We settled comfortably into our room with our new baby. Felicia, even today, is a scrappy young lady. By scrappy, I mean a little evil, a little angelic, a little pushy and over all a full, on GIRL! She is one of those souls that is born knowing what she wants and nothing will stop her from getting her way. This was evident in the womb, and even more so in the first few hours of her "outside" life! Right away she wanted what I not-so-delicately call "boob." Like a puppy or kitten nuzzling in and kneading out the milk, Felicia seemed to not only want to breasfeed, she somehow knew where the food came from, who had it, and the best way to extract it.
This amazed me! Kenny had so much trouble latching on. He seemed lazy and sloppy about it. Felicia awoke from our little nap and wiggled her way around until she was nuzzled up to my breast, face first. I opened the gown and let her in, and I swear to you I thought this child was going for blood!! She gnawed and suckled right off with such vigor I could actually imagine claws suddenly popping from her sweet little fingers and threatening me harm if I didn't give up the gold! Yes, I read too much Stephen King. In my defense, even the nurses were surprised. A woman's milk usually doesn't fully come in until about two or three days after giving birth. Thanks to Felicia's persistence, my milk started to come in that evening! I was so worried about the breastfeeding. Those horrible feelings flooded into my head replaying the events I went through trying to get Kenny on the boob. Felicia's instant "gimme" attitude settled those fears right away.
With the worry of feeding Felicia out of the way, I was able to focus a little on myself. I have been insisting for weeks that I would not allow the nurses to keep food from me. I know you aren't supposed to eat after such surgery, but I couldn't help but wonder if the lack of food hurt Kenny's ability to breastfeed. When I asked for something to eat the nurses were cautious, but never told me no. Relief! I started out with crunched ice, jello and a little broth with some crackers. I scarfed this down like crazy then I went through four cups of crushed ice. My tummy was full and Felicia was sleeping in her little cradle thingie. I settled back on the bed and relaxed. Jason and I talked about how soon it would be before I could take a shower. My psoriasis was starting to stiffen up and crack in places. I didn't need a skin infection on top of a surgery so we called the nurse in so that we could ask about a shower. As the nurse entered the room I projectile vomited all over the bed and myself! It came out of nowhere! One second I was relaxed and comfortable, glowing in post-eating bliss, the next second every bit of fluid in my body was escaping as if shot out of a pressure washer!! I didn't even feel nauseous!!!! What the HELL!
The nurse went into action. She handed my stunned husband a stack of towels from the cupboard, pulled me out of bed into a chair, wrapped up the bedding tossing it into a big hamper near the door, washed my face, pulled back my hair, cleaned my hands, checked my vitals, iv's and breathing, and calmed the panic look off my face all in less than 30 seconds!!! She was like a derranged octopus! My GOD! I just sat there like a lump!! I was shocked, amazed and totally impressed with this nurse!
After getting me into the bathroom and setting me on the potty, the nurse called out to the desk to have my bed remade. Jason kept watch over Felicia (who slept through it all) while my supernurse got me into the shower. I was weaker than I wanted to be. Weaker than I ever wanted to admit to being, weaker than I was after Kenny, but this nurse not only helped to clean me up, she allieviated my panic, stress and embarrasment. She spoke softly to me and even joked about how this wasn't so bad. She helped to dry me off then proceded to help me get my psoriasis medication gooped all over my body. I honestly just kind of went into a daze. When she opened the bathroom door back into the room, the bed was done, Jason was holding Felicia, another tray was waiting holding a cup of ice water and everything looked so perfect that you would never know that an adult woman just lost her cookies and her pride. Jason still looked like a deer caught in the headlights and Felicia was waking up fussing and squirming, asking for more boob. I couldn't believe it.
Supernurse helped me back into bed, took Felicia from Jason and positioned her for feeding, actually APOLOGIZED for my debacle and left saying she would check on us soon. Felicia gnawed at my breast. Jason and I just looked at eachother for a while trying to let it all sink in. After a few minutes the fog was lifted when the phone rang. Carol and Kenny were at the desk and they needed Jason to go out and sign them in to visit.
Kenny and Carol walked in the room, Jason behind them. My world instantly lit up. I was concerned that I wouldn't think about Kenny OR all I would do was think about Kenny. It was awesome to have this wonderful little family all together! I introduced Kenny to his sister and Carol gushed over how beautiful she was. The visit was short, ending with Jason walking Carol and Kenny out to the car. I missed him so much! I cuddled with Felicia and fell asleep.
I awoke to a nurse checking my vitals. Jason was napping on the little couch and Felicia was staring up at my face. Not long after the nurse left, Supernurse arrived to give me an extra-check. She asked me if I was up to an interview. "For what?" I asked. "The newspaper sent over a reporter to interview you about having the New Year Baby." Wow. I agreed and the nurse told me that she would tell the reporter to come up around 3pm.
