Roses

Roses. When I was a young child I truly believed that roses only bloomed for my grandmother. We had roses in our garden at home, but they were small and colorless compared to the giant, beautiful, sweet smelling, magical blossoms that grew in the gardens my grandmother tended. My grandparents had moved a couple of times during my life, and at each home a rose garden seemed to appear out of nowhere. Sure, this is childhood fantasy you say. Well that isn't entirely true. The roses my grandmother grew were so large and so perfectly gorgeous, neighbors and strangers would stop and stare at these bushes in awe.

When I found out that my grandmother was officially going into hospice care on Aug 16, 2006, I almost fell to my knees. That is the day we are scheduled for the sonogram to find out the sex of our baby. How am I supposed to handle joy and pain in such high doses in the same 24 hours?

Our appointment was set around noon time as usual so that Jason could take a long lunch and meet me at the doc's office. We went into the room and I got myself prepped for the event. I tried as hard as I could to focus on what was going on in the here and now, but I couldn't get roses out of my head. The textures, colors were so vivid, I felt as if I could close my eyes and pluck one from my mind. The ultrasound tech came into the room and gooed me up. She was excited to see Kenny in person rather than through the computer screen. The exam started normally, size, weight, formation etc. Everything was fine. She commented on the baby's movement. "This one is very very active!" Trust me, I knew this baby was a little on the excited side. I had felt this one's kicks earlier and where Kenny's sleep and awake cycles were predictable, this one seemed to never sleep!

The technician wandered around my belly for a few more minutes then stopped and turned the computer screen towards me. She said, "So can you tell what this one is?" I searched the screen for the little "taco" shape but couldn't find it. It was all a blur to me. I said, "I know it is a girl, but I can't tell. Am I wrong?" The technician giggled and pointed out the "taco" to me. "It is a girl! A happy, dancing, maybe even a little tempermental girl!!"

My heart leapt! A girl. A GIRL!! I knew it! Tears started streaming from my eyes. A girl. I already knew her name. I had picked it out long ago. I couldn't wait to tell my family. I couldn't wait to go and talk to my grandmother (she raised 7 girls by the way)!

As we were leaving the office I grabbed the cell and started the calls. I called Carol first. She screamed and cried with joy. The first thing she said was, "Now you have your Felicia Lorraine!! I am so happy for you, Paula!" This of course started my tears all over again. I called my mother and Jason called his. Everyone was so happy.

Jason asked if I wanted to go to lunch. Nope. I want to go see my grandma. So, we headed back into town. In my excitement I had forgotten that today was the day hospice was delivering the hospital bed and setting up all the things needed for grandma's care. I pulled into the drive and parked. Walking through the gate I passed the beautiful yellow roses that we helped her plant just last year. Grandma was so unsure that these roses were going to survive because the root ball had been damaged. They were so bright, vibrant and beautiful. A year later and the plant had tripled in size. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I walked into the house and met my aunt. I told her I was having a girl. She grinned. I could see it in her eyes that she couldn't wait to buy the poofy dresses and dolls for the baby. Still, she was busy getting things organized so we didn't talk much. I asked her where grandma was. She told my that she was in her room and that she was tired and a little confused so she asked that only I head down the hall and to be quick. I left Kenny with Jason, passed the newly set up bed in the living room and made my way to see the woman who has inspired so much in me. The woman that never lost hope for me. The woman who encouraged me.

**Please understand that I am now in full on cry mode, so if the rest of this post doesn't make much sense, I am sorry. I just want to get it out and done. **

I walked into her room and saw her on the bed. She was a little shaky and her head was low. She looked so small. My uncle was sitting with her. He told me that she may not recognize me right now because the comotion of the day has gotten her confused. I told him I needed to talk to her. I sat next to her. I held her hand. I said, "Hi grandma. I have some news for you." She looked up at me with no sparkle in her eye. Don't ask me how I held it together. "Grandma, I am about 4 months along in my pregnancy and today we saw the doctor". She cocked her head a little, smiled and said, "Hi Paula. How are you feeling today?" The sparkle was there!! She was back!! I felt I had to hurry. I needed her to hear what I had to say. " Grandma, the doctor did a sonogram today and we found out that we are having a girl!" She smiled, "That is wonderful, Paula." I went on, "Grandma, I love you so much and I want you to know that we are going to name her Felicia Lorraine and I hope with my heart that she grows up to be as beautiful as you." She tilted her head again, smiled and said in a weak voice, "That would be wonderful, Paula." I fought back the tears as I watched her lower her head again. She let go of my hand. I looked over at my uncle. He just looked at me sadly. He told me congratulations for the baby girl and told me grandma needed to rest.

I left the room and almost ran out of the house. Again, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

A few days later I went to see her again. She recognized me for just a slight moment then referred to me by my mother's name. I watched her sleep and spoke with my aunt for a while. The hospice people were giving her a week. We chatted a little longer and then I headed home.

The day before my grandmother died, I was allowed to spend a few moments alone with her. She slept the whole time. She twitched in pain while she slept. I cannot begin to imagine how I would ever describe the horror and anger I felt. This vibrant and strong woman who has lived through light and dark times with her capacity to love and give still intact does not deserve to spend her last days so thin and frail in pain and confusion!

I pulled the chair closer to the bed. I gently lay my hand over hers. As the tears litterally poured from my eyes I told her this (at least as best as I can remember). "Grandma, you have brought more beauty to this world than anyone before you. I have learned so much from you and I am a better person because of you. You believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You kept a family together with your kindness and quiet generosity. I hate to see you hurting. We all have learned to love because of you. I want you to do what you need to do for you now. We will all be ok and we will all remember what you have taught us. If you need to go so that there is no more pain, then go. I love you so much. But, if you need to jump off that bed and go dancing, I will be right there with you. I love you grandma. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you. "

Yes, part of me feels guilty for telling her to go if she wanted. Part of me felt like it was the best thing I could have done. Yes, just about all of me wanted her to jump off that table and go dancing.

My grandmother, Violet Lorraine passed away on Aug 25th. She lived her life and taught us how to live ours. I know that the roses still grow in that garden. I know that the yellow ones in the front, near the gate are larger and still as beautiful as ever. I know because my heart tells me this is true.

**I have spit this out as best I can. I am sure that it isn't written well but I am happy that it is done. I don't want to re read it now, so I am just going to hit the publish button and hope that my spelling is correct. **