I Wanna Go Home

Lilian's first evening in our world was beautiful.  Jason stayed with me there in the hospital and we spent the night sleeping peacefully only occasionally waking for a quiet talk while I fed our angel. 

Just after my really yucky bland bland breakfast the next morning, Sherry stopped in to check on me.  She was concerned about my swelling and my blood pressure being all over the place.  I told her that I wanted to go home.  She cocked her head and told me that there was no way I could go home today.  I argued my case and lost.  I don't like to lose.  I have two other children who need me, a comfortable bed to sleep in without nurses interrupting me all night and a home to introduce Lilian to.  I wanted to go home! "Give it just one more night please," Sherry said.  Ok, one more night. 

We made phone calls and got a friend to stay with the kids.  I hated that I was away from them.  Seeing them in the hospital is fine and dandy, but it isn't easy for a kid to be on best behavior for so long in such a sterile setting.

Most of the day was uneventful.  I was able to get up and walk around a lot more, that made me happy.  I was able to relax a little, that made Jason happy.  As evening drew closer I prepared for Sherry to make her "as I am heading for home" visit.  Nurse Betty was coming back on shift, and so was freaky nurse and I was able to make jokes and be a decent enough person for a while recognizing a little routine as night fell.  Sherry looked a little tense when she came in.  I asked her what was what.  She again made frowny faces at my healing and poked around my incision.  "I am concerned that you are not healing properly.  We had to really stretch, pull, shove and rearrange things in there during birth."  I knew what was coming next.  I didn't want to hear it so as is my normal habit I shot off, "If you think I am going to fall for some crap excuse like that you are nuts!  I wanna go home!"  Sherry shot back, "I don't care what you want, I care about making you better so you can raise that little baby! If you need to stay longer dammit you are going to do so!"  NO one has ever spoken to me like that aside from my mother!  I was shocked.  I was amazed.  I was actually impressed!  Still, I couldn't let it go.  "I don't want to stay here and play patient.  I feel fine and I want to go home.  You come back in the morning and you will see that I am ready to go.  I left early after Kenny and Felicia, I am going to go home tomorrow and that is that.  I will be fine."  She didn't even flinch.  Nurse Betty was standing near the door and the poor woman looked like she just saw a bad traffic accident. 

Sherry took a deep breath and pulled up a chair.  Rubbing my shoulder she said, "I don't like the way things look.  You going home early after the first two c-sections is probably why you are in the place you are now.  Your body didn't heal properly and now you must let it heal.  I mean it. I wouldn't make you stay here longer than you wanted."  I didn't know what to say.  I wanted to scream and fight, but in my heart I knew she was right.  Ok, fine.  Sherry left after a few more minutes.  She really was an awesome midwife.  I could have strangled her for not giving me what I wanted, but I love her for caring.

I called Jason who was at home with the kids making dinner and doing baths and such.  I explained to him what Sherry said and asked him to bring me the little netbook when he came in for the night.  He agreed and let me know when to expect him. 

I sat in my room cradling little Lilian in my arms.  Then I lost it.  I started crying like a freak!  I am talking BAWLING hard and long sobs of pure pain.  I didn't even know what hurt!  I couldn't figure out where this was coming from.  It wasn't a tantrum for not getting my way...it was more like a letting go of frustration and realizing that a new more frustrating frustration was taking it's place.  It was weird!  It was so not me. 

Nurse Betty tapped the door and walked in.  She came to the bed and asked what was wrong.  I asked her to watch Lilian so I could go have a smoke and get out for a minute.  She agreed and I put on my robe and tottered my ass outside.  I stood there near the entrance, staring at the mostly empty parking lot bawling and bawling all the while telling myself that I was nuts.  I had no real reason to be crying.  I mean come on!  This is me here.  I am supposed to be strong and organized.  I am Paula...Pillar of Steel.  Right?  Apparently not. 

I went back inside to find Nurse Freak playing with Lilian.  I wanted to kill her.  I went to the nurses station and found Nurse Betty...took her aside and told her that I wasn't too thrilled with Nurse Freak.  I didn't want to be mean, but I didn't want her all over my baby.  Betty understood and told me that she would do her best to keep her occupied but without being too obvious.  I thanked her. 

Nurse Betty followed me back to my room and asked Nurse Freak to run an errand.  She shut the door and asked me if I wanted to talk.  No.  I didn't.  She pried a little more and seemed genuinely concerned.  Then I lost it again.  I blubbered about how it seemed so hard to convince my parents to come and help out for just one night...about the frustration with Sherry and why she won't let me go home...about how Jason has to miss more work because of my fat ass...about the fear that my older kids would be mad at me and not feel part of the process...about the surgery itself, how scared and alone I felt in that room as they tried to put my humpty-dumpty ass back together again.  So much came pouring out of me.  It shocked me.  I don't do that.  I definitely don't do that in front of other people.  Not even hubby! I ended my fruit-loop tirade with the panic I felt at just the thought of Jason not staying with me overnight in the hospital.  She told me he was welcome, but I didn't know who else to tap to watch Kenny and Felicia if I didn't get to go home the next day.  We will cross that bridge is all she could say.  Then Nurse Betty gave me a hug.  I needed that so bad. 

