Happy New Year

We celebrated the New Year like most couples with small children do. We stayed home, watched the ball drop in New York, gently gave Kenny a New Years kiss and went to bed. Exciting, huh? Gee, don't you wish you led such a glamorous life? Actually, I love my life. My kids give me purpose, love and meaning which is all you need, right?

January 1, 2007. We spend the day cleaning the house, packing our hospital bags and generally getting ready for our new arrival. In the evening, Carol showed up and we all had a light dinner. Kenny loves Carol. She gets on the floor with him and talks the baby talk and he delights in every moment.

I showed Carol my long list, "how to take care of Kenny." She simply smiled at me as if I was something to be pitied as my psychotic mommy-hood took front seat over my reason. Looking back I am thankful that she did not think I wrote it out because I didn't believe in her ability to take care of him. I am glad she knew me well enough to know that I am a bit crazy. Jason gave Kenny his bath showing Carol the procedure so that she knew what she was in for. We went over the rest of the night-night rituals and then settled in to chat before bed.

Of course, being Paula, I was starting to get that feeling that I couldn't do this. No way was I going to be able to have yet another beautiful baby pulled from a big hole in my stomach. Nope. I love being pregnant so much! Felicia seems rather satisfied with being inside my tummy, so why should we disrupt her? Carol and Jason both started to roll their eyes. Not again. Jason, "Paula, you know how this goes, we have done it before. Felicia will be fine, you will be fine, Kenny will be fine. I will be right there with you." Is that not what he said just a couple of months ago? Right before I had the pleasure of experiencing flying, walking through Seattle for miles, almost getting whip lash from a pimple faced pilot trainee? I glared at my husband, afraid to speak for I am sure that when I opened my mouth nothing nice would be said. Carol sat next to me, hugged me and said that she understood my fears and concerns. We spent about and hour or so this way. Carol and Jason ganging up on me and telling me to relax.

I knew they were right. I know that everything was set and in just a few hours we would be leaving for the hospital. Just because I knew all this doesn't mean I had to like it. I mean seriously folks! I was excited at the opportunity to see my sweet baby. I just didn't want to do it today. You know how when you start a diet you always say (while shoving choco cake in your face) that you will start on Monday. You never do, or it never lasts. That is what I felt like when it came to taking my baby from my womb. I love being pregnant. I would be pregnant forever if I could. You spend nine months falling deeper and deeper in love with the little wiggles in your belly, it just isn't that easy to give that up.

As we said our "good night's" and headed to bed, I feared that I wouldn't be able to sleep. Carol was set up in the kids' room on an air mattress. I sat next to Kenny's crib on the floor for a good two hours. I cried, I whispered to him about the new baby, how he will have to be with Carol and then Alisa before we got to come home and promised him over and over that mommy loves him dearly.

I finally headed for my own bed. Jason was half awake and tried to cuddle. I didn't want to. These were my last moments where it was just me and my baby before I had to share her with the world. I lay there quietly rubbing my belly. Just as I thought I was falling asleep I had a horrible thought. What if I don't or can't love this baby as much as I love Kenny? What if we don't connect because all my connection is with Kenny? I had worried before of hurting Kenny, but what if this sweet little baby gets hurt because mommy can't love two? I have already put Jason in the backseat behind Kenny without even thinking or realizing it!! I fell asleep with tears in my eyes. I drained my energy, my excitement and my emotions. Self-destruct-herself was back in control.