Wiggles and Urges

As of today I have officially been knocked up for 19 weeks.  I have made it to the halfway point of pregnancy and things are getting a lot better.  Well.  Kinda. 

See, next week I will be going off to meet my third Obgyn.  Doctor "Hole in the Head" who I saw at first pissed me off. No one treats me like some fainting flower.

I moved along the line to Doctor "Ice Cold Bitch" who is only walking normal today because my husband was there to stop me from breaking her legs.  This woman actually questioned my love for my baby just because I questioned a procedure she suggested I undergo.  In one conversation that lasted all of 6 minutes she referenced "if you really care about the baby," or "if you want to have a healthy baby"...etc about 9 times.  Then, she had the nerve to ask me why my hands were balled into fists and why there were tears in my eyes as she again accused me of not caring about my unborn child.  That is when I started to spring for her throat.  Jason, being a rather intelligent being for a man, was smart enough to come hug me and at the same time keep me pinned to the edge of the table.  I fought him.  I saw red.  I had the plan all worked out.  Easy, maim the witch and then blame it on hormones.  But alas, I settled for a few choice words that ran along the lines of "No arctic bitch is gonna taint my child by being in the room when said child comes into this world."

So on to Obgyn #3.  Hmm.  We shall see how he treats and reacts to someone like me. 

I am happy to report that the panic and anxiety is fading and this little wonderful angelic creature is dancing like crazy in my tummy.  Cherry Slurpee's seem to be the favorite.  :)  I can't help but relax and grin and just thank my lucky stars every time I am blessed with the flutters and wiggles. We ordered the home Doppler thingie and I listen to that perfect little thump-ity every chance I get.  Even the kids get excited.  Well, Kenny does.  Felicia looks at me like I am giving myself up to be a science experiment every time I pull the thing out and turn it on. 

I won't go into details....I am sure you don't want to know them....but I was worried about the lack of um.."urge" that I seemed to be addicted to during the first two pregnancies.  That "urge," although later than I expected, are more um...um....well....um....Potent than before.  I am sure you understand.  ;)

Things are otherwise well in our little house. We will be moving to town the middle of February.  It will be good for everyone of us to not be so isolated out here.  The house is bigger and there is no real traffic so I think it will be a good thing.  Besides...I will be closer to those Cherry Slurpee's. 

Pride, Frustration and Thump-ity

I have never pretended to have the best self esteem.  However, I do have pride in a few things.  I consider myself a strong person, a smart person (ok, the kids have stolen some of my IQ points) and a fairly decent mom.  So I ask myself what the hell is wrong with me?  Why can't I give up this stupid anxiety and these fears of dying and leaving my kids without my love?  There is no explanation that I can accept.  I have heard theories from various people, doctors, family and friends but these people don't live in this body.  They have no idea how frustrating it is for me to lose the strength in my convictions, in myself.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been able to hold the anxiety at bay, for the most part.  Today, the bay flooded.  Tomorrow is my appointment at the OB where I get to drink that icky glucose crap so that the doctor can tell me my chances of getting gestational diabetes.  I am scared.  I won't lie.  I am very afraid that the numbers won't come back in my favor. Dealing with the situation, whatever the outcome is something I am confident I can handle yet I fear the diagnosis anyway.  So many things are different with this pregnancy as opposed to the previous two.  I am not losing weight, I am freaking out like a nutcase, I have no aversions to foods, I am not getting that "happy" feeling and my energy has not increased.  Either something is...or I have convinced myself that something is wrong. 

If I hear "Every pregnancy is different" one more time I am gonna get my BB gun and start shooting off people's toes!!  I understand that every pregnancy will have it's own way of progressing and affecting the mommy...but in my case, EVERYTHING seems to be different.  Urgh!!  I am so frustrated. 

Right after Christmas I ordered the home doppler monitor thingie so we can hear the baby's heartbeat at home.  It came in the mail last week.  I ripped open the package and tried to find the baby...to no avail.  I spent the afternoon freaking out (which has become normal)!  Later that night, after spending the evening as a zombie, Jason urged me to try again.  I did.....guess what.  I heard it.  That sweetest sound of sounds.  Thump-ity thump-ity thump-ity....  Baby's rate was a perfect 150.  The tears rolled out of my eyes as I clung to the speaker thanking God.  Inside my belly is a strong little heartbeat, a beautiful heartbeat that I am responsible for.  I am blessed.  Frustrated but very very blessed. I am looking forward to a Saturday morning of tickle fights and cuddles on my bed surrounded by THREE angelic critters and love.