3 O'clock rolls around and in walks this little reporter chick and her male PHOTOGRAPHER!!! No one mentioned pictures!! Holy COW!! I look like shit. This guy asked permission to take pictures and Jason popped up, "Sure." Oh, proud daddy doesn't care if a picture of his horrid looking wife is circulated all over town. I CARE!! I told the guy to be nice about any pictures of me. He smiled, agreed and said he understood. He took some photos of Felicia in her cradle, with her daddy and then with me. He then sat in the background while the reporter asked me some questions. I answered the questions as best I could. I was on pain medication, but I think I came off as semi-intelligent. I told her about my grandmother and how wonderful she was. I told her about losing my grandmother and how significant it was to me to give Felicia part of her name. I told her about Kenny. About how hard it was for us to get pregnant in the first place. All in all it was ok. I was actually proud and honored.
We were on the front page the next day!!
Later that evening, one of the volunteer's at the hospital brought us a little basket of lovely gifts. A hand knitted sweater and hat, books, gift certificates, cards and flowers. We finally let it sink in that not only was Felicia special because she is our daughter, she is special to everyone else too. It is good to know that others look on your child as something worth celebrating. Every child is worth celebrating.
3 a.m. Jason gently kisses my cheek and attempts to wake me up. "It is time to go meet our baby, Honey." I open my eyes, glare at him through a fog of sleep and tell him,"Go away." I turn my back to him and roll over. He persists, "C'mom Paula, we have to get ready so that we can get to the hospital in time." I look over at his nightstand. It is 3 a.m. As I snuggle back into the covers and my soft pillow, I tell him, "I am not getting there two hours early just to wait and worry. Wake me up at 4. The surgery is scheduled at 6. We will get there at 5. Now, go away." Jason left the room mumbling curses to himself at my stubbornness. I heard him whisper something to Carol in the hallway. I went back to sleep holding my precious belly.
3:30 a.m. Jason again, gently kisses my cheek and tells me it's time to get up. I open my eyes, look at the clock and reply, "Go away. I said 4!" He left, again mumbling complaints under his breath.
Just shy of 4 a.m. I got up, went into the bathroom and took a shower. During my shower I sang to my belly. Jason came into the bathroom. I again told him to go away. These were my very last moments alone with my sweet baby. After my shower, I gooped on my psoriasis medication, got dressed and packed my bathroom gear into my over night case. Jason carried my baggage, the baby car seat and his little duffel bag out to the truck. I went into Kenny's room and sat next to his crib. I talked to both kids again, telling them how great a friendship they will have. I told Kenny I would miss him. I kissed his hand. Carol stood in the doorway and whispered the time. Fine. I guess it is time to go. I kissed Kenny again and made my way to the living room.
I hugged Carol, went over the plan to take care of Kenny again and grabbed my jacket and purse. Jason and I climbed into the truck. Of course, I drove. It was still dark and very cold outside. It just didn't seem like life was real. My head was filled with worry, wonder and the promise of a beautiful face containing beautiful eyes that would soon capture a place in my permanent memory file. I must admit. Considering the crap I went through with the nurses while I was in the hospital having Kenny, I was gearing myself up for another fight. I was working up the vocabulary that I would use the moment I got pissed off. Various conversations were running through my head to take care of any situation that could arise.
Jason could tell I was working myself into a lather. He tried to keep me calm. "It should be nice in the new hospital." I nodded. "Doc Chacon said that there is all new staff in the maternity wing." I nodded. "At least the roads aren't icy." I nodded. "You know Carol will take great care of Kenny. She is going to bring him to the hospital this afternoon." I nodded. He gave up. I know it sounds cruel, I just didn't feel like talking. My head was filled to the top with too much emotion.
We pulled into the parking lot. I got out and smoked a cigarette. It was just after 5 a.m. Jason hauled out the luggage and we started for the door. We had to go through emergency since the hospital proper was closed. They called upstairs and verified that I was scheduled. What moron would go to the hospital, 5 am, pregnant, cold and tired for no reason unless they were scheduled for surgery.
After entering, we walked down a long corridor, headed for the elevators. I looked at the closed coffee stand longingly. When we got to the fourth floor, we had to talk through an intercom to be let inside. While approaching the nursing station I eyed the girls with contempt. I didn't recognize any of them. A plus for them. They were all smiles and brightness. Ick. They took me to a wonderful room with a great view of the parking lot and the mountains behind it. Not bad. I started to relax. It was clean and comfortable. My nurse showed me around the room, the amenities and helped me get into my gown then into bed. She hooked up my IV. Got it the first try. A plus for her. She then brought in paperwork to fill out and go over. When I handed the papers back to here, she voiced her concern as to how late I was. "You were due to be here at 4 so that we could do the surgery prep." I glared at her. "Are we done prepping?" I asked. She nodded yes. "The clock says that it is 5:50 am, the surgery is at 6 a.m. Why the hell should I have come on any earlier?" She got a smug little look on her face, but it was gone in an instant. "I guess it will be ok," she said.
The nurse left the room and Jason and I made idle chat for a while. He was excited. I was excited. It was time. We are going to meet our daughter.
