The rest of the Week

My beautiful kids enjoyed their time with my parents. Kenny especially liked my mom since she made him food and gave him such wonderful treats. Felicia enjoyed the fact that her Nana wasn't as "anal" as mommy when it came to tasting new foods.

My parents enjoyed the time as well. Let's face it. My kids have spirit and spunk. It is impossible not to love them! During our little visit there were several times when we found the newspaper opened to the "help wanted" section and conveniently left on the table. There were discussions too. How would we all make the transition if we did move closer? What type of job would Jason want? Where would we want to live? It had been 10 years since I lived less than 5 hours from my parents, if we did move closer there would definitely be a change in everyone's lives.

As I mentioned earlier, we did go to Bandon to watch the fireworks show that the local fire dept launches over the mouth of the river. We found a spot near the lighthouse and set up our little "day camp" spot around 2 p.m. Felicia had a ball!! So much action, so much outside time. She loved it. She was passed around from one relative to another and gleefully accepted any attention she could get. Kenny spent the day running around with his cousins. I chased him around with the camera and never got a good clear shot!! He is a fast little bugger.
We BBQ'd up some food and had a wonderful afternoon. As the sun began to set, we explained to Kenny what was coming. He didn't understand what fireworks were, but we did our best and persuaded him to sit in his new camp chair and watch the sky. As the show began Felicia fell asleep in my arms. Of course. That is what babies do. Kenny, well he was a little scared at first but that only lasted about 20 seconds. He heard us "oohing" and "aahing" and he quickly joined in. After a rather large rocket hit the sky painting everything in blue light, Kenny started kicking and clapping so hard he fell out of his chair! The whole time he was giggling and screaming with delight. It was wonderful. I told myself at that moment that my kids will never miss a 4th of July celebration ever again.
Two days later we celebrated Kenny turning 2! My mom made him a cake and we BBQ'd again. Just to let ya know, BBQ and my family are in the same category as grass and green. Anyway, Kenny relished in the attention of his "day." He ran around hugging everyone! We opened presents out on the grass (in Nev it would be too hot right now to be outside) and my good little boy said "thank you" after every gift!! We sang "Happy Birthday to You" and watched as he spit all over the cake trying to blow out the candles. All the kids loved the cake and ice cream. Felicia got a
little dollop of frosting (aah! sugar!) and "mmm'd" her way through licking it from her fingers. Auntie Coco became really popular after that!

Only one day more and we were to pack up and head home. NO NO NO. I don't wanna!! Half of Nevada was on fire that summer and I knew that going home would suck. Let's not mention that here in Oregon it was a comfortable 80 degrees with a light sea breeze, while in Nevada it was hanging around 98 degrees with no air moving anywhere. I was not looking forward to the long, hot drive home. Weird huh? I love having my own house...my own bed....my own kitchen etc. Still, I simply didn't find it an appealing thought to sit in a closed up house all summer. None of us do well in the heat. My psoriasis screams and my kids are just too fair skinned. Jason, being from Alaska starts to get really pissy when the thermometer hits 75 degrees let alone 90!

Looking back over the week and the joy it was obvious where my little family belonged. We had to be happy. My kids have to be happy. They deserve to play outside!

Three Years Too Long!!

We headed to the beach almost everyday during our visit to Oregon. During the first visit I started to tear up as soon as I could smell that ocean breeze. Call me crazy. Actually, if you have been reading along so far, you know I am crazy. The kids didn't understand mommy's emotions. They were confused and Kenny kept running to me and giving me hugs.

We hit the beach with force! Well, ok...we parked the truck and started to hike through heavy sand to the beach and actually had to force ourselves not to fall over in our tracks. The only one that wasn't huffing and puffing was Kenny. Jason carried Felicia in the babypack, I carried the blankets and snacks, my sister carried her stuff and we finally made it with red faces and tired legs. We chose a spot to lay our blankets down. We were about 50 ft from the water. Kenny sat in the sand and started to giggle as he buried his legs. I didn't notice when he had got up. I was trying to position Felicia's sunhat on her head.

I thought that Kenny would be afraid of the water. The sound of those waves crashing to shore should be scary to a little critter like Kenny. He wouldn't go near it unless mommy or daddy was there to show him it wasn't scary. Right? Wrong! He saw that beautiful blue water foaming as it hit the sand and he took off like a rocket! My sister and I both said "Shit, get Kenny" at the same time. We both dropped what we were holding and dashed after him. I caught his arm just as a wave knocked him on his butt, pulling him out of my hand. His whole little body was underwater!! I grabbed his arm and pulled him up. He was LAUGHING! Yep, my husband had the mind to take a picture!! MEN!

