Hardee har har, joke is on mommy!

So I just sat down to blog.  Lilian is down for her morning nap and not due to wake for another 20 minutes....Felicia is playing with her Ponies....Kenny is off at school and I won't need to wait for the bus for about half an hour.  I sat down to catch you all up on my latest little one.  As I was trying to think of a title...what do you think I hear?  Why, it is my little Lilian.  I believe she is ready for her noonish boob juice a little early today.  Lovely.  I will be back...I promise.

Coming soon

I am just stopping by to let everyone know that I am working my rear off with my three angels and I will try to get back and write about the adventures of Lilian's birth as soon as I can.  Trust me, it will be worth it.  It will be quite a story...

Countdown

Well, here I am, just 9 days away from going to the hospital to pay a group comprised of doctors and nurses to burst my little baby bubble.  I am excited, not ready to share the angel and tired as tired can get. Nothing new.  I have been here twice before.  We shall soon see whether or not this crew of baby bubble busters can handle someone who doesn't trust many, if any hailing from the medical field.  I suppose I should let them in on the secret to my heart.  First, don't tell me I can't do something.  Second, keep that awesome, finely chopped ice coming!!  Perhaps I will just let them figure it out on their own. I am kinda evil that way.

I want you to imagine something for me.  Think of the creature from the black lagoon.  Now think of the stay-puft marshmallow man.  Morph these creatures together in your mind.  I know you can do it...I mean come on, in this day and age we see scientists growing human ears on the backs of rats! 

Got the picture?  Add long blond hair, large, swollen breasts, tired blue eyes and an engorged stomach.  Imagine it walking towards you, like a penguin.  That is me!!

Ok, so seaweed isn't hanging from my shoulders and I am a bit more tan than a marshmallow, but I feel like some strange cross bred creature.  I am bloated, sore, tired and cranky.  I can't walk straight, think straight or even sit straight.  I have a mirror so I know exactly what I look like.  If one more person tells me that I am glowing I think I am going to scream!  I smile at these people, shyly.  They don't know that in my mind I am yelling LIAR LIAR!!

At least my four year old tells it like it is.  He frequently tells me, "Mama, you don't look so good today" or my favorite, "Mama, you look kinda puffy and squishy."  AHA!  Finally the truth! 

Alright, off the pitiful hormone soap box. 

Next Friday I will be introducing another angel to the world.  I can't wait to hold her, nibble on her little toes and smooch that sweet smelling head.  I am still in shock that I am so blessed to be allowed another child to raise and set loose on the world.  As miserable as I am, I don't want to be unpregnant.  I love feeling that spark of life growing and maturing in my belly.  Makes me feel part of something so special and magical.  A million days of stress and frustration are easily forgotten when I watch my kids smile...hear them laugh or listen to them sing.  Being a mom is the best job....and honest hard days work what pays off second by second in hugs, kisses and smiles.

Now I need a nap.

As the Belly Grows...

I admit, very few people consider me "old" but that doesn't make me feel any younger.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant.  The kicks and wiggles, the belly bump and yes, even the boob pain makes me feel a part of something so far beyond myself it is awe inspiring.  Still, I must admit I feel as if I am repeatedly taking a beating from a Mack truck.  It is all worth it though I may whine a little and rant a lot.  When I see that beautiful face nothing that has happened in the last nine months will matter much anymore. 

Just the other night I realized that with only 4 1/2 weeks left, I am SO not prepared!  I have no hospital bag set up, have yet to preregister at the hospital,  there is no designated "baby space" aside from the crib I made Jason put up last week and I have not yet talked to the kids much about how their lives will change around here with a fragile little baby around.  I need to get my shit together. Good Lord!  I don't even have an infant car seat!!  Is this what happens when you get knocked up for the third time?  Do you drop the whole boyscout motto of "be prepared?"  With the first, I was a nutcase about having everything set up.  With the second I was just slightly less nutty (probably because I already had most of what I needed), yet here I am a few weeks away from introducing this new life to the world and I haven't even gotten my room reorganized so that we can put up a co-sleeper!!  Hang on while I smack myself!

Ok, better.