Chacon came in dressed in scrubs, all smiles and giddiness. He brought in the anesthesiologist, introduced him and told me he would see me in the operating room. The anesthesiologist didn't look too happy about being up so early. He was not into chit chat and simply explained the procedure. The surgical nurses showed up, took Jason to get him in his scrubs and I was wheeled into the operating room. The anesthesiologist and a nurse sat me up and a needle was shoved into my spine. Hit it the first time. These people were actually getting on my good side.
Jason and I chatted for a little while as my body went numb and the nurses shaved me for surgery. Chacon and Hall came into the room. Doc Hall is our pediatrician. I was tilted back and the prepping was done. Chacon, grinning as usual asked me if I was ready. All of a sudden my excitement and sorrow hit me full force. Tears were rolling out of my eyes. "Is there anything wrong?" Chacon asked. "No, I am ready. I just don't think I am ready to let her go yet." Chacon said, "I know, you went through this with Kenny. She is ready to come out and everything looks good. In just a few moments you will meet your daughter." I smiled, "Alright. Let's go."
They made the incision, shoved me around this way and that. I held Jason's hand and tried to relax. There seemed to be more pain this time, but that could just be the whole birth-nesia thing that women go through. I tilted my head forward and called to Chacon, "You better make sure that she cries!" He glanced over at me, "Don't worry, she is a feisty little thing. Right now she is dancing around. She will be crying the moment she pops out." One of the nurses made comment,"You know this will be the first baby of the year." I commented back, "Don't bullshit me just to get my mind off this, it won't work." Chacon chimed in. "No, she is right. No one came in yesterday. In fact we haven't had a delivery since Dec 29th. Paula, you are having the first baby of the New Year at this hospital!" I was stunned. This couldn't be possible. It is January 2nd. There is like a ton of babies born every day, how can I have the first baby of the New Year?
The pressure increased in my chest as my innards were shoved into my rib cage. Chacon asked his assistants if they were ready. They were. "Here she comes." I felt a little pressure release as he pulled the baby out. A nurse gasped, "She is so PINK!" I went into a panic. "What is wrong!!" I screamed. The nurse replied, "Nothing is wrong, sweetheart. She is perfect and pink and beautiful." I was instantly jealous. It isn't fair that someone else go to see her first.
There was a sucking noise and then our daughter proved to the world that her lungs were fully developed and ready for action. My God did she scream. She was more pissed off than Kenny was. That beautiful sound. That wonderful cry of life filled my ears and brought tears to my eyes. I never thought any emotion could come close to the feelings I had when I first heard Kenny cry. I was wrong. Her voice, pure emotion and fear. Pure strength, filled my heart and my soul with hope and wonder. Nothing in this world is more beautiful than that sound, and I am the luckiest person on the planet because I got to hear it twice. Our son was pissed when he came into the world, our sweet daughter seemed "pissed-er", still I was elated. I felt lifted to a higher consciencness. I am again...a mom.
Doc Chacon lifted her up so that I could see her. She looked just like Kenny did! WOW! I mean JUST like Kenny did. Jason was called to go with the Hall to take vitals and record her weight and such. I listened to her cry and closed my eyes as the crew started to piece me back together. After a few moments, Jason came over to me, holding our precious angel bundled in his arms. I reached out for her. Oh LORD, she is beautiful. She stopped crying and glared at me. Jason said, "Look, she has your pissy glare!" Chacon looked over, "She does look like you Paula, she is beautiful. Congratulations." I didn't care if they were attempting compliments or smart-assed comments. I was glued to this angel. Her eyes, crystal blue. Her face, strong and beautiful. Her nose, so petite. Her skin, so pink!
Felicia Lorraine, Born Jan 2, 8:05 am, 6lbs, 8 oz, 17 1/2 in long
I got to hold her for a moment more before Jason and Hall took her away while the surgery was finished. I longed for her. I missed her so much. My heart ached that she wasn't there with me. That is the hardest part of having a baby to me. I knew Jason was with her, but I was jealous because it wasn't me.
They brought me into recovery and I again fought this stupid procedure. I didn't want to go to sleep. I didn't want to rest, heal or recover. I want my daughter. The nurse wasn't as stupid as the nurse in charge of me when I had Kenny. She made me a deal. 20 minutes and then I would be allowed back into my room with my baby and my husband. Hmm. Ok. I didn't have the energy to fight this time like I did when I had Kenny.
After 20 minutes they wheeled me into my room. I held my daughter and fell asleep.
We celebrated the New Year like most couples with small children do. We stayed home, watched the ball drop in New York, gently gave Kenny a New Years kiss and went to bed. Exciting, huh? Gee, don't you wish you led such a glamorous life? Actually, I love my life. My kids give me purpose, love and meaning which is all you need, right?
January 1, 2007. We spend the day cleaning the house, packing our hospital bags and generally getting ready for our new arrival. In the evening, Carol showed up and we all had a light dinner. Kenny loves Carol. She gets on the floor with him and talks the baby talk and he delights in every moment.
