Stunning

Ahh, I am sure that any readers believe me to be a lazy blogger.  Well, ok, I have gotten a little lazy but that does not explain my absence over the last two months.  Sometime in mid September I got myself knocked-up.  Pregnant.  With child.  In the family way. 

Are you screeching with excitement yet?  Well, don't start celebrating the opportunity to follow along live as I go through another nine months of hormones, attitude and sweet stories.  At least not yet.  So far this pregnancy has been a bit tough.  A lot tough. 

Around the time this bun was put in the oven, I started to have anxiety attacks....soon to morph into full on panic attacks which brought the EMT's to my house many times, not to mention prompting me to visit many moronic doctors who deserve to have their stethascopes shoved where the sun doesn't shine.  My family spent the majority of October in a state of chaos and frustration.  I honestly thought I was going to die.  Regardless if the "pains" or "concerns" were in my head or true in feeling...not one of those so-called educated bags of self-rightous gas ever thought to perform a full blood test or even a simple urine test to check out every possiblity even after I asked, begged and insisted. 

It was my sister who told me to take a pregnancy test just as a precaution to rule it out before my next appointment which was sure to result in yet another medication.  I did.  That damn stick turned colors before all the urine was soaked in!  Does that mean I am SERIOUSLY pregnant?  I took two more tests.  Yep.  Pregnant.  Knocked-up.  With child.

Needless to say, the next doctor's appointment was a bit different than I had originally planned.  I wanted to walk in and strip down and scream, "Fix this Crap!"  I am not a "panicker" nor am I a victim.  I felt like the biggest freak on the planet.  How can I not have control over this stuff?  Why was I freaking at every little twitch as if it was a stroke or heart attack? Is "pregnant" the real cause? .  So, I walk into the doctor and told him I was pregnant.  He had me pee in the cup and confirmed it.  Medication was changed....the doc, the nurse and my husband were all quite excited.  As for me, I was still scared and worried that I was losing my mind.

Of course I am happy to have another sweet little angel to raise.  Of course I love to nibble baby-feet and listen to that saintly heart thump along. There is nothing more beautiful and humbling than to be honored as the one to bring that spirit and soul into the world. But, I am scared. 

Scared-I don't have what it takes to be a good mom to THREE!  Scared-that my body isn't good enough to do this again.  Scared-that the anxiety I experienced before I knew about the life I was growing was a precursor or warning of horrible things....and those things would be my fault. 

I am pregnant.  Questions answered, anxiety should stop, right?  No, it didn't stop because (I think) these episodes have a lot to do with hormones and my emotions.  Oh, must not forget the fact that they GOT WORSE after Doctor "Hole-in-the-head" told me to take Benadryl to calm my anxiety!!!   DUMB ASS ME tried it and it seems that the mix of new medications, hormones, and my bad reaction to Benadryl not only pushed my panic attacks up a level....I developed a full body rash that is still killing me. 

Off I go, back to my regular doctor.  Screw these idiots who treat me like some "poor emotional pregnant girlie girl."  I am not some fainting flower.  I am not imagining this rash, nor am I trying to goad attention.  My regular doctor took one look at me and said, " Let's find an answer."  He ordered blood tests and gave me steroids.  STEROIDS!!  The baby!!  It took a week of talking to his nurse, among others, but I am now relieved to find that there is minimal threat of the steroids hurting the baby....my stress and high blood pressure from the stress would do more damage.  Ok, I get it.  Choose the lessor of two evils.  I am doing better. 

Tomorrow I will be off to a new OBGYN.  She will get my "new doctor" lecture....and I hope beyond hope that we will get to the bottom of this and baby and mommy will spend the next 7 months chasing rainbows and butterflies.  By the way, I am 10 weeks along today and I really really do want everyone to CELEBRATE!