help me steady myself. I figured it was nothing to get scared about...after all, I slept well for the first time in days and just had major surgery.  Then I noticed that something was tapping my foot.  I looked down and from under my nightshirt I could see blood dripping onto my leg and foot.  I mean dripping.  Serious dripping like a whole in the roof kind of dripping.  Large splatters of blood had colored my foot red and were starting to seep into the carpet. 

Jason fell to his knees and lifted up my shirt.  There was a gaping hole in my lower stomach.  My incision had re-opened. I turned and looked at the bed.  Several large pools of dried blood marked my side of the mattress.  Apparently, I had been leaking for a while.  Great. Jason ran to grab the phone!

In Chase of Three

I know that I have been getting behind again on this blog and the story.  I am sorry.  Chasing these kids around this summer has been exhausting.  I promise to get back in the saddle soon.  Perhaps even this evening.  :)

So, I simply went nuts!

I was slowly coming to terms with my fate.  Another stupid night in the hospital.  Another night of mama bear coming awake with a roar whenever someone enters the room.  Another night of that damn hospital food. 

After my afternoon freak out, I sat in my room listening to the radio and cuddling with Lilian.  Jason was on his way back with the kids again.  As they walked into the room, it hit me.  Who was going to take care of them tonight?  Was Jason not going to be able to stay with me?  Was I going to be alone in this damn room with a whole new set of nurses (Betty only works weekends) to piss me off?  Could I trust these nurses to let me go outside for some "fresh air" or were they going to try to tie my fat ass to the bed?  What obgyn is on call?  What if it is that psycho bitch, Schlau who told me I didn't care for the health of my baby?  I want to go home!

My mind was a screaming banshee of insanity.  I couldn't bring myself around.  I just sat there staring at the wall and feeling trapped.  So, I did what anyone would do.  I went nuts.  Loco.  Gonzo.  Not-of-this-planet.  Mental. Bananas.  Here come those men in the white coats now....

I started out crying, which easily transitioned into hysterics.  The day nurse chick (can't remember much about her ) came into the room.  Apparently they could hear me through the walls and shut door.  She tried to calm me down.  I wouldn't budge.  She was smart and didn't try to take Lilian from me.  That was good on her part. Suddenly, my psoriasis flamed up like a gas explosion and I almost passed out.  My skin turned fire engine red, swelled and I felt like I was on fire. 

That woke me up.  Nothing on this planet can grab your attention (besides a crying baby) like the entire surface of your body glowing red like some horribly evil comic book villain.  It was so painful, I forgot I was crying.  Sounds weird, I know.  I just instantly focused on the skin.  I had to calm it down or I was going to have what I call a heat stroke.  There is some weird medical term for it, but when my skin inflames too bad, I can go into seizures.  It has only happened to me once before and it scared the fucking shit out of me.  I really didn't want to relive that while I was holding an angel in my arms. 

I asked the nurse to start the shower and set the water to cold.  She looked at me with wide eyes.  LOL  It was kinda funny.  She watched me go from slightly human to glowing tomato in less than a minute.  I told her again to start the shower and set it to cold.  I followed her into the bathroom and shut the door behind us.  I handed Lilian to her and told her not to leave the room.  She agreed.  I explained what I was doing as I got undressed and stepped under the water.  "I have to cool my skin down and I have to do it now.  I just need you to be here for me in case I black out or do that stupid seizure thing.  I need my baby to be close to me so please for the sake of my sanity do NOT LEAVE this bathroom.  Ok?"  She replied, "Ok, but why did you turn all red like that?  There is no history of seizures in your file.  What is going on?"  She sounded kind of panicky.  Ha ha ha.  Tables turn over quick sometimes. 

Standing in the shower explaining all the fun and exciting things about my psoriasis did a lot to calm me down.  It only took about 15 minutes before I was able to feel the swelling go down and 5 minutes after that I was able to get out of the shower.  The nurse stepped out to get the cradle cart thingie and brought it in the bathroom for Lilian.  She was nice enough to help me put on my ointment medications and she changed my dressing (which was really icky since I didn't take it off before getting in the shower) all the while she was shooting psoriasis questions at me. 

After I was dressed and mostly human again, she stayed with me in the room and we talked about my insanity.  I told her about all the concerns I had.  She told me it was ok to be concerned but that Jason should stay home with the kids tonight.  She would make sure that the next shift nurses understood what I was going through. 