I showed Carol my long list, "how to take care of Kenny." She simply smiled at me as if I was something to be pitied as my psychotic mommy-hood took front seat over my reason. Looking back I am thankful that she did not think I wrote it out because I didn't believe in her ability to take care of him. I am glad she knew me well enough to know that I am a bit crazy. Jason gave Kenny his bath showing Carol the procedure so that she knew what she was in for. We went over the rest of the night-night rituals and then settled in to chat before bed.
Of course, being Paula, I was starting to get that feeling that I couldn't do this. No way was I going to be able to have yet another beautiful baby pulled from a big hole in my stomach. Nope. I love being pregnant so much! Felicia seems rather satisfied with being inside my tummy, so why should we disrupt her? Carol and Jason both started to roll their eyes. Not again. Jason, "Paula, you know how this goes, we have done it before. Felicia will be fine, you will be fine, Kenny will be fine. I will be right there with you." Is that not what he said just a couple of months ago? Right before I had the pleasure of experiencing flying, walking through Seattle for miles, almost getting whip lash from a pimple faced pilot trainee? I glared at my husband, afraid to speak for I am sure that when I opened my mouth nothing nice would be said. Carol sat next to me, hugged me and said that she understood my fears and concerns. We spent about and hour or so this way. Carol and Jason ganging up on me and telling me to relax.
I knew they were right. I know that everything was set and in just a few hours we would be leaving for the hospital. Just because I knew all this doesn't mean I had to like it. I mean seriously folks! I was excited at the opportunity to see my sweet baby. I just didn't want to do it today. You know how when you start a diet you always say (while shoving choco cake in your face) that you will start on Monday. You never do, or it never lasts. That is what I felt like when it came to taking my baby from my womb. I love being pregnant. I would be pregnant forever if I could. You spend nine months falling deeper and deeper in love with the little wiggles in your belly, it just isn't that easy to give that up.
As we said our "good night's" and headed to bed, I feared that I wouldn't be able to sleep. Carol was set up in the kids' room on an air mattress. I sat next to Kenny's crib on the floor for a good two hours. I cried, I whispered to him about the new baby, how he will have to be with Carol and then Alisa before we got to come home and promised him over and over that mommy loves him dearly.
I finally headed for my own bed. Jason was half awake and tried to cuddle. I didn't want to. These were my last moments where it was just me and my baby before I had to share her with the world. I lay there quietly rubbing my belly. Just as I thought I was falling asleep I had a horrible thought. What if I don't or can't love this baby as much as I love Kenny? What if we don't connect because all my connection is with Kenny? I had worried before of hurting Kenny, but what if this sweet little baby gets hurt because mommy can't love two? I have already put Jason in the backseat behind Kenny without even thinking or realizing it!! I fell asleep with tears in my eyes. I drained my energy, my excitement and my emotions. Self-destruct-herself was back in control.
So here comes Kenny's second Christmas. The excitment was oozing off me and everyone could see it. Yes, I was nervous that in just a week I would be giving birth to my baby girl, but this was the first Christmas that Kenny would get some understanding of at least how to open a gift, how to give a gift and how to get into the spirit in general.
Leading up to the holiday I went nuts with gifts. I didn't spend an obscene amount of money, but I picked up every single cute, stupid, cheap little trinket I could find that had anything to do with being a "dad" at Christmas or being a "boy" at Christmas. As it turned out, Jason and Kenny had about 20 gifts each under the tree. While shopping, I taught Kenny how to put quarters into the Red Cross buckets, showed him how to decorate cookies to give to friends, attempted to explain to him how important it is to help and love people and drove it home by having him help me deliver the little bits of baking that I did that year. I think he got it. He was excited to see the smiles when we handed over a little plate of cookies with a bow on top. He was even more excited when just about everyone offered him a cookie after receiving the plate. It is part of my job as a mother to teach my kids the meaning of giving, so I guess it is ok that he ate like 10 cookies that day, Right?
Jason, being the man that he is, of course did not notice the increasing pile of paper wrapped boxes and gift bags under the tree. On Christmas Eve, as we were helping Santa set up Kenny's little toddler basket ball hoop and filling the stockings Jason dug under the tree to check the water. "Paula, why are there 8 gifts back here with my name on them?" I replied, "Because they are for you." He went on,"I know there are a bunch in the front with my name on them too. How many gifts did you get me?" I told him, "I only got you about seven, Kenny got you the rest." He stared at me for a long time. What did he want me to say. It is Christmas, right. You give to those you love. You share the spirit of family, home, happiness and charity. I simply chose to be very charitable. It had nothing to do with my hormones. It had nothing to do with the fact that I was so awash in the spirit of Christmas this year. I am a giving person. That is all.
Jason didn't say much more about it. We finished helping Santa and headed for bed. The next morning we all got up around 7 am and snacked on milk and cookies for breakfast while we explained to Kenny that Christmas morning was the time to open those pretty gifts. I know I know, "Cookies! For Breakfast??! What kind of mom does that??!!" Honestly, on Christmas morning, this kind of mom does that.