At least the girls' room is organized and decorated in Felicia's pinks and our new angel's purples.  That is good, right?  Another high point, I have not killed anyone yet.  (Husbands don't count, do they?)  Can I really make it through three whole pregnancies without knocking someone out?  An amazing feat for sure.  Though, I must admit there have been a few people who I have come across in the last few months who deserve a good whoopin'.  Hmmm, I am proud of me! 

All that aside, I am amused by how the kids are taking the whole pregnant mommy thing. 

Kenny gets upset because he can't cuddle with me like he used to.  "Mommy, is it June yet cause we have to get the baby out.  Your belly is so big it is pushing me off the couch!!"  Boy, do I feel pretty.  One of my favorite Kenny-isms, "Mama, when the baby comes out she can sleep with me so you can sleep gooder in your bed in case another baby wants to grow there."  LMAO  I just about passed out laughing at that one.  While we were at the ultrasound, watching the baby images on a large flat screen tv...,"I like the baby shadows but I am bored, can we change the channel to SpongeBob?"  Nothing we came up with convinced him that the channel couldn't be changed. 

Felicia takes things a little different.  She is possessed with "mommy's baby" in my tummy.  She will suddenly stop what she is doing and run up to kiss my belly.  Sometimes she will rub my belly and say, "Hi baby."  It is so damn sweet!!  You ask her where mama's baby is and she instantly replies, "In the Tummy!"  She got a baby with a bottle for Christmas and recently has discovered the joy of feeding it and walking it around.  However, when she is done with it she drops it on the floor or tosses it in the corner and moves on to her My Little Ponies.

I am happy we are adding to our little family.  However, I am scared shitless (go ahead and insert a hemorrhoid joke here)?  Is the world ready for THREE children raised by the likes of me?

Are you Kidding ME!

I had hoped to keep my blog going on a more consistent basis for this pregnancy.  Not only am I hormonal, but I have two sweet little shadows who could fill enough story space to write a book.  Instead, not long after my last post the crap hit the fan...and the carpeting. 

So, we found a house in town.  A great place.  We gave the owners the deposit, set ourselves to move in.  We had one concession.  Replace the carpeting.  February 13th we picked up the keys and headed over with a truck load of stuff.  We dumped it in the garage and proceeded to make more trips.  Eventually I made it in the house.  THEY didn't replace the carpet.  When I called the owners they swore up and down that the carpet was sanitary, safe.  We stayed one night.  We didn't unpack a damn thing.  We slept on the couches, curled around each other.  Kenny and I both got sick. 

The next morning while shoving things into my truck to head back to our old place a neighbor came to introduce himself.  We asked him about the previous tenants.  He informed us that they used to lock their FOUR dogs in the house for FOUR OR FIVE days at a time while they left town.  No wonder the carpet was so gross.  No wonder Kenny and I got sick....asthmatics can't take that crap.  Literally. 

Long story short, we are back at the old place.  We are staying.  I don't want to go through any of that again. The landlord here accepted us back with a huge sigh of relief and open arms.  We spent too much money (lawyer, environment testing etc) just to get our deposit back and have the rental agreement voided.  It was crazy.  The owners kept insisting there was nothing wrong with the carpet!  I gave them the proof and they shut up fast.  These people who got all gooey over my kids honestly thought it would be safe for them and for a BABY to crawl around on that toxic mess!

So, here we are in the latter part of April.  I am still trying to put my house back together and prep for the baby.  I am nesting like crazy.  My sciatic nerve is making my right leg go numb and my back is killing me.  However, this little angel in my tummy is just dancing away everyday.  She loves to move.  I can't help but smile every time I get one organ or another sucker punched by the little boxer.  

We are having a girl (just in case I didn't mention it before) and she is growing strong.  It is me that seems weak.  This old body is groaning and moaning as my baby belly grows bigger and bigger. Now that things are settling down I should be able to get back to my blog.  If anyone is still interested. :)

Wiggles and Urges

As of today I have officially been knocked up for 19 weeks.  I have made it to the halfway point of pregnancy and things are getting a lot better.  Well.  Kinda. 

See, next week I will be going off to meet my third Obgyn.  Doctor "Hole in the Head" who I saw at first pissed me off. No one treats me like some fainting flower.