I actually agreed with her.  Until....

Well, until it was time for Jason to take the kids home for dinner and baths.  I didn't lose it so badly this time but I was desperate to not be alone.  We called everyone we knew.  Ok, that isn't many people but I figured that someone would understand and come to our rescue.  Nope.  Not even my mother.  I desperately asked Jason to call someone we know from his work.  Kenny and his son get along really well and share fun play dates so I thought maybe, if the kids could just sleep there while Jason tends to my nuttiness for the evening then all will be well. 

Jason made the call from home.  He had fed the kids and bathed them.  Lucky for me they agreed to have the kids for the night.  Kenny was excited and Felicia didn't seem to care one way or the other.  :)  Jason dropped the kids off around 9 pm.  He came straight to the hospital and stayed with me.  I am glad he did.  I was not mentally sound.  The strange thing is, I have always had pride in my ability to "keep it together" but I just didn't have the strength this time.  It really scared me.  I never needed anyone before so desperately.   I couldn't even crack a tasteless joke!

Early the next morning, Jason went to get the kids and came right back to the hospital.  We were going to wait for Sherry and see what this morning would bring. 

I Wanna Go Home

Lilian's first evening in our world was beautiful.  Jason stayed with me there in the hospital and we spent the night sleeping peacefully only occasionally waking for a quiet talk while I fed our angel. 

Just after my really yucky bland bland breakfast the next morning, Sherry stopped in to check on me.  She was concerned about my swelling and my blood pressure being all over the place.  I told her that I wanted to go home.  She cocked her head and told me that there was no way I could go home today.  I argued my case and lost.  I don't like to lose.  I have two other children who need me, a comfortable bed to sleep in without nurses interrupting me all night and a home to introduce Lilian to.  I wanted to go home! "Give it just one more night please," Sherry said.  Ok, one more night. 

We made phone calls and got a friend to stay with the kids.  I hated that I was away from them.  Seeing them in the hospital is fine and dandy, but it isn't easy for a kid to be on best behavior for so long in such a sterile setting.

Most of the day was uneventful.  I was able to get up and walk around a lot more, that made me happy.  I was able to relax a little, that made Jason happy.  As evening drew closer I prepared for Sherry to make her "as I am heading for home" visit.  Nurse Betty was coming back on shift, and so was freaky nurse and I was able to make jokes and be a decent enough person for a while recognizing a little routine as night fell.  Sherry looked a little tense when she came in.  I asked her what was what.  She again made frowny faces at my healing and poked around my incision.  "I am concerned that you are not healing properly.  We had to really stretch, pull, shove and rearrange things in there during birth."  I knew what was coming next.  I didn't want to hear it so as is my normal habit I shot off, "If you think I am going to fall for some crap excuse like that you are nuts!  I wanna go home!"  Sherry shot back, "I don't care what you want, I care about making you better so you can raise that little baby! If you need to stay longer dammit you are going to do so!"  NO one has ever spoken to me like that aside from my mother!  I was shocked.  I was amazed.  I was actually impressed!  Still, I couldn't let it go.  "I don't want to stay here and play patient.  I feel fine and I want to go home.  You come back in the morning and you will see that I am ready to go.  I left early after Kenny and Felicia, I am going to go home tomorrow and that is that.  I will be fine."  She didn't even flinch.  Nurse Betty was standing near the door and the poor woman looked like she just saw a bad traffic accident. 

Sherry took a deep breath and pulled up a chair.  Rubbing my shoulder she said, "I don't like the way things look.  You going home early after the first two c-sections is probably why you are in the place you are now.  Your body didn't heal properly and now you must let it heal.  I mean it. I wouldn't make you stay here longer than you wanted."  I didn't know what to say.  I wanted to scream and fight, but in my heart I knew she was right.  Ok, fine.  Sherry left after a few more minutes.  She really was an awesome midwife.  I could have strangled her for not giving me what I wanted, but I love her for caring.

I called Jason who was at home with the kids making dinner and doing baths and such.  I explained to him what Sherry said and asked him to bring me the little netbook when he came in for the night.  He agreed and let me know when to expect him. 