Christmas morning was AWESOME!! Kenny got the hang of tearing away at those gifts pretty quick. However, he was a bit disappointed when all he found in most of them was a stupid box. I was so happy just to have him stay awake. He was only 6 months old on his first Christmas, so he slept most of the time. Jason spent the morning opening cheesy gift after cheesy gift, taking the time to glare at me in between each one. I admit it now, I did go overboard, but it was fun! I love wrapping stuff anyway. Making each little thing more special by wrapping it up in pretty paper and bows brings the girl out in me.
We spent the day playing with our new toys and simply just getting in some time together before our family grew. With Christmas over, I had to turn my mind to birth of our little girl. The fears came back. The frustrations and worry came back. Still, the excitement was overwhelming. I am gonna be a mom x2!! Everything is going to be perfect. Kenny will grow up to protect his little sister. They will be best friends and will always have each other for a shoulder to lean on.
I didn't know what to do with Kenny while I was in the hospital. He isn't old enough to understand. Carol offered to take him for the first night and then my cousin Alisa offered to take him for the second night. I have never been away from Kenny overnight. Believe it or not, I spent half of the next week writing down special, detailed instructions as to how to take care of, entertain, feed, bathe, nap and dress Kenny while he was without me. Yes, it included a very specific time table for each thing. Silly Mommy. I actually wondered if he would forget about me while I was gone. My miracle boy was going to go to bed without a kiss from me. He wouldn't have me there to feed him his breakfast.
I spent more time crying and fretting about Kenny than I did about my impending C-section. At least the baby will have me there, Kenny won't. I was more upset than I should have been. Hormones? Maybe. Regardless, I spent a week breaking my own heart.
Home sweet home.
Halloween was great. We took Kenny to the Safety Street trick-or-treating in his hand made clown costume. Martha Stewart got's nothin' on me! I taught myself to sew and I love making things for the kids. Jason dressed up as himself and I went as a hormonal pregnant chick. I coached Kenny for a few days, trying to get him to say "trick-or-treat." He was doing great. Unfortunately by the time we were ready to employ his new-found vocabulary his cute litte "tik n teet" came out as a blush-producing, "dick and feet!" He was so proud of his new words that he didn't shyly whisper these words. No, he used his sweet and sometimes hair raising screaming voice. While waiting in line at the next "candy" door, Kenny would sing song "dick and feet" for all to hear. We attempted to correct him and eventually gave up. There were a few disapproving glances, one or two glares from those yuppy moms who must do everything right (HA!), but Kenny was having fun and his candy bag was quickly filling so I figured that if anyone was offended they could be the ones to leave. Unfortunately I ate most of Kenny's candy. I am a good mom, I was watching out for his sugar intake. :)
In November, Carol again put on the most wonderful baby shower for me. Not as many people came this time, but my best friend Tonya and her mom came from Sacramento. I met Tonya when we were about 4yrs old. She was standing in the middle of the sidewalk in my way, so I ran her over with my big wheel. God, I was a wonderful kid. We have been friends ever since. She didn't make Kenny's shower because she had just had her son so it would have been a little tough on her. Regardless of the lower turnout, we got a lot of great girlie things. It was great to watch Kenny interact with all the friends and family in one place. He loves attention and is the biggest flirt on this planet. Carol spent the whole time beaming with joy. I think that she wanted to have another child but was afraid since her first was premature.
We spent almost every free moment between Thanksgiving and Christmas making ready for baby. We only had a two bedroom house, but luckily since both rooms were large we were able to get two "mini" nurseries into one room. I had to have everything match. Where Kenny's side was decorated with simple teddy bears wearing sports uniforms, Felicia's side was decorated with teddy bears wearing fairy and princess dresses. We hunted around for the right white furniture to tie everything in. It was great. We even had plenty of play room on the floor for the kids as they grew.
With the preparations made, my mind slowly drifted into a panic-like state. How was I supposed to carry two kids around? What if Kenny tried to play with Felicia and hurt her. The panic grew. What if Kenny gets too jealous and hates Felicia because he thinks she gets more time with me? What if Felicia had special health concerns? What would happen to my relationship with Kenny if he thought I didn't love him as much? What if, what if, what if? I was going nuts! I have spent most of the last 8 years hammering out a "parenting plan" with myself. I would write in my journal the things I would and wouldn't do in raising my kids. While in college my major was early child development and psychology. I paid attention. I related what I learned with my own upbringing and the difference between me and my closest friends. The difference in the attitudes of my parents. I analyzed everything. I should know what I am doing. I should not be afraid, nervous or taunting myself with these stupid "what if" questions. I had a plan, damn it! What was going on with me?
