"Oh Shit"

The epidural was taking effect and I was becoming sufficiently numb.  In the operating room they "oofed" my fat butt onto that really fun inverting table and proceeded to turn me upside down.  My itty bitty anesthesiologist took her place at my head and went through my vitals.  Jason soon came in dressed in scrubs and a paper hair net.  He looked so damn funny I couldn't contain the giggles.  I didn't tell him why I was giggling....I guess if he reads this he will soon find out.

In walks Sherry and Betty.  Sherry gave my shoulder a little squeeze and asked me if I was ready.  I was.  The thing about Sherry is for such a "battle axe" kind of lady she sure does love bringing babies into the world.  My OBGYN entered the room, grinned at me and headed toward my feet.  The little curtain came up.  I felt pressure as they tested for numbness one last time.  Everything was a Go. 

As I did with my last two c-sections I listened to the technical mumbo jumbo exchange as they got started.  "Itty bitty" kept smiling at me and commenting how relaxed I was.  I told her that she should have known I have been here twice before.  Jeez, ever heard of reading the medical records of a patient before you treat them?  She asked about my previous surgeries and we made small talk about my kids.  I heard the doc comment for the record that he was now ready to make the secondary incision...I felt pressure and that weird "opening" feeling (ok, that may have been imagined, but I felt it all three times).  I focused on the feelings and the building joy that the time was near.  Then I heard it.

Quietly, as if I wasn't supposed to hear, one of the three at my belly venomously spat out, "Oh Shit!"  Now, I don't know about you, but when I am lying on a table in a sterile room with many masked over educated strangers surrounding me OH SHIT is the last thing I want to hear!  I loudly screeched, "Oh Shit What?!" Sherry was suddenly at my head, Jason was looking confused and worried and "Itty Bitty" kept avoiding looking at me. 

"Sherry, is there something wrong with the baby?" She said no.  "Then what the fuck is going on down there?" She told me it was just a minor problem.  That my lower intestine had fused by scar tissue to my abdominal wall.  "What the hell does that mean?" She explained it was just a surprise and that doc was taking care of it.  Everything was fine.  "In less than 3 minutes you will hear that baby cry, I promise."  Ok.  Ok.  Ok.  I calmed down the best I could.  Itty Bitty finally started to do her job again.  She had to give me something to lower my blood pressure since I was ready to bolt from the table.  She also had to give me a sedative cause the doc was concerned my adrenaline would make the epidural wear off faster.  Good thing they did cause I swear I felt it wearing off as I forced myself to calm down. 

Sherry was right, just a few minutes later I heard that blessed little scream.  And she was pissed too!  Ahh, another angel with my  DNA :)  Sherry held our sweet angel up so I could see her.  She looked at me and heard me talk and calmed down as I stroked her little head.  Then they took her away and she went back to baby-cussing.  I was so proud!  Nurse Betty fussed over her for what seemed to me a very long time.  I later found out that she made 8 separate "poopies" in less than ten minutes.  The first taking place as they were pulling her out!  At least her intestines were in good working order :)

Our angel scored an 8 on her initial Apgar test.  I got to see her again before Jason followed her and Betty out of the room.  Sherry came over and teased me a little.  Apparently I was holding a ton of water and I drenched her from the hips down. It may be wrong, but I felt a little vindication from that. The "sewing back up" part seemed to take forever.  I made a few comments about it and was simply told they were almost done. 

I heard doc tell Sherry to close up and he came to sit by my head.  Doc apologized for the "worrisome comment during surgery" (ha ha ha ha ha it took all my strength not to laugh in his face).  He explained to me that it looks like, after Felicia's birth, the scar tissue was extensive and I didn't heal properly.  He accused me of not allowing myself enough down time after that delivery.  I didn't argue.  I know I am a bad bad girl.  Apparently, my lower intestine and my colon had fused to my abdominal wall and sections of my uterus.  Lovely picture huh. He looked relieved and hoped I was too when he further explained that he came within centimeters of cutting into my colon. Again, Lovely!  I said, "And that would mean SHIT would have been a literal comment, right?"  He gave me a small smile and went on to say that he did repair what he could but I would need longer recovery time and that there were worries that I would get post-natal eclampsia because of the meds Itty Bitty had to administer.  Great. Wonderful...wooo hhooo.  Ugh.

I was eventually finished getting put back together.  They had to hit me up with another dose of meds cause it took so damn long.  A new nurse came into the room and they "oofed" my ass onto another bed.  She wheeled me into a recovery room where I was to wait for my legs to at least tingle before I could see the baby.  Ugh!  This again.  I spent the next forty minutes trying to get out of the room.  The nurse told me to sleep and I told her to shove it in the nicest way I could.  I asked her if she could simply sleep while she was anticipating holding her baby for the first time.  She quite asking after that.  We chatted.  I found out she was the head of the nurses and Sherry had asked her to be there for my recovery because I tended to be a "spunky" patient.  Who, me?  Never!

I bitched and whined and lied about my legs so that I could go see my baby.  This nurse was too smart though.  She wouldn't let me leave until I could prove that I could move my toes and ankles.  Eventually the time had come and I was wheeled to my room.