Fear and Relief

The first thing I did the next day was call Dr. Kolbalter. I had this fantasy that I would rush to the doctor and he would draw blood and proudly pronounce I was pregnant. Instead, the receptionist told me that their policy was to wait until I was about eight weeks pregnant before my first appointment. No Fair! I couldn't even talk to the doctor! My first impulse was to insist that I get the very next appointment, but I still had some fears regarding the whole medical profession. So I decided to hold on to my new hope. I made an appointment for December 6th.

During the next four weeks I was so afraid. I didn't want to tell anyone! I didn't want to jinx my luck and the life of this baby. I told my mom, but made her swear secrecy. I told my aunt who lived down the street from me at the time and she too kept it to herself. With all the reading I had done about pregnancy, I knew that the first three months are the scariest. You could have a miscarriage without much cause.

Thanksgiving came and I was so concerned because I didn't have morning sickness. I wasn't super tired nor did I have any of the symptoms that are textbook to most women. I couldn't wait to get to the doctor and get an official confirmation! The day after Thanksgiving eased my mind a little. For some reason, while taking the first bite of what should have been the most delicious leftover turkey sandwhich ever made, I swooned with nasuea and almost threw up.

I called my mother. She lives in Oregon. She told me that not all women have those typical symptoms. She asked if there was anything at all that I felt different about. I told her there was one thing but I hesitated to tell her what it was. Mom pressed and I finally gave in. I told her that there were actually two things. First, all I have dreamed about while sleeping was sex. I mean some serious, "blushing-just-thinking-about-it" kind of sex. After she got done laughing, she asked what the other "difference" was. I shyly told her that awake, all I wanted was sex. In fact, calling my husband home from work three times in the last two weeks to quelch my need. My mother laughed so hard she had to put the phone down. I didn't think this was very funny. I was never one to be whacked out over sex, especially considering my history with rape. My husband was happy but I kinda felt a little slutty. Here I sat pregnant but can't stop thinking about the "wild thing!" What kind of mom was I going to be??!??

Needless to say, I finally made it to my doctor's appointment. Dr Kolbalter was all smiles as he explained that it was probably too early to hear the baby's heart beat. This concerned me. He then insisted on an in office internal ultrasound. I didn't know what "internal" meant, and boy was I surprised when I found out! The technician kept telling me to relax. Ha!

Regardless, after her "wand" was in position, she turned the computer monitor so that I could see it. I saw then, the small peanut shaped baby growing inside me. I cried and cried and cried and begged for a picture printout. She obliged. The most beautiful picture in the world! I carried it around with me, I looked at it while at stop lights, waiting in the waiting rooms, sitting at home I set it next to me while I cooked dinner, wrapped Christmas gifts or slept. My baby.

Dr Kobalter said that all results looked great. My due date was set for July 14th, 2005. The baby was perfectly attached, looked healthy and everything was on the right track. I asked if it was safe to tell the world. He grinned and told me yes. I asked him when I could find out what the sex of the baby was. He told me sometime in late Feb would be a safe bet. I remember this part vividly. After I got my shoes on and stood up ready to leave, I simply turned to the doctor, looked him straight in the eye and calmly told him that it is a boy.

Christmas morning was the morning that I decided to anounce to the world that I was finally going to be a mommy. I felt that this baby is such a gift, that there would be no better time. I called my mom's house. My sister, brother, father and other friends and family were there. I asked to put on speaker. After everyone hushed and got past the "why aren't you in Oregon" jokes, I pronounced, " I am pregnant!" My sister screamed as if she just won the lottery, my brother congratulated my husband, and then the noise got too loud to descern what was said. They were happy for me. Then they yelled at me and my mom for keeping it a secret for so long.

I spend the rest of the morning on the phone with various friends and family letting everyone know when the baby was due, how I finally found a doctor who was willing to listen and act on my complaints. Everyone was so excited. I was asked what colors I was decorating the baby's room, what clothes I wanted them to send etc etc. I stopped everyone mid-sentence. My policy...no gifts for the baby until I am at least 5 months along. I got mixed reaction. I tried to explain that I didn't want to jinx this baby. I was totally relieved that I had made it to the three month mark, but I couldn't let go of my fear. My body has failed me in so many ways for so long, I just didn't want to test the will of fate.

My next checkup with the doctor was scheduled for January 8th.