It came to me in the strangest way. Kenny and Jason were both asleep and I had found that I couldn't sleep. So I grabbed the crayon box and pulled a few color books from Kenny's art shelf. I was sitting on the floor at the coffee table late that night, watching Nick at Nite programs like Happy Days or Three's Company . I was panicking because that is what most pregnant women do just before they give birth. It is a natural cycle of fear and worry. It is, I believe, a sign of a good mom. Concerned means you want to be a good mom, you care, you are human. I brought myself to the true core of my concern. It was all about my fear of failing my kids. I could handle medical problems, Hell, I have my own. I could handle fights and favoritism issues. What I was afraid of was fulfilling that need in me to show my children how much I need them. What if I couldn't do that? How do you make sure that your kids know exactly what they mean to you? Are words and hugs enough? I refuse to be that parent that tries to "buy" love and obedience. So what do I do?
It is simple actually. All I have ever had to do to show someone I "mean" it is this, Be Genuine. When you hug, dig into your heart and soul and really feel that love. It will transfer. When you say, "I love you" dig into your heart and soul and let that passionate emotion escape in your breath. It will hit the mark. The key, actively feel when you convey a feeling. NEVER do something emotional on autopilot. My panic slowly subsided, but to this day it does rear it's ugly head on occasion. If you are a mom, you know.
Just before Christmas we went to our last check-up appointment before Felicia was due. We were both healthy and fine. Doc Chacon scheduled the c-section, "Jan 2, 6am, be there at least two hours early." "I don't wanna another c-section!" The doc just looked at me. Ho Hum. I guess I have to. Fine. Whatever! BUT, "I am not going to be there two hours early just to sit on my butt and worry while I hate myself for craving a cigarette and wait for the nurse to simply stick a needle in my arm and tell me to rest for the next hour and forty-five minutes before you get your happy ass in there!" Chacon smiled. He does that a lot! It is annoying! Jason promised we would be there. I stuck my tongue out at him. Chacon wished us a Merry Christmas, tousled Kenny's hair and left. Jason glared at me. "Why do you do that?" "Do what?" I said. "Why do you have to be a smart ass all the time?" This is an easy on, "Because I am Paula, and it is my trademark." He rolled his eyes at me.
Early Early in the morning we pile into Jasons mom's truck and head to the airport in Anchorage. I spend the entire drive simply thankful that we are going to go home. Don't get me wrong. I loved the trip. Alaska is beautiful and Jason and Kenny had so much fun interacting with the family. Still, I was very thankful that I was going back to my bed, my shower, my kitchen....my home. I love to visit family and friends but as Dorothy once said, "There is no place like home."
It didn't really cross my mind to be afraid of the flight home. At least it didn't cross my mind to the point where I would stress about it. I made it to Alaska, I can make it back to Nevada. No problem.
In the parking lot we thankfully had two extra helpers to carry all our crap into the terminal. Check in. Take a quick potty break. Smoke a cigarette. Head to Security. After hugs and goodbye's we took our place in line. It took a little longer to get through security this time, but there were no issues. Kenny stayed close and soon we threw one last wave to Jason's parents and then went in search of our gate.
Gate found. We settled in, checked the time. Two hours to wait. Good Lord!! I am not doing this again. If we ever go back to Alaska we are driving!! Kenny settled in and watched tv, Jason dosed in and out next to him on the uncomfortable chairs. I walked around, went potty again and eventually made my way to the window. Looking out into almost complete darkness I tried to pass the time by watching planes come and go. Watching luggage carts come and go. Checking out the horizon. Then it started to snow. Not sweet little fluttery flakes. I mean plate sized snowballs from a God who OBVIOUSLY has a sick sense of humor!! Normally, I love snow. I love to watch it fall. I love making snowmen. I love the beauty of it. I grew up in the Sacramento valley and snow was something we had to drive to. I learned at a young age that it sucks to drive in snow. I have memories of my mother with a white-knuckled grip on the dashboard, screaming at my dad while we race down the mountain, trailer in tow, in a snowstorm that caught us by surprised while we were camping.
Remember that movie, Poltergeist? That sweet little girl looking into the television turns to her dad and says, "They're Baaaack." That is what it felt like as those wonderfully vivid fears of mine came flooding into my head. I wasn't worried about AFTER we got in the air. I am smart enough to know that you can fly above a storm. I was worried about how the hell we are going to get in the air. Hmm. Plane tires, no traction. Snow. Plane tires are small. Snow. Plane must go really really really fast to get up in the air. Snow. Cockpit windshield covered in snow. Tanker at the end of the runway. Limited Visibility. Great. Wonderful. Crazy Paula is back on the case!!
I took a deep breath and headed for Jason. I sat next to him and grabbed his arm like a vice. "It is snowing." He looked at me. "So." I thought I was going to kill this man! "What do you mean, 'so'! It is snowing out there. We aren't going to be able to leave. They are going to have to cancel the flight! They can't take off in snow!" Again, this man that I married just looked at me with those "I pity you" eyes. He glanced at the window across the way. "It isn't that bad. Besides, planes take off in this kind of weather all the time." I was speechless. I needed a cigarette and a car. I want to go home.