I couldn't believe it.

That just goes to show you what "mommy adrenaline" can do! Here I was, wiped out from
walking down the path from the truck. Overweight. A smoker. Psoratic arthritis in just about every joint. Still, I dashed down that beach like I was in an Iron Man competition. Insane!

We spent the rest of the day trying to teach Kenny respect for the water and trying to keep Felicia safe from the sun. She thought it funny to have the wind in her face, but she freaked if the sun got anywhere near her.

I was so happy to be back at the beach. Three years is a long time for someone who seems so connected with the peace and beauty of land at the edge of the water. Yup, I am nuts. I guess it stems from all the camping trips we went on when I was a kid. We would go crabbing, clamming and every Thanksgiving the whole family would meet at Dillons Beach in California to celebrate with lots of food and fun. It was nice. No, it was wonderful.


I knew after today that I couldn't give up the coast. I couldn't give it up at all. Alaska is beautiful. Jason's parents are wonderful and generous, but this is where I belonged. If I couldn't live on the beach I had to at least be close enough for a day trip. I didn't know how to explain this to Jason, but I think he knew already what was in my heart. I didn't even want to go back to the truck. Honestly, if it wasn't for my little angels needing food and sleep, I would have built a little lean-to and lived right there forever.

After a few hours we headed back to mom's house. It is about a 40 minute drive. Yes, I teared up again when I turned the corner and lost sight of the water. I rolled down my window and sniffed until my nose hurt! Jason looked at me like I was crazy, but he smiled. He asked me if there was any chance we would still choose to move to Alaska. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Hell No." He mentioned, "You know it will be difficult for me to get a nerd job on the coast. We would have to live inland." I replied, "As long as I am close enough to take a day trip to the beach I don't care where we live." Jason said, "We still need to weigh all the options. Think about what a move would mean. A new job, etc." I agreed to think about it, but I guess it was a lie. From that point on I wanted nothing more than to feel that sand between my toes again. I left the thinking to Jason. I was just going to let myself feel.

Getting to Oregon

When you pack for a road trip you try to figure in all possible situations that could arise during the journey. Having to pack for a road trip with a 6 month old and an almost 2 year old, not to mention for yourself and your husband can prove a daunting task. To pack for a loooonnnnggg road trip there are some feelings of stress and fear...for me I felt hope. I love to drive. I love to explore and since I had been pregnant for two years I haven't left the house for much of anything in a long while.

In my truck we stuff suitcases, bathroom cases, toys, the high chair, the co-sleeper, the playpen, the walker, pillows, an ice chest, baby monitor, diapers to last a month, wipes to last a month, a bag of bottles and sippy cups, baby bath tub, extra blankets and a large box of foods. The box contained 2 large cans of formula, baby food, crackers, Rice Krispies, Cheerios, fruity cereal bars, graham crackers, cookies, bananas, dish soap and a bottle brush, chips, baby spoons and plates, a Ziploc bag half filled with soapy water and a wash cloth, another bag half filled with plain water and a wash cloth, three hand towels, napkins and a bunch of chocolate for my husband's seriously scary sweet tooth.

Am I prepared or what? Honestly, I grew up taking lots of road trips to camping, fishing or just for the hell of it with my parents so I pretty much always go with being a good scout. It must have worked because the 9 hour drive to Oregon was nice, relaxed and pretty much ahead of schedule. I had drawn up a "stop every two hour" plan so that the walkers among us could stretch and sweet Felicia could get a little rolling around time. All in all it was great. The weather was wonderful, the traffic wasn't bad (it would be another three days for the 4th of July traffic to hit the road) and we made it all in one piece.

When we drove up to my mom and dad's house we were excited and tired. Kenny had only seen them a few times before and Felicia had never met them. There were hugs, kisses and awes. My sister and brother were both there with their broods and both my kids got overwhelmed quite quickly. So much was going on! My poor little angels rarely see such excitement.

My sis and bro headed out and things got to be a little more peaceful. Felicia flirted with my dad and Kenny followed my mom around the kitchen begging for any food she could muster up. With the kids relaxed Jason and I unloaded the truck and set up the spare room for our family. The co-sleeper was made up and set by the bed, the playpen was set up for Kenny and we commandeered the upstairs bathroom for our use.

The first night was fun, a little hectic with all the visitors and such, but nice. We got the kids to bath and bed and then we went downstairs with the monitor and chatted with my mom until late into the night.

