My New Chair

It took about two weeks for the news to travel the family grapevine. Family members that I haven't seen or spoken to since I was a kid came out of the blue and sent me cards of congratulations. I went from being a hermit, hiding out in my house trying to avoid contact with people to this happy person that had been hiding inside me since I was a pre-teen!

Can you believe I still held on to some of my denial? I did. I refused to even walk through the baby section of the store. I even (secretly) took more pregnancy tests just to make sure that I wasn't dreaming.

I believe it was around the 3rd of January when my husband and I were driving home from the store and I had the first real scare of my life. I was behind the wheel. It was around 6pm. I was coming over the rise of a hill back down into the lower part of the valley when I suddenly felt a serious sense of vertigo. I didn't know what it was at the time. In fact, I screamed to my husband that I was having a stroke and pulled the car over the best I could. My eyes wouldn't focus, my hands were shaking, my speech was slurred and the dizziness literally made my head flop to the side uncontrollably. My husband helped me into the passenger seat and took me to the ER. I freaked. The entire 15 minutes it took to get there, I screamed over and over again that my body was killing my baby. I was near hysterics. My poor husband didn't know what to do. He parked the car in front of the ambulance entrance and rushed in screaming for help. I was left in the car with my head lolled to the side just crying and crying.

A nurse rushed to the car and opened my door. I almost fell into her lap! She calmly asked me what was wrong, was I in pain, if I was allergic to this or that etc etc. I stopped crying and calmed myself down. I really believed that my baby was already lost. I quietly told her that I was dizzy and couldn't focus my eyes because my body just killed my baby.

My husband helped her get me into a wheelchair, then helped get me onto a gurney once we were inside. I remember her asking my husband if I was pregnant and how far along I was as they took my vital signs. I was calm now. I figured the baby was dead and honestly hoped that I wouldn't finish this day either. He told them I was about 12 weeks along. Someone asked about any medications. I said no. One nurse pulled up my shirt and gasped. She had never seen psoriasis so bad before. All this time I was still calm. My husband, well, he was taken out of the room for a moment because he was in a full state of panic. They took some blood, hooked my belly up to some wires and monitors, checked my eyes, ears, throat etc.

The doctor came in with my newly put together file. He put his hands on both sides of my head so I would look at him. With a grin he told me the baby was fine. I called him a liar. He said, "Have you ever had Vertigo before?" I told him that was just a movie title. He giggled as he held up a strip of paper. He pointed out the jagged line that shows my heartbeat rhythm and the line underneath it that shows the baby's heartbeat rhythm. I started to cry. I was so relieved. Then, I freaked. Why was the baby's line so much more jagged than mine? It was my husband who reminded me that according to the book we were reading on pregnancy, the baby's heartbeat is almost twice as fast as the mom's.

I started to grasp reality again. The dizzy, eye spinning was almost gone. They left us alone for about half an hour and then returned to tell me I simply had a severe inner ear infection. That is what caused my vertigo. It was not a stroke, nor was the baby ever in harms way. Everyone was fine but since I was pregnant, I couldn't take any antibiotics and they suggested I talk to my OBGYN about it at my next appointment. The doctor suggested that I don't drive until it cleared up. When I apologized for being such a moronic fool, he simply told me that my self defecation was worse for the baby than my panic. I hold that thought even today. I am not always nice to myself, but I never EVER let my kids see those times when I feel the need to put myself down.

Just five days later my husband and I walked into the OBGYN's office ready for an update. Dr Kolbalter smiled when we told him of my vertigo and explained it wasn't uncommon. Your body goes through more changes than you feel when you are pregnant. We took my weight and other vitals. Guess what. I had LOST four pounds!! Kolbalter asked me if I had morning sickness. No. Was I eating? Oh yeah, but for some reason, I couldn't eat meat. He laughed and told me to make sure I get my protein.

I laid down on the examination bed and let him poke and prod my belly for a few minutes. He then pulled out a bottle of COLD goo. I just about shot off the table when he started to squirt it on me! He told me not to get my hopes up completely, but we should hear the baby's heartbeat. Apparently sometimes the baby likes to hide curled up and you can't always find it. I told him the readout I saw at the ER showed that the baby was healthy. He grinned and slid the wand of the dopplar thingie over my belly. We were all so quiet. I held my breath. He slid the wand high and we listened to my heart. He taught us how to count for 15 seconds, the beats, then multiply it by four for the the actual beats per minute. Then he slid the wand down again, just below my belly button. It brings tears to my eyes right now. That sound. That most beautiful sound!! I can't explain it well, but I will try. My eyes flew wide at the fast beat "boom boom boom"...I grasped my husbands hand and felt like I was a drift on the wings of a million butterflies. No song, no water fall, no chirp of any bird could have made a more beautiful sound. No angel could sing a more sweet note! My GOD! I have never in my life felt such pure, unaltered, perfect joy! My husband counted out the beats, did the math. 152 beats per minute. Perfect. Right in range. My baby is happy, healthy.

I felt so special. I felt blessed, honored. There, inside my is a spirit of pure innocence. A perfect product of nature, and I am the one who has the honor of taking care of it. Nurturing it. Loving it.

We left the doctor with one sad note. Dr. Kolbalter was only affiliated with the hospital in Tahoe. The California side of Tahoe. We truly wanted to have our child born in Nevada. It would be safer for me. Higher altitude affects my asthma in scary ways. As it was, living at 3500 ft was a bit risky. So, Kolbalter handed me over to Dr. Chacon. I grilled him with questions and concerns. We finally made the decision to see Chacon. Do I regret it, no. Still, I do believe that Dr. Kolbalter deserved to be there with me through such a beautiful process.

As we got into the car, my husband insisted that we celebrate the baby. The heartbeat. The moment. We went to lunch and then headed to the furniture store where we bought the most perfect little green reclining rocker chair. I will come to raise both of my children in that chair.
We set it up in the living room next to a little table and the heater. Winter is cold in the high desert.

NOTE* I am honored that you are reading these posts. I sure hope your eyes aren't tired, for they are long ones. Thanks.