Over the intercom they announced they were going to board our plane a little early to try to get out ahead of the snow. Great. We are racing mother nature. We get on the plane. This time it is FULL so we scrunched into our two little seats next to the window. An obvious "outdoors man" sat in the aisle seat. He was nice, but didn't seem to want to converse much. A rude male attendant walked the aisle to make sure everything was set. This was going a little quicker than last time. They went through the safety stuff as the plane backed out. Then the plane stopped. Then the plane went forward again. I grabbed Jason. "What are we doing now?" He looked around then glanced out the window. "Don't worry, they are just de-icing the plane." De-icing. That means there is ice on the plane. "How do they make sure that ice won't reform on the plane?" Jason says, "Oh, it will reform it just won't be as thick. Don't worry, honey. It will be fine. This goes on everyday." NOT WITH ME ON BOARD!!
We started moving again. The attendants went to their seats, the captain made his announcement and we headed to the line for take off. We sat on the runway for about 20 minutes behind other planes that were taking off. As we gained speed I chanted, "go go go go" in my head. Silly huh. Jeez I was stressed out. We got off the ground just as we had done on dry pavement. As we climbed I relaxed. The rest of the flight to Seattle was peaceful. I think I even slept for a moment or two.
Landing in Seattle was great. We only had a 40 minute layover so this is going to be easy. We got off the plane, hit the bathrooms, changed Kenny's diaper, grabbed a soda and searched for our next gate. We couldn't find it. After asking an employee, we learned that the gate for the connecting flight to Reno was in a different arm of the terminal. Ok. She showed us a little map. HOLY COW! It may as well have been in Australia!! The Seattle terminal looked like some deranged octopus with arms all over the place. We were in "arm" D. We had to get to the very end of "arm" C. She told us it would take us about 15 minutes to walk there. WHAT! The plane was due to take off in 20 minutes from now. CRAP! We grabbed our stuff, our son and started to power walk towards the gate. I am huffing and puffing. Jason has everything but my purse and Kenny. My pregnant butt was lugging my 8 pound purse and my 28 pound son!! We passed stores and malls and full sized steak houses!! I couldn't hold my tongue. As we jogged UP a little incline I screamed at the back of Jason's head, "Don't these people know this is a fucking airport? Who goes shopping at the stupid airport?!!" I got dirty looks for my potty mouth. Guess what. I didn't care. You need mass transit to get around that stupid place.
Kenny bobbed up and down on my hip, giggling. Enjoying the ride. Finally, we come around a corner and found our gate. We check in and were informed that the plane was delayed and we would be taking off about an hour or an hour and a half late. My jaw dropped to the floor. Jason took that as a sign that I was going to explode, so he dropped what he was carrying and gathered me and Kenny into a big hug. I don't know if he was trying to calm me or prevent me from killing the chick at the counter. I couldn't breathe. My hip hurt. Felicia was playing hopscotch on my kidneys. I am tired. I am sweaty. I am hungry. I wanna go home!!
We found a quiet corner to ourselves. I pulled out a baby blanket and sat on the floor with Kenny. Lucky, super-prepared mom that I am I had packed a few toys for Kenny to play with. Jason left in search of food. All he found was a fruit smoothie (that was gross) and a few bagels. All the other little food spots were either closed or too full of people to get anything. I had Jason stay with Kenny and I went in search of a vending machine. I found a drink machine and bought a water bottle. The bagels were stale. My back was aching like crazy and Felicia wanted potatoes. I asked Jason if we could turn our tickets in and get a rental car. I don't care if we have to drive for two days. I WANT OUT OF THE AIRPORT! He just gave me a goofy look. "Be patient. The flight is not quite an hour long. Just get on the plane and we will soon be home." Fine.
After what seemed like forever, we boarded the plane. Again it was full. This time a college aged girl sat next to us in the aisle seat. Up in the air. I was fine. Within a few minutes the girl started looking green, then blue, orange, purple and white. I asked her if she was ok. She jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Wonderful. Air sick chick, a baby, a pregnant nutcase and poor Jason in the middle. During the short flight she made a total of 5 trips to the bathroom. Every time she returned she looked worse. I focused out the window. It was a beautiful view. I could tell by the terrain that we were over northern Nevada. It was awesome! The pilot announced that we were going to be preparing to land. We put our trays back, packed our stuff, seat belts on. I am ready! One more landing. No problem. I didn't even think about the tankers, the tires, or anything else that could go wrong. I was simply excited that within the next half hour I will be smoking a cigarette and walking to MY truck!!
As we started to descend Jason noticed my lightened mood. He asked about making the trip again. I told him maybe, with conditions. No connecting flights. No pregnancy. Kenny gets his own seat so we don't have "company." No Seattle, ever ever ever ever ever again. He smiled and we both relaxed. Jason was happy that I had settled down and even happier that I was open to another trip.