I couldn't wait for the next day. I had told my sister that I wanted to go to the beach and asked if her crew wanted to join us. So it was set. To the beach.....

Happy St Patrick's Day

I want to take a break from our story to wish everyone a
Wonderful and Happy St Patty's Day.

Kisses, hugs and good cheer!!

Love,
The McMillen Family

Now What?

Here are few pictures of Felicia's first 5 months. Sorry, I didn't get a chance to catch on film the "mom moment" but I am sure that you can simply imagine for yourself how that went.

My angels bonded early. Sure there was a bit of concern on Kenny's part having to share Mommy, but it wasn't too bad. He took pride in his little sister, besides when we left for errands, "Sissy" was a great "babe magnet" and Kenny loves the babes!

We had a wonderful Spring. Kenny went Easter Egg hunting at the local park with Daddy, while Felicia and I visited the Easter Bunny and chatted with other new moms who were enjoying the beautiful day. It was a short and sweet since I wanted to keep the kids on schedule, but it was fun. That night we went out to dinner and the kids, well rested were perfect little Spring Lambs and just about all the attention at the restaurant was focused at one point or another on them.

Felicia is a quick little learner. She knows exactly how to put her "cuteness" to good use and for her advantage.

She loves the camera.

Around the end of May, after getting the critters to bed, Jason and I flop simultaneously on the couch and start to chat. We needed to make a decision.


First, we attempted to sort out our reasons to move. It wasn't easy even thinking about it. This little house is the home where my kids were conceived and so far raised. It is our home. It is small, and there isn't enough space for two kids and two adults, not to mention two cats and a dog, but it is still our home.

We want to live close to at least one set of grandparents. It really wasn't that important which side we chose, what was important was where we lived. The environment, the schools, the opportunities, etc.

I asked Jason about work. He groaned as usual and informed me that working for the state seemed futile. His good ideas were either ignored or stolen and he didn't see how he could move up in his field if he stayed. I knew he wasn't happy. He loves being a nerd and lately he didn't seem to love it so much.

Jason asked about me. I told him I love Nevada, but the weather being either extreme hot or extreme cold not to mention all the time extreme dry was havoc on my skin. The dermatologist I had been seeing told me that I may find life in a more humid environment more comfortable.

We continued talking about this and that for an hour or so. I think that both of us were tottering on the fence not knowing what to do. Now what? What is best for our kids? We have pros and cons. We have belief and hope. Now What?

Jason brought up a trip to Oregon. I grabbed the calendar to see what would be the best way to utilize his time off in accordance to any upcoming holidays. The Fourth of July looked the best.

The next morning I called my mom. She was excited. Mom and Dad had yet to meet Felicia. I explained to her that we wanted to come up for the Fourth of July but that would also mean we celebrate Kenny's birthday while visiting too. I only had one condition. I have not had a chance to see fireworks for Independance Day since we left Oregon. Three years!! Nevada is too dry and fireworks are illegal. Kenny has never ever seen them. I wanted Mom's gauruntee that we would be able to go to the beach and watch the fireworks show at the lighthouse that is put on by the sweet little coastal town of Bandon. She agreed. It was a date.

That night Jason and I made a plan. He put in for the time off at work and we wrote up a little itenerary for the trip, not to mention a budget. Now we just have to wait a month. Truthfully, I was beside myself with excitement. I missed the ocean so much. I am a beach bum at heart!! I had not seen that beauty for three years!!

The Mom Moment

I could spend a lifetime being pregnant. Another lifetime soaking up all that sweet love of the first three months. Another just watching my angels try to roll over for the first time. No amount of drool, spit up, fussing, burping, raw nipples, dirty diapers, late nights, back aches, runny noses or any other "unpleasant" motherhood thing would ever taint that beauty which is only found in the pure eyes of an innocent child.

Felicia grew quickly. She was eating that lovely runny rice cereal at about 3 1/2 months. At about 4 months old I started feeding her more solid cereal and introduced vegetables. This kicked her palate into overdrive. She wanted to eat all the time. I guess flavor does that to you. I stopped breast feeding her just shy of her 5 month mark. I had to. She was eating me alive! She went to formula and was now munching down every new vegetable I introduced with joy and passion.

