Home on the Range

Home sweet home.

Halloween was great. We took Kenny to the Safety Street trick-or-treating in his hand made clown costume. Martha Stewart got's nothin' on me! I taught myself to sew and I love making things for the kids. Jason dressed up as himself and I went as a hormonal pregnant chick. I coached Kenny for a few days, trying to get him to say "trick-or-treat." He was doing great. Unfortunately by the time we were ready to employ his new-found vocabulary his cute litte "tik n teet" came out as a blush-producing, "dick and feet!" He was so proud of his new words that he didn't shyly whisper these words. No, he used his sweet and sometimes hair raising screaming voice. While waiting in line at the next "candy" door, Kenny would sing song "dick and feet" for all to hear. We attempted to correct him and eventually gave up. There were a few disapproving glances, one or two glares from those yuppy moms who must do everything right (HA!), but Kenny was having fun and his candy bag was quickly filling so I figured that if anyone was offended they could be the ones to leave. Unfortunately I ate most of Kenny's candy. I am a good mom, I was watching out for his sugar intake. :)

In November, Carol again put on the most wonderful baby shower for me. Not as many people came this time, but my best friend Tonya and her mom came from Sacramento. I met Tonya when we were about 4yrs old. She was standing in the middle of the sidewalk in my way, so I ran her over with my big wheel. God, I was a wonderful kid. We have been friends ever since. She didn't make Kenny's shower because she had just had her son so it would have been a little tough on her. Regardless of the lower turnout, we got a lot of great girlie things. It was great to watch Kenny interact with all the friends and family in one place. He loves attention and is the biggest flirt on this planet. Carol spent the whole time beaming with joy. I think that she wanted to have another child but was afraid since her first was premature.

We spent almost every free moment between Thanksgiving and Christmas making ready for baby. We only had a two bedroom house, but luckily since both rooms were large we were able to get two "mini" nurseries into one room. I had to have everything match. Where Kenny's side was decorated with simple teddy bears wearing sports uniforms, Felicia's side was decorated with teddy bears wearing fairy and princess dresses. We hunted around for the right white furniture to tie everything in. It was great. We even had plenty of play room on the floor for the kids as they grew.

With the preparations made, my mind slowly drifted into a panic-like state. How was I supposed to carry two kids around? What if Kenny tried to play with Felicia and hurt her. The panic grew. What if Kenny gets too jealous and hates Felicia because he thinks she gets more time with me? What if Felicia had special health concerns? What would happen to my relationship with Kenny if he thought I didn't love him as much? What if, what if, what if? I was going nuts! I have spent most of the last 8 years hammering out a "parenting plan" with myself. I would write in my journal the things I would and wouldn't do in raising my kids. While in college my major was early child development and psychology. I paid attention. I related what I learned with my own upbringing and the difference between me and my closest friends. The difference in the attitudes of my parents. I analyzed everything. I should know what I am doing. I should not be afraid, nervous or taunting myself with these stupid "what if" questions. I had a plan, damn it! What was going on with me?

It came to me in the strangest way. Kenny and Jason were both asleep and I had found that I couldn't sleep. So I grabbed the crayon box and pulled a few color books from Kenny's art shelf. I was sitting on the floor at the coffee table late that night, watching Nick at Nite programs like Happy Days or Three's Company . I was panicking because that is what most pregnant women do just before they give birth. It is a natural cycle of fear and worry. It is, I believe, a sign of a good mom. Concerned means you want to be a good mom, you care, you are human. I brought myself to the true core of my concern. It was all about my fear of failing my kids. I could handle medical problems, Hell, I have my own. I could handle fights and favoritism issues. What I was afraid of was fulfilling that need in me to show my children how much I need them. What if I couldn't do that? How do you make sure that your kids know exactly what they mean to you? Are words and hugs enough? I refuse to be that parent that tries to "buy" love and obedience. So what do I do?

It is simple actually. All I have ever had to do to show someone I "mean" it is this, Be Genuine. When you hug, dig into your heart and soul and really feel that love. It will transfer. When you say, "I love you" dig into your heart and soul and let that passionate emotion escape in your breath. It will hit the mark. The key, actively feel when you convey a feeling. NEVER do something emotional on autopilot. My panic slowly subsided, but to this day it does rear it's ugly head on occasion. If you are a mom, you know.

Just before Christmas we went to our last check-up appointment before Felicia was due. We were both healthy and fine. Doc Chacon scheduled the c-section, "Jan 2, 6am, be there at least two hours early." "I don't wanna another c-section!" The doc just looked at me. Ho Hum. I guess I have to. Fine. Whatever! BUT, "I am not going to be there two hours early just to sit on my butt and worry while I hate myself for craving a cigarette and wait for the nurse to simply stick a needle in my arm and tell me to rest for the next hour and forty-five minutes before you get your happy ass in there!" Chacon smiled. He does that a lot! It is annoying! Jason promised we would be there. I stuck my tongue out at him. Chacon wished us a Merry Christmas, tousled Kenny's hair and left. Jason glared at me. "Why do you do that?" "Do what?" I said. "Why do you have to be a smart ass all the time?" This is an easy on, "Because I am Paula, and it is my trademark." He rolled his eyes at me.