The landing gear was down. I actually heard it lock in. Good. Almost there. Thank God. The tires hit the pavement. I expected us to slow quickly, like all the other landings. Nope, we were going fast! Fast enough that I heard other people on the plane making comments about it. I looked at Jason. He gave me a weak smile and held my hand. Then the pilot slammed SLAMMED on the brakes. I was thrown forward enough that my head hit the back of the seat in front of me. Can you believe my "mom" arm went out! As I was thrown forward, holding my stomach with my left hand, my right arm went across Kenny and Jason. A few people screamed!! I heard a guy yell profanities. I imagined the plane stopped balanced on it's nose!! We stopped so hard I almost threw up! I was instantly worried about Felicia. Then she started kicking. She probably enjoyed it! I could see little drifts of smoke come from under the plane. I imagined the tires being stripped of their rubber. What the hell was that!?!
Right after the plane stopped our poor air sick college student flew from her seat down the aisle. An attendant quickly followed her. We didn't see her again. I hope she is ok. A man on the other side of the aisle was telling his wife not to worry. He said that frequently during nice weather they let trainer pilots land the plane. No big deal. NO BIG DEAL? Are you kidding me? I can just see him now. Some pimply faced kid playing air ranger with a damn 747!!
As we gathered our gear and headed for the exit I couldn't help myself. As we passed the cockpit my mouth went off again. "So they let some inexperienced little brat land the plane, are they going to let him deliver this baby too. He almost threw me into labor!" Yep, I said it very loudly. Yep, it was probably not a nice thing to do. Yep, I got a snotty look from the rude male attendant. Nope, I didn't care.
Soon we had our stuff and we made the voyage to the truck. Over the river and through the woods, as they say. Jason put Kenny's seat in the truck, locked him in. We left the doors open to air it out while Jason packed the luggage and I had a much deserved cigarette.
My feet are now on the ground. I emerged safely from the plane, feeling good about how I handled it and again I am in control of my own fate.
Jason's mom carries Kenny, Jason grabs the bags and car seat, I have the carry-ons and yes, another smoke as we walk to the parking garage to pile into the truck. Kenny is so excited! He has had a major adventure and in his eyes, it looks like there is more to come. Jason is happy that he is in his home state and babbles on and off as we are heading out of Anchorage towards Wasilla. I am gritting my teeth as again I lose control over my destiny. You see, I am not driving. It isn't that I don't trust other people behind the wheel, I just don't trust other people behind the wheel when my son and I are in the car. This is something that has plagued my existence since I started driving at 16. Yep, I got some major issues.
I try to focus on the scenery as Jason points out things here and there. Alaska is truly a beautiful place. We saw a moose climbing the hill off the side of the highway. That was cool. The only moose I ever saw before was behind bars in the zoo. We talk about the tsunami that hit years and years ago and Jason points out the evidence of that. Cool again. Passing through Wasilla I see a sweet growing town with beautiful mountains in the background and start to ponder what it would be like to live here.
We arrive at the house, unpack our gear from the truck, head upstairs and settle in to our room. After a quick sand which I put Kenny down for a nap. He fell asleep quickly. This angel boy has had so much excitement in the last few hours I was surprised he had stayed awake as long as he had. I go downstairs, check in with Jason then head out for a smoke. When I got back I went straight upstairs and took a little nap myself. I too have had enough excitement for the day.
Our week in Alaska was nice. Nothing too exciting happened. We visited with Jason's brother, drove around town, shopped for trinkets, ate at the cutest little diner and simply relaxed. I was hoping to get out and see more sights, really get a feel for community and the state in general, but we stayed close to the house and honestly, that kinda bummed me out. I didn't expect for the family to bend over backwards to convince us to move here, but I was hoping to at least absorb some info, maybe get to check off the good and bad and how they fit into my criteria for choosing a place to move to: opportunities for the kids, fun for the family, etc etc.
Kenny and Daddy walking up
the drive to me-ma and me-pa's
house.
Jason and I took every moment alone to discuss some of the pros and cons that came up. The weirdest thing for me was trying to get used to the daylight, or lack of. Alaska is only an hour behind Nevada, still it was strange to wake up at 7 am and find that the sun didn't rise until 10 or 10:30. Not to mention that the Sunday before we left was daylight savings. Talk about screwing up that internal clock!!
We had fun for the most part. The nieces and nephews enjoyed playing together. Kenny loved all the attention rained upon him. Jason liked being home and with the family. I spent a lot of time outside thinking. I feel guilty about it now. I should have enjoyed the moment more, but my brain was in "save the children" mode. I couldn't stop analyzing, wondering, planning, making mental notes of this and that. I was bored sitting around the house. I wanted to experience more not just talk about the fishing and camping promises of the summer months.
Jason and I were getting nowhere in our discussions. Neither of us were sure this was the place that would fulfill our goals. We decided to wait to talk about it when we got home. Instead, the talks turned to the upcoming plane ride. Here we go again. Me on a plane. Somehow though, I didn't get so worked up. I handled the ride here, right? No body got hurt. I didn't really "sound" off in my usual smart ass manner to anyone. The trip home should be a breeze.
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