I moved along the line to Doctor "Ice Cold Bitch" who is only walking normal today because my husband was there to stop me from breaking her legs.  This woman actually questioned my love for my baby just because I questioned a procedure she suggested I undergo.  In one conversation that lasted all of 6 minutes she referenced "if you really care about the baby," or "if you want to have a healthy baby"...etc about 9 times.  Then, she had the nerve to ask me why my hands were balled into fists and why there were tears in my eyes as she again accused me of not caring about my unborn child.  That is when I started to spring for her throat.  Jason, being a rather intelligent being for a man, was smart enough to come hug me and at the same time keep me pinned to the edge of the table.  I fought him.  I saw red.  I had the plan all worked out.  Easy, maim the witch and then blame it on hormones.  But alas, I settled for a few choice words that ran along the lines of "No arctic bitch is gonna taint my child by being in the room when said child comes into this world."

So on to Obgyn #3.  Hmm.  We shall see how he treats and reacts to someone like me. 

I am happy to report that the panic and anxiety is fading and this little wonderful angelic creature is dancing like crazy in my tummy.  Cherry Slurpee's seem to be the favorite.  :)  I can't help but relax and grin and just thank my lucky stars every time I am blessed with the flutters and wiggles. We ordered the home Doppler thingie and I listen to that perfect little thump-ity every chance I get.  Even the kids get excited.  Well, Kenny does.  Felicia looks at me like I am giving myself up to be a science experiment every time I pull the thing out and turn it on. 

I won't go into details....I am sure you don't want to know them....but I was worried about the lack of um.."urge" that I seemed to be addicted to during the first two pregnancies.  That "urge," although later than I expected, are more um...um....well....um....Potent than before.  I am sure you understand.  ;)

Things are otherwise well in our little house. We will be moving to town the middle of February.  It will be good for everyone of us to not be so isolated out here.  The house is bigger and there is no real traffic so I think it will be a good thing.  Besides...I will be closer to those Cherry Slurpee's. 

Pride, Frustration and Thump-ity

I have never pretended to have the best self esteem.  However, I do have pride in a few things.  I consider myself a strong person, a smart person (ok, the kids have stolen some of my IQ points) and a fairly decent mom.  So I ask myself what the hell is wrong with me?  Why can't I give up this stupid anxiety and these fears of dying and leaving my kids without my love?  There is no explanation that I can accept.  I have heard theories from various people, doctors, family and friends but these people don't live in this body.  They have no idea how frustrating it is for me to lose the strength in my convictions, in myself.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been able to hold the anxiety at bay, for the most part.  Today, the bay flooded.  Tomorrow is my appointment at the OB where I get to drink that icky glucose crap so that the doctor can tell me my chances of getting gestational diabetes.  I am scared.  I won't lie.  I am very afraid that the numbers won't come back in my favor. Dealing with the situation, whatever the outcome is something I am confident I can handle yet I fear the diagnosis anyway.  So many things are different with this pregnancy as opposed to the previous two.  I am not losing weight, I am freaking out like a nutcase, I have no aversions to foods, I am not getting that "happy" feeling and my energy has not increased.  Either something is...or I have convinced myself that something is wrong. 

If I hear "Every pregnancy is different" one more time I am gonna get my BB gun and start shooting off people's toes!!  I understand that every pregnancy will have it's own way of progressing and affecting the mommy...but in my case, EVERYTHING seems to be different.  Urgh!!  I am so frustrated. 

Right after Christmas I ordered the home doppler monitor thingie so we can hear the baby's heartbeat at home.  It came in the mail last week.  I ripped open the package and tried to find the baby...to no avail.  I spent the afternoon freaking out (which has become normal)!  Later that night, after spending the evening as a zombie, Jason urged me to try again.  I did.....guess what.  I heard it.  That sweetest sound of sounds.  Thump-ity thump-ity thump-ity....  Baby's rate was a perfect 150.  The tears rolled out of my eyes as I clung to the speaker thanking God.  Inside my belly is a strong little heartbeat, a beautiful heartbeat that I am responsible for.  I am blessed.  Frustrated but very very blessed. I am looking forward to a Saturday morning of tickle fights and cuddles on my bed surrounded by THREE angelic critters and love.