I have never pretended to have the best self esteem. However, I do have pride in a few things. I consider myself a strong person, a smart person (ok, the kids have stolen some of my IQ points) and a fairly decent mom. So I ask myself what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I give up this stupid anxiety and these fears of dying and leaving my kids without my love? There is no explanation that I can accept. I have heard theories from various people, doctors, family and friends but these people don't live in this body. They have no idea how frustrating it is for me to lose the strength in my convictions, in myself.
Over the last couple of weeks I have been able to hold the anxiety at bay, for the most part. Today, the bay flooded. Tomorrow is my appointment at the OB where I get to drink that icky glucose crap so that the doctor can tell me my chances of getting gestational diabetes. I am scared. I won't lie. I am very afraid that the numbers won't come back in my favor. Dealing with the situation, whatever the outcome is something I am confident I can handle yet I fear the diagnosis anyway. So many things are different with this pregnancy as opposed to the previous two. I am not losing weight, I am freaking out like a nutcase, I have no aversions to foods, I am not getting that "happy" feeling and my energy has not increased. Either something is...or I have convinced myself that something is wrong.
If I hear "Every pregnancy is different" one more time I am gonna get my BB gun and start shooting off people's toes!! I understand that every pregnancy will have it's own way of progressing and affecting the mommy...but in my case, EVERYTHING seems to be different. Urgh!! I am so frustrated.
Right after Christmas I ordered the home doppler monitor thingie so we can hear the baby's heartbeat at home. It came in the mail last week. I ripped open the package and tried to find the baby...to no avail. I spent the afternoon freaking out (which has become normal)! Later that night, after spending the evening as a zombie, Jason urged me to try again. I did.....guess what. I heard it. That sweetest sound of sounds. Thump-ity thump-ity thump-ity.... Baby's rate was a perfect 150. The tears rolled out of my eyes as I clung to the speaker thanking God. Inside my belly is a strong little heartbeat, a beautiful heartbeat that I am responsible for. I am blessed. Frustrated but very very blessed. I am looking forward to a Saturday morning of tickle fights and cuddles on my bed surrounded by THREE angelic critters and love.
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I'm gonna suck in my toes for fear of bb pellets, but you know how different your pregnancies with Kenny and Felicia were...you are older (like you need a reminder)now, and your stress level is a little higher now. Just be confident. And know that you are loved.
ReplyDeleteHooray for happy hearts!
ReplyDeleteI understand what you're going through. I spent my *entire* pregnancy with Madelyn scared out of my wits that something bad was going to happen. It's eased up quite a bit, but unfortunately has continued on for nearly two years. To me it's a waste of time and energy, and that's what I tell myself every time it pops up in my brain. Why do I say that? Because let's say something happens to her (like, oh... when it did, when she fell and knocked herself unconscious last summer). My worrying that something "was going to happen" didn't prevent that. She wasn't even doing anything I would have thought to stop when it happened. And if nothing bad ever happens to her again? Well then it's just as wasteful, no?
I'm not saying it's easy... I'm not even saying I'm successful at it. I'm just saying it's worth giving it all you've got to let the stress go unless and until you need it.
Oh, and you wanna know something I remember reading when I was pregnant with Mad (when it wasn't even relevant)? A lot of women have anxiety about their third babies. Something about that saying, "two-out-of-three-ain't-bad"... I guess that if a woman has two healthy pregnancies, she may worry about pressing her luck.
So yeah... I've just said stop wasting your energy on this thing you can't control *AND* you're completely normal. 'Cuz I like to be all over the map like that.
Hang in there... you'll get through it.
Oh Paula....how I hate that you are going thru this!!!!! WOW I can not imagine!!!! I worry alot too.....but am not going to have a baby....so I hope everything works out for you and the new little peanut. The monitor sounds great and obviously gives you some comfort....just what you need!!!! :) hang in there and keep typing away if you need to we are here for you!!!!!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know you're on my mind (such as it is).
ReplyDelete