I sat in my room cradling little Lilian in my arms.  Then I lost it.  I started crying like a freak!  I am talking BAWLING hard and long sobs of pure pain.  I didn't even know what hurt!  I couldn't figure out where this was coming from.  It wasn't a tantrum for not getting my way...it was more like a letting go of frustration and realizing that a new more frustrating frustration was taking it's place.  It was weird!  It was so not me. 

Nurse Betty tapped the door and walked in.  She came to the bed and asked what was wrong.  I asked her to watch Lilian so I could go have a smoke and get out for a minute.  She agreed and I put on my robe and tottered my ass outside.  I stood there near the entrance, staring at the mostly empty parking lot bawling and bawling all the while telling myself that I was nuts.  I had no real reason to be crying.  I mean come on!  This is me here.  I am supposed to be strong and organized.  I am Paula...Pillar of Steel.  Right?  Apparently not. 

I went back inside to find Nurse Freak playing with Lilian.  I wanted to kill her.  I went to the nurses station and found Nurse Betty...took her aside and told her that I wasn't too thrilled with Nurse Freak.  I didn't want to be mean, but I didn't want her all over my baby.  Betty understood and told me that she would do her best to keep her occupied but without being too obvious.  I thanked her. 

Nurse Betty followed me back to my room and asked Nurse Freak to run an errand.  She shut the door and asked me if I wanted to talk.  No.  I didn't.  She pried a little more and seemed genuinely concerned.  Then I lost it again.  I blubbered about how it seemed so hard to convince my parents to come and help out for just one night...about the frustration with Sherry and why she won't let me go home...about how Jason has to miss more work because of my fat ass...about the fear that my older kids would be mad at me and not feel part of the process...about the surgery itself, how scared and alone I felt in that room as they tried to put my humpty-dumpty ass back together again.  So much came pouring out of me.  It shocked me.  I don't do that.  I definitely don't do that in front of other people.  Not even hubby! I ended my fruit-loop tirade with the panic I felt at just the thought of Jason not staying with me overnight in the hospital.  She told me he was welcome, but I didn't know who else to tap to watch Kenny and Felicia if I didn't get to go home the next day.  We will cross that bridge is all she could say.  Then Nurse Betty gave me a hug.  I needed that so bad. 

I spent the rest of the night crying, sleeping and feeding.  That was about it.  Jason stayed with me and did his best to support me.  I was a basket case.  Sunday morning dawned and I was convinced that I could go home today.  Sherry came by on her way to the office and we chatted about how I was feeling and what she wanted to see.  She said that she would stop by at lunch and check on me.  Then she would decide if I could go home.  Ok. 

It was around 2 when she was able to make it in.  I had just finished my first after baby shower and was feeling damn good and perfectly refreshed.  I started to pack up my suitcase.  Sherry had me sit down.  She checked my vitals, my incision and took a deep breath.  I hate deep breath's!  She looked me in the eye and told me that I couldn't go home today.  I didn't even argue.  I couldn't.  I just broke down again. 

My Family Grows

Lilian is almost 10 months old and I am still shocked that I now have three kids.  Hell, I am shocked when I look into the handsome face of my son, my first miracle and it hits me again and again.  I am a mom.  Being a mom is awesome.

Lilian and I napped in our little room.  I snuggled her up in my arm, supported it with a ton of pillows cause you know, even with the third kid I tend to be a little paranoid.  Next thing I know the nurse is tugging at my arm to take my blood pressure and then she tugged and shoved at the tubes stuck in my arm.  I ignored her.  Heaven is when a baby cuddles you warm and soft. 

I don't know how much time passed but Lilian started to wiggle in my arms.  Immediately I figured she was hungry so I went to set myself up to feed her.  Unfortunately my body had another plan.  They had put so  much drugs into my system and I was so weak.  I couldn't even pull myself up into a sitting position and of course I couldn't reach the damn bed control.  So, I pushed the button I could reach....against my better judgement and called the nurse.  Nurse Betty comes strolling in with a smile.  At least she seemed nice.  Nurses and I usually don't get along so well.  She helped me up and got me situated so I could reach my table and my controls.  Betty refilled my water and ice chips (GOD I LOVE ICE CHIPS), got me some broth and crackers then informed me that Sherry would be by in an hour or so to poke at my incision.  Joy. 

