North To Alaska

I wouldn't be the controlling, know-it-all person I am if I wasn't a bit nosey. Sitting in the terminal, waiting to be called to board the plane, I people watched. I scrutinized everyone and everything that came out of or went into the little door behind the desk that leads to the plane. The pilots walked through the door. They looked mature, in control. Not bad. Nothing I saw caused me to stress, so I started to believe that I felt comfortable with this whole flying thing.

Over the intercom it was announced that first class passengers should line up for boarding. Hmm. Isn't first class at the front of the plane? Wouldn't it be easier to let the back of the plane load first? Alright, let it slide. Not everyone is as smart as I am. The announcement came for passengers with children to board. Our turn. We handed the attendant our tickets and she pointed us through the door. As we headed through the door I had to say, "At least we walk the plank as a family." Jason tapped my shoulder and scowled. "It is called a gangway, Honey." OOH! That makes it better. I pictured gang members practicing drive by shootings on either side of this plastic roofed funnel! Good Lord my imagination sucks.

We approached the plane's door. The very friendly attendant stepped forward and offered to help carry a bag. I warmed to her instantly. How nice. We officially board the plane. The cockpit door was open about halfway. What kind of person would I be if I didn't attempt to peek in? So I peeked. A uniformed gentleman caught me, smiled and quickly shut the door. My mouth again, "I guess they didn't want me to see them passing around the vodka bottle." This prompted another, rather more forceful tap from my husband which was accompanied by a rather acidic, "Paula!" The attendant who was helping us to our seats ignored me, but I swear she smiled! What was I supposed to think? What if I just wanted to meet the pilot? What if I wanted some vodka too!!??

I chose the window seat. Claustrophobia has never been much of an issue for me, but why take chances? We got settled. The rest of the plane was buzzing with people slamming compartments, getting into their seats and doing what ever it is that people are supposed to do on boarding a plane. My view out the window wasn't too bad. I could see the end half of the wing but otherwise my view was unobstructed.

I heard the crew shut the door up front and they made their way down the aisle to check the overhead compartments. They then started that safety dance thingie. Over the intercom we hear someone telling us what to do while the attendants positioned in the aisle dance out the story. Kenny thought this was a performance for him. He even clapped when the chick who was standing next to our seat was done! We are buckled in and ready. Kenny is sitting buckled to daddy on his lap, I am sitting at the window.

The plane taxied out. We pick up speed. Faster and faster. I am ok. Jason however has one arm wrapped around a wiggly Kenny while his other hand is slowly and surely being crushed with the increasing pressure from my grip. We left the ground. A little bump. My stomach dropped. Felicia punched my kidney, slapped my bladder, kicked my left lung and head-butted my other kidney!! My God that hurt! I was so focused on Felicia beating the crap out of me from the inside that I forgot I was on a plane! She was either really happy or really pissed off! I just knew if I lifted my shirt I would see bruises forming. Jeez, KID!

The plane leveled out. Things were ok. I relaxed, a little. I talked and talked to keep my mind away from remembering that movie where people crashed on the mountain and ended up eating each other. This leg of the journey was to be about 2 hours long. We have a stop in Seattle, then it is on to Anchorage. I counted to 10, breathing deeply, about 500 times. An attendant made her way down the aisle with a cart full of tiny trail mix bags and soda. I pulled a little pack of crackers out for Kenny. We snacked, looked out the window and talked. There were three seats on our side of the plane, we only paid for two, but the third was empty so we were able to spread out a bit. Kenny finally fell asleep for a while. He hadn't fallen back to sleep since we woke him up to put him in the truck. Things were going fine.

The announcement came that we were coming into Seattle. The view was awesome. Water everywhere! We got our belts on and prepped as instructed for the landing. Kenny was awoken and put back in Daddy's lap. I started to get nervous again. The ground was getting closer. I can do this. This is for my kids. This is for my kids.

When those little puny tires hit the landing strip I almost tore Jason's arm off! Felicia again went into a frenzy and Kenny giggled. Pictures of the plane rolling end over end flew through my head. They were gonna stop to fast and kill us all. No, they weren't gonna stop at all and we would crash into some fuel tanker parked at the end of the runway and we would all blow up! The plane came to a stop. We were at the terminal. I looked to Jason, "Hey, that was easier than I thought! See, I didn't get worried one bit." He raised the hand that I had been holding. Deep red claw marks, one actually bleeding were visible on his flesh. So I am not perfect!