The mothers among us know that every little change in a baby's life will be evident in the diaper. There is no better gauge of health or illness on this planet. While eating nothing but "boob" Felicia's diaper contained that cute seedy-mustard-y poo. When she started the rice cereal we found the occasional chunky-mustard-y poo. As the vegetables were introduced the poo took on the consistency of paste. Add the formula and you find, Toxic Paste. These diapers scared me. I took her to the doctor. I explained how her food has changed over the last few months. I explained that these toxic diapers had a "fouler" smell than I remember Kenny having.

Doc Hall said that it was normal. Some children digest things differently. She was healthy and happy and according to his experience she will just be one of those who digests vegetables with a more "gassy" result than others. He asked me, "do you get gassy when you eat green veggies?" I do. Ok. I get it. She will digest her veggies like me. I took a deep breath and told myself all will be well. When her diet includes fruits and meats, it will get better.

Now for the Mom Moment.

One wonderful Spring day, I made lunch. Kenny got a ham and cheese quesadilla, banana and some left over steamed carrots. Felicia was devouring a jar of yams and a half jar of spinach left over from the day before. It was a great time. We sat at the table, Felicia in her high chair, Kenny in his booster seat.

Kenny finished his food, drank his juice and started to wiggle. I wiped his hands, face and shirt and let him down. I wiped down Felicia, took off her bib and as I picked her up I noticed that tell-tale smell of a diaper change. We headed for the changing spot in the living room. I had a basket of diapers and wipes that I kept under the side table on the floor. It was a great system. Simply sit on the floor, spread the blanket, lay the baby, pull out the basket and everything was at your fingertips, organized and ready to go. I pulled off her diaper, wiped up the dark green, peanut butter textured, "call haz-mat" kind of toxic poo from her little rear end.

I heard a whine, looked up and saw Kenny coming from the dining room with a panic look on his face. As he got closer I noticed a strange drool coming from the corner of his mouth. As I reached for him he threw up all over me, Felicia and himself. I went into auto pilot. I grabbed a burp cloth (also in my organized-mommy basket) quickly wiped the bulk of half digested lunch from Felicia's legs and tummy, jumped off the floor, grabbed Kenny and ran to the kitchen. In front of the sink I stripped the clothes from his body, stripped myself down to just my underwear and tossed all into the corner of the kitchen. I picked Kenny up and sat him at the edge of the sink. I talked to him gently as he bent over vomiting again and crying in pain. I couldn't understand what was wrong! Did I give him bad food? His puke was horrible. Banana, cheese, tortilla shell, carrots and a small amount of some strange black-looking goo mixed in. I wiped him down. What the hell!!??!!

I finished cleaning him up, gave him a sip of water and he was back to normal. After putting a new diaper on him, I sat him on the couch with a book and focused on cleaning up Felicia. I took her to the sink, gave her a little impromptu bath (luckily there was only puke from her belly down), and put a fresh diaper and shirt on her. I dropped her into her bouncy seat and buckled her in. I threw myself into cleaning up the mess. I wanted my tranquil morning back.

I started from the changing area and worked my way back cleaning up puke as I went. I picked up the clothes, rinsed them out and set them in the laundry room. I cleaned the floor. I started to worry that Kenny had gotten hold of something really bad. Panic was setting in. I needed to find the source.

With the sink and kitchen floor clean, the changing area cleaned, I started working on cleaning up lunch. I wiped the table down. This whole time worry and panic setting in deeper and deeper. What caused this!? So bad was my stress, I didn't realize that I was going through all these motions naked except for my underwear. I checked on Kenny frequently. He seemed fine. The last thing to do was clean Felicia's high chair. When I pulled off the tray, I found the evil cause. A toxic poo smeared Kenny-sized hand print was on the seat.

Kenny ate Felicia's POOP!! Oh My GOD!! I didn't even notice that some had escaped the diaper. Usually when there is an overflow you will find poo running down the baby's leg. This was not the case. In fact while changing her diaper I remember thinking how lucky I was to catch it now because it looked like the diaper was at capacity. I was in fact proud of my nose in alerting me as to avoid the dreaded overflow. That black drool and the dark goo mixed in his puke was POOP!!! Toxic yucky Felicia Poop!!!

I wiped the mess and grabbed the phone. I called poison control. I explained to the lady that Felicia had very smelly "veggie poop" and that my 23 month old son ate some. She asked me if he vomited. "Yes."
"Did he empty his stomach?"
"I think so."
"Ok, give him some water. He should be fine. It doesn't sound like he digested any of it. Since it was baby feces and the baby is only eating vegetables, there is little risk of bacteria. If he vomits again then take him to the doctor."
I thanked her and hung up the phone.