It wasn't long before Nurse Betty was back with a hyper little freak of a nurse to change my dressing, bedding and to remove the catheter.  Joy.  Nurse Freak seemed nice enough but she was beyond odd.  Thinking back on it, she is lucky that she still has use of her arms.  Every damn time I turned around she wanted to take Lilian "off my hands" so I could rest, or go to the bathroom or some other stupid excuse to steal my angel.  All this even after she got my threat speech. 

Paula's Just-Had-A-Baby Threat Speech:
"This is my body and this is my baby.  You do not touch either without my permission.  If my permission is granted, you never leave my sight. You ALWAYS explain to me what you are going to do and why before you do it.  If you think I am kidding feel free to call down to Nevada and see how many nurses either quit or got fired because they crossed me during one of my first two births.  I am not a good patient and I don't play games.  I hate being in the hospital and I don't think very highly of any in the medical profession.  You do not know better than me.  Do not make the mistake of thinking or saying that I am "just an overwhelmed new mom" because that will surely cause me to harm you physically. I will most likely joke with you during the time that I am here, perhaps we will be friends.  IF that happens DO NOT assume that this threat is then void because I will whip around and bite your ass if you piss me off."

Nurse Betty heeded the warning...Nurse Freak thought I was just being funny.  When Sherry came in to check my incision and pick and poke at me I told her that she needed to have a talk with Nurse Freak about me.  I explained that I could tell this chick didn't get me at all.  Sherry grinned and said she would talk to her. 

My blood pressure was through the roof so Sherry was playing the heavy and started to spout orders to me about drinking more water (please lady, I drink enough to drown a fish!) and to not stress, listen to the nurses (fat chance) yadda yadda.  She planned to stop in on her way home this evening to check in on me.  Ok.  Fine. 

Sherry left me in peace just in time for my crew to arrive.  Jason came in with Kenny, Felicia, my Mom and my Dad.  Our little room was crowded.  Felicia looked scared and concerned.  She didn't understand why Mommy was in bed...and what the hell is that little wiggly thing eating mom's boob?  Kenny was all out excited.  He tried to hop on the bed.  Thankfully Jason was able to stop him. 

My Dad did something that still warms my heart.  He asked to hold her.  Dad doesn't hold babies, but he wanted to hold mine.  I handed her to him and he cooed at her and talked to her.  He commented on how beautiful she was and how usually babies are kinda ugly.  It was a sweet thing to watch.  I took her back for a few minutes to introduce her to her siblings.  Kenny wanted to hold her but we talked him out of it.  She was awake and looking around at the strange family she was born into.  I did my best to explain to the kids that Lilian used to be in my tummy but the doctors took her out and now, just like them she is one of my kids.  I think they understood to some degree. 

My Mom took Lilian then. I didn't watch too long cause I so desperately missed my angels.  I had to squeeze and hug and kiss them.  Kenny asked questions and Felicia sucked her thumb.  Lilian started crying about then and I (shame on me) shoved my older two aside so I could make room to get my baby back into my arms.  God, I still feel bad about that today!  I called Nurse Betty in and told her I needed some fresh air.  She looked at me funny.  I told her to please get me a wheel chair cause I wanted to go outside.  She stared at me.  I asked if there was a problem.  She said, "you can't take the baby outside."  DUH,  I told her that I won't.  Jason will stay in the room with Lilian and my mom and I were going outside.  She asked why.  I simply said, "Cause I need a damn cigarette.  I am a little stressed right now.  Did you not hear the "Oh SHIT" during the procedure to hack my baby out of me?"  She looked to the floor and said she would be right back.  Me in a wheel chair, pulling along my IV, my mom, my dad and the older kids made our way out the door. 

Apparently Nurse Betty called the doc to tell on me.  When I got back in the room she was there to take my blood pressure.  I commented that it wasn't time yet.  She simply told me the doc wanted another reading right away.  She turned on the stupid self pumping machine, wrapped my arm and told me to relax.  Ok.  Easy.  I saw the shock on her face as she watched the computer finish the reading.  My mom smirked.  Jason shook his head.  Guess what....that cigarette, even with the extra exertion from going outside brought my BP down about 17 points.  No one bitched about my smoking after that.

My parents left and we settled in.  Jason eventually took the kids to the cafeteria for lunch and I slurped at my broth with my little angel in my arms.

