Seriously?

So here I sit in my room dripping like a leaky faucet.  I wish I could explain what I was feeling.  Hmm.  Sort of a cross between extreme, seeing-red-type anger and pure, honest fear.  Jason got off the phone and wrapped a cloth around my incision.  The doc said to come straight to the office. Seriously? 

Jason dressed and packed up the kids while I stood there seething.  When they were all in the truck he came back for me.  We drove the half hour in silence only interrupted by me cursing under my breath.  At this point I have pushed the fear behind and focused on my family.  Here we are, not even home for 24 hours and I am again throwing my kids into chaos.  My anger was close to rage.

We got to the docs office and were taken inside.  The nurse got me up on a table and a different midwife came in behind her.  Edie is her name, and I looked to her for hope.  I figured that Sherry was great so Edie must be good too.  WRONG.  This ex-hippie chick made me feel awful!  She looked at the incision and told me to chill out.  "There are only small openings."  Look, if you go in for surgery that digs deep into your body ANY openings will cause you stress.

"How many?" I asked.  She told me there was only three.  One on each side and one in the middle.  The side openings were huge! I told her to close them, asked about infections, complications etc. and she just rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, relax, this happens all the time."  I screamed, "Not to me!"  That is when she got really pissy.  Now, let me explain something.  I do NOT do well in a situation where someone is trying to demean my emotions.   Truthfully, at this point I was so filled with anger and fear I couldn't think straight.  I was actually speechless.

The nurse called in another nurse to take the kids out of the room.  Edie then started to pull a jar from the shelf and from that jar pulled a really awful smelling length of brown gauze.  Not explaining what she was doing, she started to stuff this crap into my incision.  It hurt like hell!!!   She seemed to be angered by my flinching.  Through my clenched jaw, I asked her what the hell she was doing.  "Fixing your problem," she said.  I was about done with her attitude.  "Where is Sherry!"  It was her day off.  Great. 

After Edie was done torturing me, the nurse dressed my incision and told me to come back the next day.  I asked her what the hell was going on and she told me that sometimes an incision will re-open but usually it is only the first two layers deep.  "Don't worry about it, just keep it clean and call us if you have any strange pain." 

Seriously, STRANGE pain?  This is strange.  I got a prescription for antibiotics and was told to be in about the same time tomorrow. 

I still couldn't think straight.  I was in pain, scared, tired and felt just lost.  Jason got us all home and I took Lilian and went to my room.  I slept and breastfed for the next 24 hours.  When we got back in to the doc's office I told the girls at the desk that I must see Sherry, no more Edie. 

The nurse called me in and we started the whole process again.  This time I got more info from her.  Apparently I was to spend the next 4-15 weeks coming in to get this nasty gauze stuff changed until the incision healed on it's own.  My jaw dropped to the floor.  "Most times you only come in daily for about 6 weeks, then it will be every 2 or 3 days."  My jaw made it halfway to China!!

I decided to wait to see Sherry.  She will make it better.  She will explain what is going on.  Edie walked into the room, "Sherry had left on a weeks vacation."  So I was stuck with the psycho Edie. 

Edie did her "stuffing" thing.  Again, it hurt like hell and she acted as if I was a big baby.  We went home again with instructions to return the next day. 

Our third visit didn't end well.  Edie and the nurse did the gauze switch and then announced, "your blood pressure is too high.  I think you have post-eclampsia so I want you back in the hospital."  Holy Shit People.  I just about lost my mind. 

So I get another night in the hospital. 

HOME

There is no denying that bringing Lilian into this world pretty much sapped every drop of sanity out of my already slightly nutty head.  I learned a lot of things....the most important being that I am more of a control freak than I thought I was.  It is one thing hating being in the hospital, it is quite another to put your health in jeopardy because you are a stubborn old wench. 

Sherry showed up the next morning as promised to check me out.  I was improving but my blood pressure was still way out of whack.  She wanted me to stay until it had stabilized, but I was determined to go home.  I pushed and pressed and promised to be a good girl.  There was no way I was going to spend another night in the hospital.  Eventually, Sherry agreed that I could go home as long as I monitored my blood pressure and called my numbers into the office.  I was almost giddy.  I was taking my little angel home and we would be a whole family again. 

Thinking back on it now, I really was desperate to have my family together.  I felt so separated.  I felt like an absentee mom.  I know that I was busy bringing another perfect little life into the world, but to me being a mom means having the strength to multi-task and take care of everyone and everything all at once.  I told you I was nuts, but it was a real wake up call to find myself unable to "be all I could (wanted) to be."

Filled with relief, I said my goodbyes to the staff and to the hospital.  I was wheeled to the truck surrounded by my family.  It was wonderful knowing that in just 30 minutes I would be home with my family together.  Jason drove us all home.  I carried little Lilian into the bedroom and curled up with her on my bed.  Kenny and Felicia were full of excitement and questions.  It was a picture perfect afternoon. 

Settling in at home went as expected. Lilian seemed more relaxed and I definitely was more relaxed.  My blood pressure numbers proved it.  We read books to the kids, put the to bed and headed for our room.  I fed Lilian while Jason and I chatted about the upcoming install of the central heat and a/c. 

Lilian woke a few times for feedings and we all slept soundly.  The morning came too fast and I woke feeling a little ache here and there but felt fine otherwise.  I sat up in bed and fed Lilian while Jason poured cereal for Kenny and Felicia then brought me some coffee. 

The time came to potty.  I lay my sleeping little cherub in her bed and stood up.  I was instantly dizzy.  Jason ran to my side to help me steady myself. I figured it was nothing to get scared about...after all, I slept well for the first time in days and just had major surgery.  Then I noticed that something was tapping my foot.  I looked down and from under my nightshirt I could see blood dripping onto my leg and foot.  I mean dripping.  Serious dripping like a whole in the roof kind of dripping.  Large splatters of blood had colored my foot red and were starting to seep into the carpet. 

Jason fell to his knees and lifted up my shirt.  There was a gaping hole in my lower stomach.  My incision had re-opened. I turned and looked at the bed.  Several large pools of dried blood marked my side of the mattress.  Apparently, I had been leaking for a while.  Great. Jason ran to grab the phone!

In Chase of Three

I know that I have been getting behind again on this blog and the story.  I am sorry.  Chasing these kids around this summer has been exhausting.  I promise to get back in the saddle soon.  Perhaps even this evening.  :)