Boom Boom

Just a few days before my appointment, Kenny had his one year immunization appointment. That was fun!! Ha! After the nurse poked him in both arms and both thighs he cried for all of 40 seconds. Then he turned to the nurse, who was calmly trying to make up to him by rubbing his back while I held him, and let out a barage of baby profanity and venom. I don't mean a simple dirty look and high piched whine. Nope. My adorable, sweet little blue-eyed, angel-faced boy turned his head around (have you seen the Exorcist?) looked her straight in the eye and boo'd, goo'd, baa'd and jumbled out a 20 second spitfire retort to her treatment of him. She was taken aback. Hell, I was taken aback! He then turned back to me. He wouldn't even look at her when we passed her desk on the way out! Wow. I thought I had a smart mouth. If this was a look at things to come, I am in trouble!!

Appointment time again. Today is the 19th of July and we are going to hear that sweet sound that brings tears to your eyes. I don't care how many kids you have, when you hear that heartbeat echo from your womb your emotions (ya-ya, prego emotions are more intense, I know) take a leap in spirit and your heart melts into a warm ooey-gooey puddle of love.

In the exam room, Jason bundled Kenny into his lap and Dr Chacon got to work squirting cold goo on my belly. Kenny wasn't sure what to think about this. He kept giving the doc dirty looks and reaching out to me. He had developed a little distrust for lab coats since his immunization shots. Chacon placed the wand just below my belly button and started to move down. Suddenly, "boom boom" loud and clear!! Kenny cocked his head to listen. Jason and I met eyes and the tears started flowing. There it was again. That sound. The most beautiful sound on the planet. We couldn't get the sound on our home dopplar...probably because we were positioning the wand too high.

I couldn't believe that it was possible to be so excited about hearing the heartbeat of this child. We were listening to Kenny almost everyday before I had him. Surely I had developed some immunity to the sweetness, the beauty, the grand feeling of being one with nature. My heart fluttered. My eyes teared. I am going to be a mommy again. Another sweet spirit of innocence was giving me the opportunity and trust of raising it, teaching it, loving it. Holy Cow. I am the luckiest person on this planet!! The doctor finished up with checking me out. Everything was right on track. Baby sounded great. Kenny is adorable. I am fine. Done.

It was probably a week later when I did what I call, the "worsest mommy thing ever." Jason left for work, I played with Kenny, cleaned the house etc etc. No matter what I did to try to keep myself awake, that early pregnancy "exhaustion" took over. I couldn't sit down for a minute with out catching myself dozing off!! AAAHH! I can't sleep. I have to keep an eye on Kenny! He wasn't taking his morning nap anymore and it was about four hours away before his afternoon nap. I had to do something. So here comes the "worsest mommy thing ever." It was about 11am. I called Jason, asked him to call me at noon sharp. He was busy and told me he would. He didn't question me. Thank God. I felt so guilty. Still, guilt wasn't enough to keep my engine running. I put Kenny in his crib with a few of his favorite toys. I turned on the stereo. I turned on the baby monitor. I then went to my bed, lay down and was asleep before my eyes could close. I got about an hour in. Kenny didn't peep. When the phone rang at noon I flew out of bed worried that Kenny was loose and alone in the house. I envisioned him eating rat poisoning under the sink(we didn't have rat poisoning, hmm, baby book paranioa?) I ran into his room. He was sitting down in the crib, playing with his toys and singing with the music. The strength of my relief could have powered a small town for two weeks!! But, I felt better, I didn't feel like I was going to fall over. Still, even today, I feel guilty. I felt selfish. Then came the realization that I had made a choice. I chose to get some sleep for the baby inside me instead of insuring the happiness of the baby outside. I was going to have to figure out a better way to keep everyone happy.

That same week I got the horrible call. There wasn't much time left before my grandmother, the most beautiful, true, honest and self-less women on this Earth, was going to need hospice. My aunt told me that it would most likely happen within the next two weeks! She had been diagnosed with alzhiemers about a year ago. She had her good times and her bad times. She would sing to Kenny during our visits and give me encouragement as to my abilities to be a good mom. This woman. This beautiful woman whom I respected more than any other on this planet was going to leave soon. This was very much not ok with me. I went through the gammet. I cried, I got angry, I got depressed, I went on a rampage at how unfair it is to my kids not to know her as I do. I felt lost. Being that I was pregnant, with a small one in tow, the family had slowly cut me out of grandma's care. I still went to visit. I still went to talk with her and be with her. I just couldn't believe that she may not be there to see this baby be born. She won't be there to let Kenny stir the gravy on holidays. She won't be there.