Pure Beauty

I suppose some may think that my attitude as a patient is over the top.  Perhaps you believe that I am making this crap up off the top of my head.  Rest assured....I am really that much of a pain in the ass!  I have little patience when it comes to this body of mine and even less patience for people who tell me I need to "rest" or "calm down" or my husband's favorite 'ism, "put ice on it."  Ugh. 

So, I am now on my way to my room.  My heart was pounding and my brain was flashing through the images of my first real moments with my first two critters. 

As we turn into the doorway I see my husband standing there under the television.  He is looking at me expectantly.  I see no baby.  Well, here comes that anger..."where is my baby!?" Jason tells me that I was gone so long that the nurse took her for her vitals and such.  "Why can't she do that here in the room where I can watch her?" He didn't know.  Just as I was attempting to pull my big butt out of bed so that I could march down the hall and rip some heads off (ok, I couldn't have walked...but that wouldn't have stopped me) Nurse Betty comes into the room wheeling the baby cart.  My anger disappeared.  There before me was a blessing with the cutest little scrunchy face and sweetest little puckered lips.  She was burrito-ed up in blankets and sleeping. 

Tears found their way to my eyes and I couldn't stop staring at her. 

Nurse Betty fussed over me for a bit and explained that she was going to be taking care of us for the next few days, during her shift.  I wondered if she was strong enough.  She whispered something to Jason as she passed him and then went to work on taking my blood pressure, temp, checking my circulation yadda yadda.  Jason started to unwrap our angel and proceeded to change her diaper.  I saw red.  I could have killed the man right there.  I am the mom, I am supposed to change her first diaper!  Yes, reason, that really shy idiot that sits at the back of my emotional chaos told me that he is Daddy. He isn't going to hurt her. He can do this.  Besides while I was recovering she must have had her diaper changed a few times.  Unfortunately the Mom-Beast in me only saw red and stomped on little woosy reason.  I think I actually growled.  Nurse Betty must have sensed there was something wrong because she started chatting me up about baby's first hour, her Apgar scores (10/10) and other little things that somehow softened me instantly.  I learned that she was a little poop machine, that she has an attitude (oh so proud is me) and that she seems to be more "cuddlely" than a most newborns. 

With  my vitals checked, I positioned myself and Jason handed me our sweet little critter.  So soft, warm.  She really loved to nestle herself up to me.  I hummed to her and stroked her head and she opened her beautiful eyes to look at me.  I don't know how long we sat like that, I was lost in that beauty.  She seemed to look at me for so long!  We were inturrupted when Sherry walked in.  She cooed over our angel as she started to explain to me that my recovery was going to frustrate me. 

I told her not to worry.  I was gonna be out of here tomorrow and that is that.  She got that stern face and told me that I would be lucky to get out of here by Monday.  Excuse me!!  "I don't like hospitals, I will be out of here by Saturday night!"  Sherry simply shook her head and then this patronizing smile formed on her face.  "We shall see," was all she said as she left the room. 

There was no room for me to fight with her.  I was full of love and feeling so light and happy.  My arms were full of sweetness!  I couldn't help myself.  I had to unwrap her little feet and play with them.  So awesome!  I love baby feet.  I think she gave me a dirty look but with me as a mom she would have to get used to this baby feet thing.  As I set her up to breastfeed, I prayed she would take to it.  She did. No problem.  In fact she sighed like this was what she was waiting for her whole life. :) We were both in heaven.

As I fed her, Jason and I started to talk about her name.  I asked, "Do you think that the name we chose fits her?"  He said, "Yes, it really does."  With that it was confirmed.

On June 18th Lilian Violet McMillen was born.  She weighed 6lbs,15oz

I couldn't wait for Kenny and Felicia to see her!!

"Oh Shit"

The epidural was taking effect and I was becoming sufficiently numb.  In the operating room they "oofed" my fat butt onto that really fun inverting table and proceeded to turn me upside down.  My itty bitty anesthesiologist took her place at my head and went through my vitals.  Jason soon came in dressed in scrubs and a paper hair net.  He looked so damn funny I couldn't contain the giggles.  I didn't tell him why I was giggling....I guess if he reads this he will soon find out.

In walks Sherry and Betty.  Sherry gave my shoulder a little squeeze and asked me if I was ready.  I was.  The thing about Sherry is for such a "battle axe" kind of lady she sure does love bringing babies into the world.  My OBGYN entered the room, grinned at me and headed toward my feet.  The little curtain came up.  I felt pressure as they tested for numbness one last time.  Everything was a Go. 