I spent the rest of the night crying, sleeping and feeding.  That was about it.  Jason stayed with me and did his best to support me.  I was a basket case.  Sunday morning dawned and I was convinced that I could go home today.  Sherry came by on her way to the office and we chatted about how I was feeling and what she wanted to see.  She said that she would stop by at lunch and check on me.  Then she would decide if I could go home.  Ok. 

It was around 2 when she was able to make it in.  I had just finished my first after baby shower and was feeling damn good and perfectly refreshed.  I started to pack up my suitcase.  Sherry had me sit down.  She checked my vitals, my incision and took a deep breath.  I hate deep breath's!  She looked me in the eye and told me that I couldn't go home today.  I didn't even argue.  I couldn't.  I just broke down again. 

My Family Grows

Lilian is almost 10 months old and I am still shocked that I now have three kids.  Hell, I am shocked when I look into the handsome face of my son, my first miracle and it hits me again and again.  I am a mom.  Being a mom is awesome.

Lilian and I napped in our little room.  I snuggled her up in my arm, supported it with a ton of pillows cause you know, even with the third kid I tend to be a little paranoid.  Next thing I know the nurse is tugging at my arm to take my blood pressure and then she tugged and shoved at the tubes stuck in my arm.  I ignored her.  Heaven is when a baby cuddles you warm and soft. 

I don't know how much time passed but Lilian started to wiggle in my arms.  Immediately I figured she was hungry so I went to set myself up to feed her.  Unfortunately my body had another plan.  They had put so  much drugs into my system and I was so weak.  I couldn't even pull myself up into a sitting position and of course I couldn't reach the damn bed control.  So, I pushed the button I could reach....against my better judgement and called the nurse.  Nurse Betty comes strolling in with a smile.  At least she seemed nice.  Nurses and I usually don't get along so well.  She helped me up and got me situated so I could reach my table and my controls.  Betty refilled my water and ice chips (GOD I LOVE ICE CHIPS), got me some broth and crackers then informed me that Sherry would be by in an hour or so to poke at my incision.  Joy. 

It wasn't long before Nurse Betty was back with a hyper little freak of a nurse to change my dressing, bedding and to remove the catheter.  Joy.  Nurse Freak seemed nice enough but she was beyond odd.  Thinking back on it, she is lucky that she still has use of her arms.  Every damn time I turned around she wanted to take Lilian "off my hands" so I could rest, or go to the bathroom or some other stupid excuse to steal my angel.  All this even after she got my threat speech. 

Paula's Just-Had-A-Baby Threat Speech:
"This is my body and this is my baby.  You do not touch either without my permission.  If my permission is granted, you never leave my sight. You ALWAYS explain to me what you are going to do and why before you do it.  If you think I am kidding feel free to call down to Nevada and see how many nurses either quit or got fired because they crossed me during one of my first two births.  I am not a good patient and I don't play games.  I hate being in the hospital and I don't think very highly of any in the medical profession.  You do not know better than me.  Do not make the mistake of thinking or saying that I am "just an overwhelmed new mom" because that will surely cause me to harm you physically. I will most likely joke with you during the time that I am here, perhaps we will be friends.  IF that happens DO NOT assume that this threat is then void because I will whip around and bite your ass if you piss me off."

Nurse Betty heeded the warning...Nurse Freak thought I was just being funny.  When Sherry came in to check my incision and pick and poke at me I told her that she needed to have a talk with Nurse Freak about me.  I explained that I could tell this chick didn't get me at all.  Sherry grinned and said she would talk to her. 

My blood pressure was through the roof so Sherry was playing the heavy and started to spout orders to me about drinking more water (please lady, I drink enough to drown a fish!) and to not stress, listen to the nurses (fat chance) yadda yadda.  She planned to stop in on her way home this evening to check in on me.  Ok.  Fine. 

Sherry left me in peace just in time for my crew to arrive.  Jason came in with Kenny, Felicia, my Mom and my Dad.  Our little room was crowded.  Felicia looked scared and concerned.  She didn't understand why Mommy was in bed...and what the hell is that little wiggly thing eating mom's boob?  Kenny was all out excited.  He tried to hop on the bed.  Thankfully Jason was able to stop him. 

My Dad did something that still warms my heart.  He asked to hold her.  Dad doesn't hold babies, but he wanted to hold mine.  I handed her to him and he cooed at her and talked to her.  He commented on how beautiful she was and how usually babies are kinda ugly.  It was a sweet thing to watch.  I took her back for a few minutes to introduce her to her siblings.  Kenny wanted to hold her but we talked him out of it.  She was awake and looking around at the strange family she was born into.  I did my best to explain to the kids that Lilian used to be in my tummy but the doctors took her out and now, just like them she is one of my kids.  I think they understood to some degree. 