I felt the panic start to ease. Kenny walked into the dining room and headed for the high chair. He saw that I had cleaned up the contents left in the chair by his sister. I asked him if he was ok. He pointed to the high chair seat and said, "Eat More!"
I had no choice. I sat splat on the kitchen floor in nothing but my underwear and laughed my ass off. I didn't realize that I was still undressed until Kenny walked up to me, sat in my lap, poked my chest and said, "boob."

All that I could do was laugh some more. The kids joined me. At least I know I can handle a crisis. Ha Ha ...

Going Home

Early morning on the 3rd of January, Jason, Felicia and I were walking the halls trying to get my strength up, not to mention trying to curb some of the cabin fever-like feelings I was starting to get being stuck in that room. While walking by the nurses station I overheard someone talking about how small the preemie baby girl was that was delivered late the night before. Apparently the mom went into labor and delivered just fine, but the baby was about 3 weeks early. I started to cry. How frightening it must be for her. I didn't even want to imagine how horribly afraid that poor mother must be...how she must think she did something wrong. I asked the nurse if the mother and baby were still at this hospital or if they were to be transferred to Reno. She said that they were staying here, so far, unless complications present themselves.

When we got back to our room, I called Carol. I told her that in Felicia's dresser there is a little preemie outfit that someone sent for Christmas. I asked her to bring it in when she brings Kenny by. She told me she would.

I remember opening that gift Christmas morning. I was actually hurt by the notion of receiving a "preemie" sized outfit for the baby. Was it to be expected that this overweight, unhealthy, horrible person couldn't possibly carry this baby full term? What kind of person thought of me like that!!!?? Now I wonder if maybe it was meant to be.

Carol and Kenny arrived. Kenny was super excited to see us again. He was more interested in his sister because she was a little more aware. She was laying on the bed in front of me looking around. When she and Kenny made eye contact, they stared at each other for a long time. Kenny giggled! Felicia made weird noises and farted a lot. I just grinned and grinned with tears rolling off my face while I watched. I want these two to love and know and rely on each other forever. This is the first sign that my dream may be realized.

Around two, Carol headed home. She had to go back to taking care of her family. After a few quick "coos" at Felicia and a big sloppy kiss and hug from Kenny she told me she would call me tomorrow and headed out the door. Our little family was all in one room. I gave Felicia to Jason and held Kenny for a while. We talked about his new sister and all the fun we were going to have when Mommy got better. Soon it was time for Jason to take Kenny to my cousin's house for the night. They left.

I wiggled out of bed, grabbed Felicia and the preemie outfit and went for a little walk. I made it to the nurses station a little faster than earlier in the day. I was getting better. Feeling stronger. I asked the nurse if she would please give the little outfit to the mom with the early baby. The nurse teared up. I explained my reasoning. No one plans on a preemie. All the baby shower gifts are geared for 0-3 months old. I know all mine were. This little baby deserves to have something more than the tacky hospital t-shirt to wear. Every girl needs to feel pretty. I told her it was washed about two days ago in Baby Dreft and to please tell the mom that I am thinking about her. The nurse was crying and I was crying and Felicia was looking at me like I was a basket case. I headed back to my room.

Jason got back just as Doc Hall was giving Felicia her last check up. He said that she was ready to go home when I was. She looks great, healthy, happy and he wants to see her about four days after we get home. The nurse handed him a clipboard, he signed the release papers and they both left. I looked at Jason. "I want to go home." Jason rolled his eyes. "Just one more night. We can go home in the morning." I reached over and hit the nurse call button. When supernurse came in I brightened up. She told me she had just come on shift and was happy to see that we were doing well. I told her I wanted to go home. "I will have to get the doctor to sign you out, but I doubt he will." I grinned," Oh, he will let me go. He knows how much I hate hospitals."

Doc Chacon came into the room about 6 that evening. He poked and prodded, checked and rechecked then asked, "Did Hall come to check on Felicia yet?" I nodded. "Ok, then you can go, but take it easy. You are still very weak. I want to see you in three days and I better not see any infection or I won't release you early next time." I smiled at him. "Ok." He signed the paperwork and we packed. We headed home about 7:30pm.

I admit (you better not tell anyone), I was too weak to drive. I actually let Jason drive us all the way home. It took about 40 minutes since it had started to snow. We got home and Felicia and I settled in while Jason went to get Kenny. I think we offended my cousin by picking him up early, but I was never concerned about her taking care of him. I was concerned about missing him so horribly my heart literally ached. I just wanted everyone home, with me.