As I did with my last two c-sections I listened to the technical mumbo jumbo exchange as they got started.  "Itty bitty" kept smiling at me and commenting how relaxed I was.  I told her that she should have known I have been here twice before.  Jeez, ever heard of reading the medical records of a patient before you treat them?  She asked about my previous surgeries and we made small talk about my kids.  I heard the doc comment for the record that he was now ready to make the secondary incision...I felt pressure and that weird "opening" feeling (ok, that may have been imagined, but I felt it all three times).  I focused on the feelings and the building joy that the time was near.  Then I heard it.

Quietly, as if I wasn't supposed to hear, one of the three at my belly venomously spat out, "Oh Shit!"  Now, I don't know about you, but when I am lying on a table in a sterile room with many masked over educated strangers surrounding me OH SHIT is the last thing I want to hear!  I loudly screeched, "Oh Shit What?!" Sherry was suddenly at my head, Jason was looking confused and worried and "Itty Bitty" kept avoiding looking at me. 

"Sherry, is there something wrong with the baby?" She said no.  "Then what the fuck is going on down there?" She told me it was just a minor problem.  That my lower intestine had fused by scar tissue to my abdominal wall.  "What the hell does that mean?" She explained it was just a surprise and that doc was taking care of it.  Everything was fine.  "In less than 3 minutes you will hear that baby cry, I promise."  Ok.  Ok.  Ok.  I calmed down the best I could.  Itty Bitty finally started to do her job again.  She had to give me something to lower my blood pressure since I was ready to bolt from the table.  She also had to give me a sedative cause the doc was concerned my adrenaline would make the epidural wear off faster.  Good thing they did cause I swear I felt it wearing off as I forced myself to calm down. 

Sherry was right, just a few minutes later I heard that blessed little scream.  And she was pissed too!  Ahh, another angel with my  DNA :)  Sherry held our sweet angel up so I could see her.  She looked at me and heard me talk and calmed down as I stroked her little head.  Then they took her away and she went back to baby-cussing.  I was so proud!  Nurse Betty fussed over her for what seemed to me a very long time.  I later found out that she made 8 separate "poopies" in less than ten minutes.  The first taking place as they were pulling her out!  At least her intestines were in good working order :)

Our angel scored an 8 on her initial Apgar test.  I got to see her again before Jason followed her and Betty out of the room.  Sherry came over and teased me a little.  Apparently I was holding a ton of water and I drenched her from the hips down. It may be wrong, but I felt a little vindication from that. The "sewing back up" part seemed to take forever.  I made a few comments about it and was simply told they were almost done. 

I heard doc tell Sherry to close up and he came to sit by my head.  Doc apologized for the "worrisome comment during surgery" (ha ha ha ha ha it took all my strength not to laugh in his face).  He explained to me that it looks like, after Felicia's birth, the scar tissue was extensive and I didn't heal properly.  He accused me of not allowing myself enough down time after that delivery.  I didn't argue.  I know I am a bad bad girl.  Apparently, my lower intestine and my colon had fused to my abdominal wall and sections of my uterus.  Lovely picture huh. He looked relieved and hoped I was too when he further explained that he came within centimeters of cutting into my colon. Again, Lovely!  I said, "And that would mean SHIT would have been a literal comment, right?"  He gave me a small smile and went on to say that he did repair what he could but I would need longer recovery time and that there were worries that I would get post-natal eclampsia because of the meds Itty Bitty had to administer.  Great. Wonderful...wooo hhooo.  Ugh.

I was eventually finished getting put back together.  They had to hit me up with another dose of meds cause it took so damn long.  A new nurse came into the room and they "oofed" my ass onto another bed.  She wheeled me into a recovery room where I was to wait for my legs to at least tingle before I could see the baby.  Ugh!  This again.  I spent the next forty minutes trying to get out of the room.  The nurse told me to sleep and I told her to shove it in the nicest way I could.  I asked her if she could simply sleep while she was anticipating holding her baby for the first time.  She quite asking after that.  We chatted.  I found out she was the head of the nurses and Sherry had asked her to be there for my recovery because I tended to be a "spunky" patient.  Who, me?  Never!