My Mom took Lilian then. I didn't watch too long cause I so desperately missed my angels.  I had to squeeze and hug and kiss them.  Kenny asked questions and Felicia sucked her thumb.  Lilian started crying about then and I (shame on me) shoved my older two aside so I could make room to get my baby back into my arms.  God, I still feel bad about that today!  I called Nurse Betty in and told her I needed some fresh air.  She looked at me funny.  I told her to please get me a wheel chair cause I wanted to go outside.  She stared at me.  I asked if there was a problem.  She said, "you can't take the baby outside."  DUH,  I told her that I won't.  Jason will stay in the room with Lilian and my mom and I were going outside.  She asked why.  I simply said, "Cause I need a damn cigarette.  I am a little stressed right now.  Did you not hear the "Oh SHIT" during the procedure to hack my baby out of me?"  She looked to the floor and said she would be right back.  Me in a wheel chair, pulling along my IV, my mom, my dad and the older kids made our way out the door. 

Apparently Nurse Betty called the doc to tell on me.  When I got back in the room she was there to take my blood pressure.  I commented that it wasn't time yet.  She simply told me the doc wanted another reading right away.  She turned on the stupid self pumping machine, wrapped my arm and told me to relax.  Ok.  Easy.  I saw the shock on her face as she watched the computer finish the reading.  My mom smirked.  Jason shook his head.  Guess what....that cigarette, even with the extra exertion from going outside brought my BP down about 17 points.  No one bitched about my smoking after that.

My parents left and we settled in.  Jason eventually took the kids to the cafeteria for lunch and I slurped at my broth with my little angel in my arms.

Pure Beauty

I suppose some may think that my attitude as a patient is over the top.  Perhaps you believe that I am making this crap up off the top of my head.  Rest assured....I am really that much of a pain in the ass!  I have little patience when it comes to this body of mine and even less patience for people who tell me I need to "rest" or "calm down" or my husband's favorite 'ism, "put ice on it."  Ugh. 

So, I am now on my way to my room.  My heart was pounding and my brain was flashing through the images of my first real moments with my first two critters. 

As we turn into the doorway I see my husband standing there under the television.  He is looking at me expectantly.  I see no baby.  Well, here comes that anger..."where is my baby!?" Jason tells me that I was gone so long that the nurse took her for her vitals and such.  "Why can't she do that here in the room where I can watch her?" He didn't know.  Just as I was attempting to pull my big butt out of bed so that I could march down the hall and rip some heads off (ok, I couldn't have walked...but that wouldn't have stopped me) Nurse Betty comes into the room wheeling the baby cart.  My anger disappeared.  There before me was a blessing with the cutest little scrunchy face and sweetest little puckered lips.  She was burrito-ed up in blankets and sleeping. 

Tears found their way to my eyes and I couldn't stop staring at her. 

Nurse Betty fussed over me for a bit and explained that she was going to be taking care of us for the next few days, during her shift.  I wondered if she was strong enough.  She whispered something to Jason as she passed him and then went to work on taking my blood pressure, temp, checking my circulation yadda yadda.  Jason started to unwrap our angel and proceeded to change her diaper.  I saw red.  I could have killed the man right there.  I am the mom, I am supposed to change her first diaper!  Yes, reason, that really shy idiot that sits at the back of my emotional chaos told me that he is Daddy. He isn't going to hurt her. He can do this.  Besides while I was recovering she must have had her diaper changed a few times.  Unfortunately the Mom-Beast in me only saw red and stomped on little woosy reason.  I think I actually growled.  Nurse Betty must have sensed there was something wrong because she started chatting me up about baby's first hour, her Apgar scores (10/10) and other little things that somehow softened me instantly.  I learned that she was a little poop machine, that she has an attitude (oh so proud is me) and that she seems to be more "cuddlely" than a most newborns. 

With  my vitals checked, I positioned myself and Jason handed me our sweet little critter.  So soft, warm.  She really loved to nestle herself up to me.  I hummed to her and stroked her head and she opened her beautiful eyes to look at me.  I don't know how long we sat like that, I was lost in that beauty.  She seemed to look at me for so long!  We were inturrupted when Sherry walked in.  She cooed over our angel as she started to explain to me that my recovery was going to frustrate me. 

I told her not to worry.  I was gonna be out of here tomorrow and that is that.  She got that stern face and told me that I would be lucky to get out of here by Monday.  Excuse me!!  "I don't like hospitals, I will be out of here by Saturday night!"  Sherry simply shook her head and then this patronizing smile formed on her face.  "We shall see," was all she said as she left the room. 

There was no room for me to fight with her.  I was full of love and feeling so light and happy.  My arms were full of sweetness!  I couldn't help myself.  I had to unwrap her little feet and play with them.  So awesome!  I love baby feet.  I think she gave me a dirty look but with me as a mom she would have to get used to this baby feet thing.  As I set her up to breastfeed, I prayed she would take to it.  She did. No problem.  In fact she sighed like this was what she was waiting for her whole life. :) We were both in heaven.

As I fed her, Jason and I started to talk about her name.  I asked, "Do you think that the name we chose fits her?"  He said, "Yes, it really does."  With that it was confirmed.

On June 18th Lilian Violet McMillen was born.  She weighed 6lbs,15oz

I couldn't wait for Kenny and Felicia to see her!!