I Wanna Go Home

Lilian's first evening in our world was beautiful.  Jason stayed with me there in the hospital and we spent the night sleeping peacefully only occasionally waking for a quiet talk while I fed our angel. 

Just after my really yucky bland bland breakfast the next morning, Sherry stopped in to check on me.  She was concerned about my swelling and my blood pressure being all over the place.  I told her that I wanted to go home.  She cocked her head and told me that there was no way I could go home today.  I argued my case and lost.  I don't like to lose.  I have two other children who need me, a comfortable bed to sleep in without nurses interrupting me all night and a home to introduce Lilian to.  I wanted to go home! "Give it just one more night please," Sherry said.  Ok, one more night. 

We made phone calls and got a friend to stay with the kids.  I hated that I was away from them.  Seeing them in the hospital is fine and dandy, but it isn't easy for a kid to be on best behavior for so long in such a sterile setting.

Most of the day was uneventful.  I was able to get up and walk around a lot more, that made me happy.  I was able to relax a little, that made Jason happy.  As evening drew closer I prepared for Sherry to make her "as I am heading for home" visit.  Nurse Betty was coming back on shift, and so was freaky nurse and I was able to make jokes and be a decent enough person for a while recognizing a little routine as night fell.  Sherry looked a little tense when she came in.  I asked her what was what.  She again made frowny faces at my healing and poked around my incision.  "I am concerned that you are not healing properly.  We had to really stretch, pull, shove and rearrange things in there during birth."  I knew what was coming next.  I didn't want to hear it so as is my normal habit I shot off, "If you think I am going to fall for some crap excuse like that you are nuts!  I wanna go home!"  Sherry shot back, "I don't care what you want, I care about making you better so you can raise that little baby! If you need to stay longer dammit you are going to do so!"  NO one has ever spoken to me like that aside from my mother!  I was shocked.  I was amazed.  I was actually impressed!  Still, I couldn't let it go.  "I don't want to stay here and play patient.  I feel fine and I want to go home.  You come back in the morning and you will see that I am ready to go.  I left early after Kenny and Felicia, I am going to go home tomorrow and that is that.  I will be fine."  She didn't even flinch.  Nurse Betty was standing near the door and the poor woman looked like she just saw a bad traffic accident. 

Sherry took a deep breath and pulled up a chair.  Rubbing my shoulder she said, "I don't like the way things look.  You going home early after the first two c-sections is probably why you are in the place you are now.  Your body didn't heal properly and now you must let it heal.  I mean it. I wouldn't make you stay here longer than you wanted."  I didn't know what to say.  I wanted to scream and fight, but in my heart I knew she was right.  Ok, fine.  Sherry left after a few more minutes.  She really was an awesome midwife.  I could have strangled her for not giving me what I wanted, but I love her for caring.

I called Jason who was at home with the kids making dinner and doing baths and such.  I explained to him what Sherry said and asked him to bring me the little netbook when he came in for the night.  He agreed and let me know when to expect him. 

I sat in my room cradling little Lilian in my arms.  Then I lost it.  I started crying like a freak!  I am talking BAWLING hard and long sobs of pure pain.  I didn't even know what hurt!  I couldn't figure out where this was coming from.  It wasn't a tantrum for not getting my way...it was more like a letting go of frustration and realizing that a new more frustrating frustration was taking it's place.  It was weird!  It was so not me. 

Nurse Betty tapped the door and walked in.  She came to the bed and asked what was wrong.  I asked her to watch Lilian so I could go have a smoke and get out for a minute.  She agreed and I put on my robe and tottered my ass outside.  I stood there near the entrance, staring at the mostly empty parking lot bawling and bawling all the while telling myself that I was nuts.  I had no real reason to be crying.  I mean come on!  This is me here.  I am supposed to be strong and organized.  I am Paula...Pillar of Steel.  Right?  Apparently not. 

I went back inside to find Nurse Freak playing with Lilian.  I wanted to kill her.  I went to the nurses station and found Nurse Betty...took her aside and told her that I wasn't too thrilled with Nurse Freak.  I didn't want to be mean, but I didn't want her all over my baby.  Betty understood and told me that she would do her best to keep her occupied but without being too obvious.  I thanked her. 

Nurse Betty followed me back to my room and asked Nurse Freak to run an errand.  She shut the door and asked me if I wanted to talk.  No.  I didn't.  She pried a little more and seemed genuinely concerned.  Then I lost it again.  I blubbered about how it seemed so hard to convince my parents to come and help out for just one night...about the frustration with Sherry and why she won't let me go home...about how Jason has to miss more work because of my fat ass...about the fear that my older kids would be mad at me and not feel part of the process...about the surgery itself, how scared and alone I felt in that room as they tried to put my humpty-dumpty ass back together again.  So much came pouring out of me.  It shocked me.  I don't do that.  I definitely don't do that in front of other people.  Not even hubby! I ended my fruit-loop tirade with the panic I felt at just the thought of Jason not staying with me overnight in the hospital.  She told me he was welcome, but I didn't know who else to tap to watch Kenny and Felicia if I didn't get to go home the next day.  We will cross that bridge is all she could say.  Then Nurse Betty gave me a hug.  I needed that so bad. 

I spent the rest of the night crying, sleeping and feeding.  That was about it.  Jason stayed with me and did his best to support me.  I was a basket case.  Sunday morning dawned and I was convinced that I could go home today.  Sherry came by on her way to the office and we chatted about how I was feeling and what she wanted to see.  She said that she would stop by at lunch and check on me.  Then she would decide if I could go home.  Ok. 

It was around 2 when she was able to make it in.  I had just finished my first after baby shower and was feeling damn good and perfectly refreshed.  I started to pack up my suitcase.  Sherry had me sit down.  She checked my vitals, my incision and took a deep breath.  I hate deep breath's!  She looked me in the eye and told me that I couldn't go home today.  I didn't even argue.  I couldn't.  I just broke down again.