I bitched and whined and lied about my legs so that I could go see my baby.  This nurse was too smart though.  She wouldn't let me leave until I could prove that I could move my toes and ankles.  Eventually the time had come and I was wheeled to my room. 

Here We Go...To the hospital...

First let me apologize (well, if anyone comes back to read this that is) for not getting to this earlier. 

My new OBGYN (if you remember reading about the psychotic witch I was seeing before you will also remember I had to switch docs more than half way through my pregnancy) saw me a couple of times, deemed me doing well and handed my care over to one of his mid-wives.  She is an awesome old lady!  I kid not.  She is a tough old broad....she handled me just as I should have been handled.  Her name is Sherry.  She took me on with a smile and a firm hand.  I quickly found myself trusting her because she listened to my concerns, my bitching and my frustrations then gave me straight answers.  There were times I found myself "checking" my trust.  Never before have I found a medical person able to handle me so perfectly...without making me feel like I was being "handled." 

A few days before I was due to check into the hospital, we attempted to find someone to watch the kids. It wasn't as easy as pie. My parents (only an hour away) were balking, most of my friends had jobs or kids of their own. Eventually it became a chaotic scheduling mess, but we found decent people to keep track of our critters while we brought our newest critter into the world. This didn't do much to releive my stress.  I hated that my kids had to be handed off back and forth between available people.



I checked into the hospital at the crack of dawn. Nervous as always and in a bad mood because I didn't sleep well...and I didn't eat for 12 hours! I was instantly on defensive. Nothing anyone said, no amount of "nursey" optimism could lighten my mood enough to trust any of those well-meaning souls who attempted to get me to relax.  For all I knew in my nutcase brain, they were all looking at me with disdain for being a smoker...for being fat...for being a bitch.  Whatever the case, I was just not the happy camper.  Huh, and people say the third time is a charm.  NOT!  I just doubt I will ever be a happy camper when it comes to anything medical. 

I am all hooked up and waiting to be wheeled into surgery.  The anesthesiologist comes into the room to explain her part.  I nodded in the right places all the while thinking this frail, skinny little thing is gonna get a rude awakening when she finds out that I am not easily drugged and not good at being a patient.  But, I have been here before.  I smile and attempt to relax knowing what to expect from the procedure.  After all, my hubby will be right next to me. 

Now walks in Nurse Betty.  No joke, her name is Betty.  She is an old dodger herself.  Cute as your grandma and looking as nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving.  I think someone told her about me. Good.  People should be forewarned about what they are about to deal with.  My first impression of Nurse Betty is that she is gonna run away crying before the day is up.  She is assigned to be the baby nurse during delivery and then our care nurse for the rest of her shift.  Ok.  I figured this experience would test her enough to see what she was made of.  She was kind and explained the procedure and asked if I had any questions.  I asked this and that, pretty much already knowing the answer but curious to see how she reacted.  She seemed fine. 

A few moments later my OBGYN walked in with Sherry behind him.  He poked me, checked my chart then left to prep for the surgery.  Sherry stayed for a minute.  Asked me if I had any questions etc.  I noticed she was in scrubs.  I asked her if she was here delivering for another patient.  She looked shocked, almost hurt.  She told me she was here for me.  HUH?  I thought that since she was a mid-wife she wouldn't be in for hacking me open and ripping the little angel from my womb.  She told me she wouldn't miss it for the world!  I almost cried.  Finally, someone I had a repartee with...someone I felt I could trust was gonna be right there with me.  Cool.  I relaxed a little.  Not much, but a little. 

So, off to surgery we go.

I know that I suck

My dear ones...  I am so sorry that I have not gotten my shit together fast enough.  I do feel rather guilty for not keeping up on my blog.  The Lilian Pregnancy was more eventful than the previous two....I have a lot to tell you.  SO  The good  news is that hubby has rocketed me into the nerd age.  I now have my very own laptop and I can go anywhere I want...even in my room to hide...so that I may catch up on my blog!!  Woo Hoo.  Aren't you excited?  LOL  Ok, I doubt you are turning cartwheels, but I am sure excited.  It is such therapy to get things off my brain.  Whether you read them or not...perhaps I have lost you all forever....I will be back in a few days to get the Lilian story going....

And to make sure you get excited too.....

Here is a picture of Lilian on her birth day.