We left the plane and I headed straight for the bathroom. There was no way in hell I was going to get my pregnant ass stuck in the plane's potty so I had held it during the flight. Checking the tickets and the monitors, we made our way to the next plane that would take us all the way north to Alaska. We found the gate and checked in. Lucky for us there was a Burger King right next to the waiting area so we decided to eat.

Into the waiting area for the next flight. Not bad. I felt pretty good. I have survived the first leg of the journey. I asked the chick at the counter where I could go to smoke. She gave me a dirty look. I spouted off, "Yes, I am pregnant. Yes I am one of those evil ozone killing, nicotine addicted freaks that thoroughly enjoys pulling smoke into my lungs." I got another dirty look. She told me I would have to go to the designated smoking area. She pulled out a map. Good God. If you have to look at a map then you know your in trouble. The smoking area was about a ten minute flipping walk from where we were! Our flight was due to leave in about 30 minutes. Great. Besides that I would have to go through security again. SHIT!

Fine. I don't need a cigarette anyway. (liar) We boarded the plane. This flight crew wasn't as friendly, but I figured I could deal. I have an excuse to be a bitch. I am pregnant, craving nicotine and I hate flying. We got settled and took off. It wasn't as bad as the first time. Felicia didn't beat the crap out of me, maybe the food settled her down. I didn't even mangle Jason's arm this time. Cool. I am so cool. Total cucumber, that is me!

We didn't really hit turbulence until we went over some huge mountain range off the coast of Canada. I wasn't sure where we were, honestly. I am just guessing. All I know is the mountains were beautiful! I was gazing out the window, imagining I was a beautiful bird, getting all "one with the earth" then suddenly some giant from hell grabbed the plane and shook it like a rattle. I almost screamed. Jason grabbed my hand and tried to talk me down. Felicia was kickboxing in my tummy and Kenny was laughing like he was on a roller coaster! The seat belt light came on and I was convinced that those stupid oxygen masks were going to drop and we were going to be portrayed in some movie ten years from now called The Dumb Pregnant Woman who got on the Plane. I started counting and breathing. Breathe in 1,2,3,4,5 Breathe out 1,2,3,4,5. When it was over, Jason's hand was bleeding in four places.

It was announced that we were coming into Anchorage. We flew over the airport on the approach. Hmm. That runway looks really sparkly. Now, when I was learning to drive my mother told me that if blacktop sparkles, there is a good chance that it is covered with ice or patchy black ice. My brain went to work on this info really fast. The tires on an airplane do not have chains nor studs. The tires on an airplane are tiny with little tread. The tires on an airplane suck!! We are going to land this big ass heavy plane on an icy surface only using these little stupid tires!! NO WAY BABE! I went into full freak mode. So much so that the attendant stopped by to check on us. I kept my voice to a whisper, but I am sure I wasn't as quiet as I thought I was. The conclusion that my wonderfully active imagination came to was simple. We are going to skid off the road into that proverbial tanker truck that must be parked at the end of every runway.

I kissed Kenny, closed my eyes, placed one hand on my belly and resumed crushing Jason's hand with the other. I tried to breathe. I tried to picture puppies or flowers instead of the slow motion movie of a burning plane in my head. I was tense from my toe nails to the hair follicles on my head. Felicia didn't even move. Then it was over. We landed. I took a deep breath. I let go of Jason's hand. I kissed Kenny. Then I said, "Get me the fuck off this plane and get me a damn cigarette!" Jason smiled, "I told you we would be fine." I wanted to kill him. He said, "I told my mom to meet us right outside of security with a lighter so you could have a smoke right away." We grabbed our carry-ons, got off the plane and followed the signs to the exit. I actually started to jog when I saw his mom on the other side of security, grinning, holding up the blue lighter. I simply mouthed,"thank you," as I flew by grabbing the lighter as if we were in a relay race. Jason was walking with Kenny at toddler pace and didn't even get to his mom until I was outside and into my fourth puff. I got a dirty look from some airport worker. She told me that the smoking area was at the end of the sidewalk in an old bus stop shelter. She pointed in the direction. Fine. I finished the cigarette on the way to the shelter and started another one when I got there!

Jason, Kenny and his mom walked in my direction inside the terminal. Kenny made faces at me through the window while Jason fetched our luggage from the round luggage thingie. We are in Alaska. One week before I have to get back on a plane. One week to psych myself out. I can do this. God, I suck at lying.